Category: Lifeline

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

My first recollection of Step Two was while sitting in an AA meeting in the basement of a church reviewing the large print of the 12 steps on the wall in front of me.  To me this was like any other task list to accomplish, to do, get done and have it behind me.  When I read Step Two all I saw was the word “insanity”.  I thought well I’ve never been insane so why would I need to be “restored” to sanity.  So I could skip that STEP and move on.

Decades later when I review this step I realize that much of the time I am still insane.  Today I equate sanity with maturity.  I believe that the 12 steps have given us are our guide to “growing up”, or “maturing”.  Maturity is not gained with time, it is gained through hard work, self-assessment and a commitment to a continued self-review, trusted feedback and positive change.  All tools within the twelve steps.

A mature person, a sane person, acts with integrity, with thoughtfulness, is well-meaning and unselfish.  I have been incredibly blessed in my life to know people who have and continue to act in a mature manner even in the face of all that life can through at them.  Behaving in mature ways brings us and those that surround us happiness, peace and a sense of wellbeing.  All the lives we touch are improved when we respond in mature ways.

Insanity is what my sponsor calls Alcoholism, the ISM.  It’s the lack of integrating the steps into our lives.  Many of us have heard the notion that our “maturing” stopped the day we started drinking.  I tend to forget that the quitting is only the first half of the first step. There are 11 and 1/2 other steps required if I want to strive for maturity, for sanity.

I don’t do this work because it’s easy but because it’s worth it.  It’s not painless but this pain is nothing compared to the pain of being one of the real “walking dead”.  I want the promises to be true in my life all of the time.  I want to be “happy, joyous and free all the time. But I’m thrilled when I get some of these things some of the time.

I want my actions to reflect a high level of integrity which has been my life’s goal.  Since I’m human, much to my disappointment, only on rare occasions do I hit that mark, but on those rare occasions when I do hit that mark I experience an overwhelming feeling of grace.  A true sense of love and wellbeing that surpasses anything of this world.  I strive to be the person who says what I mean and does as I say.  I believe we are great people who do hard things but mostly that we can do great things.

Maturity is defined by having an appropriate response to the events at hand.  When I’m acting “immature” Step Two tells me I’m acting insane and only through continued work towards spiritual fitness can I begin to act mature more times than I act immature.  If you don’t know what an appropriate response is, it’s in the book, the BIG BOOK.

My sanity relies on using all of the tools of recovery.  All of which are discussed and explained in the first 164 pages in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Read it with someone who cares. Read it with someone you care about.

—Linda B, A Vision For You

 

At the time of his passing a month ago, I believe Ronnie to be the most tenured member of Alcoholics Anonymous in Utah. My memory is partial and probably not exact but I believe he joined Alcoholics Anonymous in about 1947, and fully committed in 1952. My father joined in 1948 in the same city of Midvale Utah. Ronnie’s wife Marjorie worked close to my shop and I was familiar with her charm and her immaculate vintage 1953 Chevrolet. Ronnie made sure the car was always perfect. She parked behind my shop in the gravel parking lot. Ronnie grew up on a farm. His story is that after he lost his driver’s license he would still drive to the Midvale liquor agency in his tractor and buy quarts of liquor – He claimed he quit drinking before they had fifths – a story I cannot confirm. He was easy-going, affable, and a great storyteller.

After a few years of my own personal tenure in AA, I became interested in the organizations history and how the organization grew.. up in Utah. Ronnie had wonderful stories and was willing to talk. AA was much different then. It didn’t rely so much on the book as it did the fellowship. 12 stepping was prominent as treatment centers were rare. Ronnie, Marjorie, my mother and father would often venture to Provo on Friday nights for Chinese dinner and an AA meeting held at the Protestant church in the center of town. Ronnie knew my dad well, and told stories from a point of view that I’d never heard. My respect for both of these men is long and deep as they genuinely loved each other. After 15 years my father started drinking again. Ronnie put no shame on the slip, Of course he called it what it was, a return to insanity and a tragic mistake. Later my father quit again and remained sober the rest of his life.

At my father’s funeral, I was introduced to some old-time AA members that joined in the 40s and early 50s. As a history buff and one who likes first-hand accounts I pursued friendship with all of these men and one woman. Nobody was more interesting or free to tell stories like Ronnie. We had the added advantage that he lived just a half a mile from my shop. When he would visit, I would figuratively dust off the chair and make him as comfortable as possible and encourage him to spool out story after story. He was a goldmine of first-hand accounts of early AA in Utah.

Somewhere in the 1990s, Ronnie started taking his neighbor, an equally old man to a few AA meetings in attempt to help the neighbor get sober. Ronnie could’ve been a patriarch, but with a genuine humility he was one among his fellows – no better – no worse – tenure did not matter. The neighbor never took the bait, but as we have witnessed before, helping others is what keeps us sober. I took Ronnie to a few meetings, and wanted to show him off, but he demurred any stardom. He listened intently and loved what he saw and the direction AA had gone.

The last few years he was a bit fuzzy and his mind could hardly focus. My affection for him only grew despite the fact that the early stories of Utah AA and his sobriety were rarely talked about. He was focused on his love for his family and grandchildren. He would tear up every time he thought of his beloved Marjorie. He was a sentimental man with a big heart and the long history that he was anxious to tell. I am glad I knew him.

Clark P

 

In the early 1990’s a Newcomer was looking at the AA Literature Catalog and saw the Big Book being sold in foreign languages.

“Wow”, he thought, “we should get those for our Central Office!”  Into Salt Lake Central Office he marched and stated to Arlene (our Central Office Saint/Manger). Let’s buy all the languages and stock them in our Central Office.

Arlene sighed and responded that “they might not sell and they would have to be carried on the Central Office inventory”.

Within two or three years the same man returned to ask the same question again.  The answer remained the same: “they might not sell and they would have to be carried on the Central Office inventory”.

Each few years this persistent/stubborn Alcoholic would return and try again.

In 2007 headed down to ask Ron, the Central Office Manager at the time, the same question. While driving, the Alcoholic thought, ”they will never buy these books and this is a waste of time.”  But then the thought came, “Why don’t I buy the books and donate them to Central Office for display?”  It wouldn’t cost them a dime and would never need to be counted on the inventory.

Off he drove to see if Ron would go along with a donation. Through some dialog, Ron agreed; the only stipulation being that Central Office required is that if the Central Office sells one of the foreign books, they must replace it.

The Alcoholic started buying the books a few at a time.  One day driving to Central Office he thought, “You selfish SOB, Why don’t you let AA join in?”

Thus began the project of buying Big Books around the world.  A “Carry the Message” can was created and AA members stepped forward to offer pennies, dollars and much, much more.  The list of names of the languages were put on the wall of a local club and members stepped forward to donate or buy a book that had some sentimental touch to their hearts.  The books were ordered and a couple of six shelf book cases were offered to display the books.  As the books came in they were added to the collection.

Now, the stubborn Alcoholic wanted more.  “Let’s build a display and put it on the wall,”  he suggested. This was not supported at that time, but luckily the new Central Office management in 2012 was receptive to the idea. Again, the Carry the Message can came out and AA’s were asked to support the display idea. Members stepped up and raised over $600 that  first month.

Now you know the history of the “Small World Big Book” display! If you have not been to Central Office please go and look.

-Charlie T.

Fearless

 It hasn’t been long since this has begun

But this feeling makes me feel strong

Started out a skeptic, but came out of my shell

Now I’m open and I feel I belong

 

I never knew this could be easy

Didn’t know these feelings I could feel

But at last I have opened my eyes

A now I know that this is real

 

I thought I’d hold back and just listen

But I will stand and share my burning desire

I feel closer than comfort will allow

And inside I’ll feel the heart of the fire

 

The return of memories, but I’m okay today

I can look inside of me at what I couldn’t before

The time has come to get through this

Now it’s time to unlock and open that door

 

Turning the key I will remember

When it’s in my face I will not resist

It’s time to face the pain inside

I realize now, these things do exist

 

I will look at it now even if I can’t let go

I will hold on tight for the gentle release

Slowly approaching the darkness contained

Knowing that the fear will finally cease

 

The strength is around me I’m safe from harm

I will search inside I will find my buried soul

I will pray today, “God it’s in your hands

Over how this turns out, I give you control”

 

-Aimee M, 90th & 32nd

 

 

 

My last drink was October 16, 2015. I had convinced myself after a year of sobriety that I was non-alcoholic. I was just what the book refers to as a “heavy drinker” because all of my partying occurred between the age of 12-21.  I believed wholeheartedly that I could drink again because I was 21. In hindsight, not a good argument against alcoholism. I drank for about 10 days before I was crying to God for help. I was alone in my one bedroom apartment, drunk, sobbing.  About 10 minutes after I said the taboo God word, someone came and knocked on my door as a 12-step call. Something was looking out.

I called the sponsor I worked with the year prior and told her, I got a newcomer chip, and stopped calling her. It was easy to not call and still say I had a sponsor because she moved out of state. I white knuckled it for 90 days. While I was still active in my service commitments, social world, relationship, and hobbies, my connection with god was absent.

At 90 days an AAer from another state posted that he needed a place to stay. The good AA I was I told him he could stay on my couch that night. I got brutally raped that night. The one thing I didn’t think could happen in sobriety, happened. I thought that I was safe from that horror because I wasn’t blacking out and putting myself in dangerous situations anymore. It happened in the living room of my own home. The next month one of my best friends overdosed on heroin and died. Circumstances threw me off the mental deep end and shattered my perception of the universe. My already existing Major Depression Disorder and Bipolar Disorder swan dove off a cliff. I acquired PTSD. I became gravely suicidal.

I was so afraid, but after being around AA for a few years I had hope that I was not alone. I began reaching out in meetings, asking if anyone could help me because I wasn’t going to drink, I was going to kill myself.

I got hooked up with a new sponsor. She didn’t keep me sober, but she kept me grounded. We got to work immediately. She picks up the phone when I am afraid of myself. She helped me pray again. She does NOT proclaim to be my mental health doctor and highly suggested outside help. She is a woman in recovery who shares her experience strength and hope with me and guides me through the work as it is laid out in the big book. Outside help has looked like going to talk therapy, quitting talk therapy, going to UNI sober, finding an EMDR specialist, starting med management and getting a service dog.

Something has helped me stay sober through everything. No matter what happens, I don’t have to pick up a drink today. If you are in pain, PLEASE REACH OUT. Someone will catch you! You need to yell when you are falling. I am learning to not let someone else’s darkness cast a shadow on my heart. I pray for light to illuminate the darkness in others.

Stay gold.

-Maggie

 

Step #3…my experience with step 3 goes something like this, there is a God (HP) and its not me – Never has been! I might have believed it once or twice but today I’m convinced it is in no way shape or form me! I’ve been sober for 31 years and believe me I have spent mucho time in what my sponsor calls “Spiritual Wilderness” where I had no feeling of my God’s presence…. a very lonely – dark kinda place!

Today I know that my God never leaves me, it’s my defects that separate me from God, you and eventually myself.

OK….This is not to everyone’s liking but has worked fabulously for me! My sponsor told me that in the 3rd step we enter into a partnership with our higher power. That God has his (or Her) responsibilities and I have mine! Also that God is ALWAYS bringing it! The rub is me! See its easy for me when things are going well to feel grateful, participate in recovery, etc. It’s when my defects – yes they have been greatly reduced over the years but they still can raise their ugly head – arise that I can have problems participating in my partnership. Fear – self pity – anger…Those self absorbing traits that still lay deep inside can take me out of a shared experience with my God, then I’m back to that very lonely – dark kinda place. I find through practice, prayer and sharing that this gets better.

I have a routine that I am getting really good at in the morning of consciously communicating with God about the days events about to unfold. I ask to be relieved “Of The Bondage of Self”, that I live this day according to what He would have me do! I ask for help with accepting what transpires today, that its all happening just the way it’s supposed to. Even if I don’t like it! That I am loved beyond my mortal thinking by that same God. A wise man in AA once said “It’s in the constant seeking” that life changes for the better.

-Gregory

 

The only thing an alcoholic may find more boring than a group business meeting is reading about a group business meeting.  With that in mind, I will try to make this as painless as possible and stick to my experience and the experiences of the groups I have belong to.

During my first years of sobriety, I could have cared less about how my group was functioning.  I just wanted to stay sober and I was glad that my sponsor and the group were there.  Then, after a couple of years I became more interested in what was going on in my group.  It was then that I realized that my group had its own shortcomings just like any alcoholic.

After switching groups around 4 years sober, I got involved with a group that was conducting regular business meetings and group inventories.  Once a quarter, they would hold a group inventory and ask the group inventory questions from the pamphlet “The AA Group … Where it All Begins”.  The pamphlet suggests holding group inventories and periodically asking questions such as “What is the basic purpose of our group?” and “Do new members stick with us or does the turnover seem excessive?”

I found these group inventories to be a little boring, yes but also comforting.  It was nice to know that there was a place for our group to explore our shortcomings together.  If I don’t continue to take a personal inventory, my defects are not going to do away.  And the same is for the group.

Of course, now I had found the “right way” to hold business meetings and how to conduct a group.  I moved to a couple of different states over the next few years and I learned that groups that had been around for 10 – 20 years were not so interested in learning about the “right way” to do Alcoholics Anonymous.  There were a few painful business meetings where I voiced my minority opinion with self righteous fervor.  Luckily, most of the other members just listed patiently.

As I learned I could not completely change a homegroup, I could positively influence by acting in a positive way and voicing my opinion when appropriate.  I also learned that I did not need to change every group I belonged to.  I also learned that if I did not really like the group, I could always change homegroups.

Today, I am part of a homegroup that also has regular business meetings.  We have business meetings once a month where we elect for coffee, greater, set-up, and take-down positions.  And then once a quarter, we meet at a members house to go over our group inventory.  We typically make it a fellowship event that last for about 2 hours.  The first hour is spent socializing and eating.  And then the second hour we have the meeting.

During the first half hour of the meeting, we go over minutes from the last group conscious meeting and any group business.  And then for about 20 minutes we will ask the questions from the AA Group pamphlet or from The Traditions Checklist from the AA Grapevine.  It is an open group format and everyone is encouraged to participate.  It is the chairperson’s responsibility to keep the meeting on topic.  We have recently transitioned to using the Traditions Checklist from the AA Grapevine and only going over one tradition at a time.

In this way, our group as a channel for members to voice their frustrations and hopes for the group.  It is also a great way for the group to reflect how we are doing on meeting the checklist.

That is the way my group does it today.  I did not invent this system.  I am just lucky enough to be a part of it. And I am also luck enough to remember most of the time that this is not the only right way to conduct a group business meeting and inventory

 

– Mark

 

This is part of that advice that we all receive as newcomers that accompanies, “Get a sponsor, work the steps.” Fortunately, I had the openness and willingness to follow that advice and for that I am very grateful.

I have a different meeting that I regularly attend for each day of the week. Some days alternate between a meeting during the day or an evening meeting, depending on work and other commitments. In a certain sense, each of these meetings acts as a kind of home group for me. My home group meets 5 days each week, but I attend at least once or twice each week.

These descriptive phrases help me understand what a home group is- there could be certainly be more:

1. I am regularly there
2. I miss only when it cannot be helped
3. I have developed close relationships with others who attend
4. I take positions of service at the meeting or in the name of the group
5. I come early when possible and stay late at times
6. I care about the meeting
7. I celebrate lengths of sobriety at this meeting (mine and others)
8. I encourage others to attend my home group

While I try to bring each of these to every meeting I attend, they are most particularly present at my home group.

I think each person should have the chance to hospitable, welcoming and of service in his or her own home group. It makes sense to me that each group is determined by its own group conscience. Every group I attend does not necessarily need my input to their conscience. I like the idea of benefitting from each group as they wish to have a meeting.  Each group should be confident in its own way of doing things.

We hear at meetings that no one person speaks for AA. I also think that no one meeting speaks for AA. Pick a home group and contribute to its carrying of the message. Work to make the carrying of the message in your home group the best it can be. I have also learned that it is foolish for me to think that each meeting I attend has to meet my expectation of a meeting. I should accept to group’s hospitality, contribute graciously and willingly and depart gratefully.

When I am asked to introduce myself at a meeting as an out of town visitor, I am always excited to say, “My name is John and my home group is the 5:15 Happy Hour in Salt Lake City, Utah.”

-John