An Intimate Reflection – Jeremy B_Lifeline Mar 2020

She is done with me, the man driven to prison. She’s probably sitting around in bewilderment. Befuddled at how our beautiful relationship became so ugly & vulgar. Well, she doesn’t have to look far. I became a monster! A manifestation of erratic addiction. It enveloped my entity , as I invested so much time with it’s influences. Motivated by its crippling grip on the psyche. It consumed me! Incapable of forming anything like “normal relationships,” “being responsible” or “societal progression.” Only anger, fear & resentment controlled me. It’s a deadly combination, believe me!

She gave many moments of undeserved love & forgiveness though. Tried to get through to me on multiple occasions with her unwavering devotion & understanding. Not to mention, two beautiful boys. But it’s all dust & debris now. Like remnants of a cremated being. Me, stoking the fire to burn a celestial body that once represented our ideal union.

I left her desolate & naked. Having to fear for herself while also having to clean up a mess I created. It probably feels like trying to sweep up a million little pieces with the absence of a broom. …A slow & painful process, with her knowing I’ll never be able to relieve her endeavors. I’m filled with suicidal thoughts, but not the ones that would end my existence. It’s the one’s that want to… …kill the addict who created all this. The addict who came to life, like Frankenstein, through drugs. The addict that roamed with his hideous disposition towards life. That’s what I seek to eradicate. What I know needs to die, so the man she fell in love with can be resurrected from the grave. That’s the man she deserves. The man I wan to be, so I’m once again enraptured in her heavenly aura. Because she’s my Guardian Angel. My North Star. The green light in the misty fog Mr. Gatsby found irrevocable hope in. My dream lover. My soulmate.

Jeremy B

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