Author: webservant

In my early experience in AA I heard the expression, “My favorite drink was MORE.” I knew in that moment my problem was not alcohol, it was life. Whatever made me feel good, I wanted more of it. Before my first taste of alcohol it was food. But alcohol was a bit different. Oh, don’t get me wrong. A good pie or candy bar would soothe me alright but once I tasted hard liquor, that warm glow and feeling of comfort was unique. My father walked out on my mother, sister, and me when I was 3 years old. That started a longing in my gut that would last a life time. I wasted many hours wishing to be with him, but as I have found out, God has a plan and I don’t necessarily know all the details. By the time I was 9 years old I had become such a discipline problem for my single mother to deal with, the county child services department forced her to send me to live with my father in the country. I guess they thought I would cause less trouble for the community if I was out in the less populated rural farmland. The move was both good and bad. It did curb my juvenile delinquency but it exposed me to the adult world of alcohol. My dad was a drinker, and I still remember the night he and my step mother were having a party. I lived in the basement and as the night progressed I sneaked upstairs and watched all the fun they were having through a crack in the door. With no one watching the kitchen with all the supplies, I slipped in and grabbed a mostly empty bottle of Wild Turkey Kentucky Bourbon off the counter and headed back to my room in the basement. I was 10 years old. I stared at the bottle for the longest time because it was so beautiful, with a picture of a turkey on the label. What happened next can only be described as an awakening of the grand paradox. I took a drink and its taste was the most awful thing that burned my mouth and throat. Yet it began a tingling in my soul that finally made that pit in my stomach go away. I now knew what all the hubbub was about for alcohol. For the next 8 years I drank everything I could get my hands on as fast as I could drink it, which wasn’t all that often since I lived in a predominant Mormon culture, yet often enough to establish a pattern of alcohol abuse. At 18 years old, I enlisted in the Marine Corps. Now my fun with drinking turned into fun plus trouble. As a marine, I was expected to drink with restraint but I had no ability to do that. Many times, I awoke to find myself in trouble from what I had done the night before. Back from Viet Nam in 1968 I had no life skills and now as a civilian it didn’t take long to cross over from fun plus trouble to just plain trouble when I drank. I still drank like I had to sneak it and drink it as fast as I could. That had never changed. I never took a social drink in my life. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t even heard of social drinking until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I had my last alcoholic binge 21 November 1975. I was still trying to find that drink that actually tasted good. I saw an advertisement in a magazine for Hennessy Cognac that looked so appealing I thought I would try it. It still tasted like what I thought battery acid must taste like, however it didn’t stop me from consuming the whole bottle. I was sick the next day but my neighbor stopped by and invited me to come back to church. I had one of those “Come to Jesus” moments and I went. For the next 4 years I was a devout member of a church but I was hurting inside like never before. I had gained 100 lbs. and was failing in all aspects of my life. Suicide was a fairly dominate thought. A friend 12 stepped me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Food was kicking my ass and I didn’t know why. I had lost weight before but for some reason no diet could relieve the sense of doom I felt in my chest. My first AA meeting was a breath of fresh air. Well actually it wasn’t fresh air at all. I couldn’t see across the room because of the cigarette smoke. But the feeling of belonging was instantaneous and I began to learn. The concept of more finally hit home when I realized that feeling good using more and more was not helping, no matter what more was. It took a while for me to actually admit to being an alcoholic because I only came in to stop binging on recreational food. When I got to the part in the big book that refers to alcohol as not being the problem I was surprised that I related so strongly. I had to get down to the causes and conditions of my malady. After 6 years of being sober (2 years in program) I finally did my 4th and 5th steps. I had to actually be tricked into doing them by my sponsor. We met one afternoon to do some chatting about my day and he said out of the blue, “It’s time you did your 4th and 5th step.” He took a lined piece of paper out of a spiral notebook and a pen and said, “Now write your inventory down and hurry up because I have things to do.” He said it in such a matter of fact way that my defense mechanism was unavailable. I wrote what I thought was a lengthy moral inventory in all of 10 minutes. I then read it to him and we tore up the paper together. What a relief. I had finally crossed over to the other side of the 4th and 5th step. The world didn’t collapse around me and I felt a burden lift from my chest. To this day that hole in my soul I suffered with all those years has never returned. I still feel the pains of getting it wrong. It hurts when life gives me problems. It hurts when I do stupid things. But I now know that I don’t have to run from these problems with alcohol or recreational food. I can’t make the feelings go away but I do know that God can and will if I seek him by placing my ass in a chair in an AA meeting. Every time I do, I feel God’s influence in my life. God works on me through other people. I have come to rely on people physically close enough to me so that I can interact with them. I believe God has placed them close to me to be able to learn something. It relieves me of the need to judge others, and It focuses my attention on things I don’t want to go to the grave feeling like a victim. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me how to stand up for myself. I already knew how to run from uncomfortable events and people. The 9th step promises have taught me to rely on my instincts. “…you will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you.” I have learned to walk away from situations instead of engaging in actions that result in resentments. The bonus is that I have learned to stand my ground in situations where I need to act strongly. I owe that to myself. I had to be taught how to not run. Interesting lessons for a former combat US Marine. Now the MORE I seek is to more fully understand God’s will for me today. It’s a challenge most of the time but if I begin my daily journey with an AA meeting my chances of getting it right today just increased. May your heart be comforted. Semper Fi -H. Le

I am blessed to have gotten to know Sean when I started taking meetings out to the Utah State Prison in December 2016. Sean was released from Prison on Halloween, he had planned to go to a sober living facility in Salt Lake, but for whatever reasons he went up to Ogden, his old stomping grounds. I had so much hope that Sean had a change of heart and mind during his last stint behind bars (as he wrote in one of his articles for the Lifeline).

The last time I saw Sean was Saturday, November 11th. I picked him up from the Front Runner Station and took him to the 12:30 p.m. meeting at the Alano Club. When he got in to my car, I could tell he was high. This made me so sad. I was going to ask Sean if he wanted to come to my house to help winterize my trailer and watch the Utes game with my family after the meeting, but due to his state, I didn’t feel comfortable making the offer. During the meeting we wrote on a piece of paper “Call anyone of us first before picking up and using” with my name and number and passed it around and had 4 other members that each had 10+ years of sobriety, put their contact info on it. We stayed after the meeting and introduced him to more people. I wanted to show him how the fellowship really does work, if you want it.

After we were done at the club, I took him to a half-way house to get an application of some sort and then dropped him off at the Trax Station. Little did I know that this parting hug and good bye would be our last. The next morning Sean didn’t show to meet Craig and myself for the 10 a.m. Sunday Breakfast Meeting at the Alano Club and it was during this meeting I received a call from Ogden Medical, they had found Sean passed away in one of their waiting rooms. They had gotten my number off a piece of paper they found in his pocket.

I have had a lot of mixed emotions due to Sean’s death. I find comfort that he is no longer suffering and will not have to fight this disease on a daily basis. I also find comfort that he is out of prison and free in a place that will not judge him for being an ex-con, etc. But with all of that comfort, I do catch myself having guilt. Did I do enough? If only I had invited him to my house to watch the game? What if I had confronted him about relapsing?

When it is all said and done I have to remember AA’s Responsibility Statement: I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible. Rest easy my friend!

-Kristen P.

One morning, upon awakening

On a city bus bench…………. Angry, disoriented, disgusted and drenched

Too distraught to travel, another single inch

I didn’t know where I was going

Wasn’t quite sure where I had been

You see, I’d lost my ticket along the way

As hassles and plots thickened

Attempting to shift the blame

I justified every little thing

Implicating both foes and friends

As the reason the saga began


Then, reality struck, like lightening In the midst of stormy weather

A voice from the wind whispered “look within

For only you can chose to be better”.

So, I made a vow, with my head unbowed

To first pull my self together….

Empowered by choice, indecision was deposed

I took control of body, mind and soul….


Sam S. Wasatch Facility – Utah State Prison 



I like to travel, and often go by myself. I can stay as long as I want, and do what I want. I realized fairly early that I shouldn’t stay alone in my own head too long, though. Luckily, I don’t have to. Years ago, I learned I could go to Central Office before I left town. They would copy the page from the Western States Directory for the area I was going to. I took off with addresses and even some phone numbers for places I might have never been. One great memory is when I’d been in Yellowstone for about four days. I had gone to a meeting in West Yellowstone one evening. On the way home I stopped along the Henry’s Fork by Island Park. It’s a beautiful river, and great fishing. The bonus was, I knew there was a meeting at the Church in the Pines that evening. After fishing, I went over to the church and cooked dinner on my tailgate. The meeting is outside during the Summer, and they have a fire pit. It’s a powerful experience to sit around a fire with friends you’ve just met, and share. The bond we can have with each other is something I hope I never take for granted. Now, with the internet, the information is at our fingertips. We can find a meeting almost anywhere, and don’t have to be alone longer than we want to be. It’s a great way to get some local tips, also.

Mel H.

Lived Experience: An Interview Talk to me about your first high, or your first alcoholic high. What were you trying to cover up? I didn’t get my first taste of inebriation until age 18. I was at a friend’s house. He mixed me a glass of Seagram’s 7 whisky and Dr. Pepper. I vividly recall the pungent odor burning my nostrils and the warm burn in my throat as it lit my chest and stomach afire. I fell instantly in love. I had other mistresses throughout the years – marijuana and various hallucinogens, opioids, and even brief romantic encounters with cocaine and meth – but my first and only true love was alcohol. That first drink was the very first time I ever recall feeling really alive. For the first time, I felt normal in my own skin – as if I had found something to make me fit perfectly into the world. Prior to my introduction to alcohol, I had felt lonely and confused on this planet – like an alien wearing human skin and mimicking the voices of those who surround me. With alcohol coursing through my bloodstream, I felt truly free. It allowed me to shed my mask, and simply be me. I wasn’t covering anything up with alcohol. I was liberating the monster I believed I honestly was. What kinds of cultural messages did you absorb from growing up? I was born into a strict Mormon household. My father was the Bishop of our church Ward for several of my teenage years. Alcohol and drugs were not only forbidden, but inaccessible. I am the oldest sibling in a large family, and my childhood was idyllic. I spent summer days catching snakes and riding my bicycle around suburban neighborhoods overgrown with sunflowers twice my height, where imagination was the only limit to my excitement. My parents were both loving and supportive – and neither have ever tasted alcohol to this day. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents lived within a short bike-ride from our house, and some of my best friends were also my cousins. My life was picture-perfect in every way…but I had rebellion built into my bones… What stopped you? What physically stopped me from drinking the very last time were police officers serving a warrant for my arrest. I had been arrested and jailed several times in the past for alcohol-related mayhem, but during this particular jail stint something began to shift within me. I clearly recall my 39th day of this jail term in brilliant detail. The Salt Lake County Metro Jail is divided into cell blocks called “pods.” The only space within each pod with access to fresh air, sunlight, and the remnants of outside are contained in a single common area composed of tall concrete walls with a metal grate as a roof. On this particular day, I was walking circles in this concrete bunker, partaking of fresh air, and staring up through the grate into a clear, blue sky and puffy white clouds. I was the only inmate in this area at the time (which was very rare), and I distinctly recall seeing the soft movement of the clouds above, and noticing something unimaginable: I hadn’t had a single thought of drinking that entire day. To me, this was nothing short of a miracle. On an average day, even while in jail or treatment, I spent at least 90% of my mental energy obsessing over alcohol. The absence of this obsession shook me to my core, and I consider this moment in my life a spiritual experience. The obsession had been lifted, and has never returned. Talk to me about the lies you told yourself about drinking. The lies and self-deceit surrounding my drinking ran deep. In the honeymoon period of my drinking, I was convinced that alcohol made me more sociable, more desirable, more brave, more machismo. As my drinking devolved into alcoholism, booze began to slowly distort my perception of myself. I began to believe that I would always be a slave to alcohol – that I needed it to cope with the personal injustices that my birth had dealt me, that I required it to deal with the world and the people in it who would never understand me, and to survive my own mind. In short, alcohol stole my identity. I lied to myself on a daily basis in order to continue this toxic relationship with alcohol. Alcohol was the woman who shamed me, told me I was worthless, inflicted physical injury on me, made me physically and emotionally ill, and convinced me that I deserved to die a horrible death. Each morning I would crawl back into the arms of this woman that I both hated and loved, telling myself, “This time things will be different…” My relationship with alcohol nearly caused me to end my own life, and yet I still returned, again and again, manipulating myself into believing that she was my last real and comforting friend in the entire world. The “God” thing: how do you know? In the beginning, believing in a power greater than myself meant separating the concept of a Higher Power with the word “God.” “God” was a three-letter word that came with heavy baggage because of my religious upbringing. However, simply believing in a power greater than myself was a good start – because there were a lot of powers that were obviously greater than myself all around me. I still consider myself somewhat agnostic (although my spirituality has evolved over the course of my recovery), and my favorite chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is We Agnostics. My original concept of “God,” comes directly from this chapter, which states, “we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” I literally chose to define my Higher Power as “everything.” So far, that description has worked splendidly for me. Do you have any parting advice to pass on to your future self? Stay humble. Keep it simple. Never forget where you’ve been, or where you could go, but live only in the present moment. To preserve your peace, always strive for acceptance. Cherish your suffering as the primary source of your strength. -Nate V. 


When I was asked to write an article for the lifeline, it became apparent to me how fitting it would be to render a few of my thoughts about the many gifts I have received from AA, of course, a natural subject to reflect upon this time of year. I came to AA in 1988 to save a marriage. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself involved with. No idea how the program or way of life, as I like to perceive it, was going to change my existence in so many ways through a series of gifts given to me by the Supreme Power. A divorce ensuing, separation from my family and a business ready for the scrap-heap, I was finally brought to my knees. I complained to an employee about my wife continuing to follow through with the divorce unless I did something about my drinking. I couldn’t afford treatment and the health department had no room for me. He suggested AA, and I replied, “I don’t need more car insurance, I need help with my drinking!” He laughed and said, “No. AA, Alcoholics Anonymous.” I asked, “What is Alcoholics Anonymous? “He then told me it’s a place where all these old guys get together and talk about getting drunk. Well, I’m a drunk for sure, maybe this is for me. I attended my first meeting in June of 1988 and became completely sober on July 4th, the same year. That, my friends, was the first gift. The compulsion to drink continued for about five months after my last drunk. I was told if I prayed the Power would remove it. My desperation for sobriety and fear of losing everything allowed me many hours in prayer to have the obsession removed, and finally one day, it was gone. Gift number two. However, the obsession to use my old ways of thinking, that included my fear-driven character defects, lingered. It was suggested I may try to take the steps with a sponsor. I thought drinking was my problem. Wrong. I thought if I stopped drinking and using all mind-altering substances, all would be good. Wrong again. These defects of character as described in the Twelve and Twelve, only amplified themselves. The excruciating pain created from these defects, specifically resentments, forced me to override the fear of change, and to take the steps very seriously or drink again. Of course, to drink again was to die. I have come to believe the idea of being thorough from the very start is imperative for permanent sobriety. The taking of a fearless moral inventory revealed that, resentments from harm caused by others, was a major issue within me. I didn’t realize how much personal power I was giving to these resentments until I shared my 5th step with another person. The exact nature of my wrongs included “conditional” forgiveness towards others at a sub-conscience level that kept me in bondage of self. Today I have a new attitude toward resentments and forgiveness. I believe the word forgive is a combination of two words – for and give. I think about forgiving as “giving before the fact.” I was not willing to forgive others before they asked for it. Writing a letter to other people, places and things includes things such as; “Yes you hurt me and it was very painful, however I hold you harmless for that.” “I love you and care about you deeply. It’s okay now and I no longer hold you responsible. I no longer hold you in bondage or expect you to do anything about it.” “I am big enough and capable enough to handle the harm done to me.” I don’t send these letters, I only write them and deposit them into my God Box. I don’t forgive others in order to help them; I do it to help myself. That is true “unconditional” forgiveness because, when I am injured, I only have two choices – either to forgive or resent. Forgiveness implies a foundation of strength that is large enough, capable and strong enough to handle adversity from others without crumbling or seeking revenge. The principle of unconditional forgiveness not only relieved me from the bondage of self, it also relieved the fear of people, as stated in the 9th Step Promises. Walking in the light of unconditional forgiveness has given me a new freedom that I have never felt before. It freed me from endless hours of hashing over the wrongs others have done to me. I believe this is the greatest gift of all from Higher Power for mankind and me to receive, to grow to become better people. The 29 years I have been sober has been a special blessing and gift from God, that I am extremely grateful for, especially the gift of forgiveness. -Jumpin Joe, Alcoholic.

I started my addiction at the age of ten years old. Drinking was a common thing in my house hold, and from age ten my usage increased and by junior high I was drinking almost a fifth a day. By high school it was black velvet and marijuana, cocaine and pain killers, and after high school it was one big party along with jail, prison, and countless bad relationships. A repeat cycle that never produced any good. Then in the spring of 2009 I was introduced to methadone and absolute vodka bombs and I continued on that path until November 2012. I moved out here to Salt Lake City Utah where I gave up the methadone and became a liter of whiskey every two days, and that only increased with time, like before I found myself in a loveless marriage. Me loving her and her loving her affairs which led me into total relapse of meth, liquor, heroin and once again to prison. I served twelve months and was released in January 2017, but while in prison I never wanted to seek out help or deal with the fact that my marriage was over, so in June of 2017 I found myself in R&O out here in Draper thanking God I was caught. For the first time in my life I was glad I was in prison, I was off the street and ready to face my addiction head on. It’s not easy to admit that your powerless over a substance, but sometimes we all must face the truth, and this time I’m facing the truth. I’m not only an alcoholic, but an addict, but I’m dealing with my issues and my addiction one day at a time thanking God for one more chance at life and to be sober. I’d like to thank a man I’ll call Mr. P for giving this old Michigan boy a little inspiration and hope. If Mr. P can do it so can I.

Thank you, Anonymous

What if all of life weren’t such a fragile thing-

And all of time spent kept locked on loop eternally,

But all the while still perceived equally as fleeting

As the first flash of eyelashes batting softly back to sleep,

And that first dream that lasted light-years-

But woke to know no longer than a gleam-

In the eyes of someone dying,

Who must first close their eyes to see.

And all your enemies and loved ones flew like angels overhead,

To watch over you in all you do As if they all were dead.

But there’d be no sorrow, piercing grief or remorseful pounding thoughts-

If you knew that truly they were all much better off.

So you’re stuck down here alone and wand’ring endlessly around.

Cause this earth may have a lot of land,

But you still can’t find common ground.

What if all of life weren’t balanced-

If we had good without the bad.

Don’t you think life would be futile

If monotony is all we had?

If no sorrow became apathy, no anger became boring,

Then we’d all be trapped right back to the other side which they all tried to hide from in the beginning. What if all the animals and plants retook the earth.

And all the oceans rose up to swallow all that we considered “worth.”

If the mountains shook the ground and lava turned us to ash- we burned.

Our embers became forgotten,

Like our screams were never heard.

What if the sun and moon were the only gods that we lived by-

And we all worshiped this world as a gift from the sky.

Cause we all are breathing the same air,

Drinking water from different tides.

But the same sun will rise tomorrow,

The same moon will shine tonight.

We’re all spinning around aimlessly-

While all staying in the same spot.

And there’s nothing in this universe I can control except my thoughts.

We all continue living, dying, creating and some destroy.

If we all lived in a perfect world- Then none would ever know joy.

If we want the world to heal

We must first stop inflicting hurt.

And you can learn to live and love

Through every truth you’ve heard.

If everybody cared, we’d be the change we want to see.

Existence is an endless question- Infinite mystery… It can only be what you make it, It can only be what you believe. -Sade LK, Alcoholic