Category: Lifeline

My story is like most of the people I see in these rooms. The only difference from us and the normal A.A. rooms is that we are currently incarcerated.

I started my road to this place 40 yrs ago. I was being abused physically by my step-father, so at 8 I tried to kill myself with alcohol. I drank 2 fifths of Irish whiskey straight in 10 minutes. They had to pump my stomach and put me in the shower and pour coffee down my throat for like 20 hrs. straight. I woke up a couple of days later and told my mother that no I hadn’t drank the night before (not knowing what had happened).

After that I was a pretty good kid but still had an addictive personality, so by 16 I was introduced to marijuana, amphetamines, and cocaine. For the next 12 yrs, I used cocaine daily mostly.

I got married and had a lovely daughter and got divorced. Got into trouble with the law and yet had a career as an automotive mechanic. My mother died of alcohol in 1996 and my grandmother died in 2003. When my mom died I went off the hook, but not so bad that I couldn’t keep my life functional. I had regained a wife, had 3 boys added to my life and obtained another automotive business, this time making it through and it became very lucrative.

Yet, something was always missing and I always had to toy with the wild side. So, just like my first marriage, I was living a double life, one where I could work and be a good dad. Yet, the other a game playing methamphetamine addict. I could get up at 5 am, get the kids ready for school, take them to the sitters or the day care and go to my shop, meet my wife at the bar she worked at for lunch, go pick the kids up form school, take them back to daycare and go back to work till midnight or 2 am, which gave me enough time to do drugs and fix cars. Being ADHD like I am, the meth or coke would let me focus, and I could work, yet I would isolate after hours at the shop.

When my grandmother died I lost all ability to control my wanting to not feel anything and I isolated totally. Hence, I needed more drugs. What better way than to make them and what better spot to cover the process up than an auto shop. (Not my brightest move!) Well needless to say it didn’t go well from there. In the next 2 yrs I was getting divorced, on my way to state prison, and running a muck. Then some friends stepped in to help me. The Feds!! They sent me to federal prison, Victorville, and a few others, and I was there for a long time. 9 yrs straight.

But I started doing A.A. there, and started really getting the message again that I had forgotten so long ago. That I am not alone and I can’t do this alone. Well, I went back and forth in and out and got terminated from the feds, and thought I would be good, all I had to do was not do crime. I could use, just not do crime. (That worked well, let me tell you!) One feeds the other.

It took a while but it brought me back to prison. But, really it’s a blessing in disguise cuz since being here I have decided to give 110% to the program of A.A. and into a program I would like to call, save James. The reason I would like to call it that is because for the first time in my 49 yrs of life I am totally doing something because it’s what I want to do. I know that my life is so much better today than it has been in the past and it’s because of A.A. and the friendships with the people that care about me. And my higher power and most of all myself. I hope to have the people that I care most about in my life back in my life one day from showing them the man I am because of A.A. So with that I will take another 24!

-James M

One of the ways I grow in recovery is by attending conferences, which I did this February when I participated in the International Women’s Conference in Phoenix, Arizona. It was very empowering to be with 3,600 women in sobriety count down and connect with each other through our experiences. The workshops and speakers were amazing, and going with a close friend wasn’t necessary as we all felt close and connected. Although it wasn’t possible to attend all the workshops offered, it was nice to connect with others at the end of the day and share our favorite messages which we called WIH or “What I Heard”. With so many women, there is a lot to do and so much wisdom to absorb. The optional banquet was paired with powerful speakers who delivered inspiring messages in the spirit of our primary purpose. The meeting continues at the dinner table. This is an experience you must not miss.

-Shelley E.

My journey to the Pacific Region Alcoholics Anonymous Service Assembly (PRAASA) commenced with irritation and foul language under my breath as the rental car dealership explained their inventory did not include the vehicle I had reserved. With misgiving, I accepted their offer to give me a free upgrade to a four wheel drive luxury vehicle, deciding I may as well make the best of what I perceived to be a bad situation.

I was on the Interstate shortly thereafter, bound for Reno, Nevada. West of Wendover, at the base of Pequop Pass, I encountered what I had been warned about prior to my departure: the worst snowstorm of the season. I planted the wheels of my rental car squarely into the treads formed by the semi in front of me and found myself traversing the terrain with relative ease, comparable to the two wheel drive vehicles sliding all over the road. It was at that moment I realized my higher power–once again–knows what is best for me better than I do. Had the rental car company produced the vehicle I had reserved, I would not be safely–albeit slowly–travelling in a four wheel drive. All I could do was smile to myself.

Upon arriving at the Casino in which PRAASA was held, I proceeded to the registration desk where I was greeted by the pleasant faces of the many friends I’ve made in general service. I immediately felt right at …home. As a relatively young man in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was delighted to see a respectable amount of other young people invested in the service structure of our fellowship because it gives me hope for the future. That evening, I attended the first of two round table discussions on both cooperation with the professional community and young people in AA where I gleaned new suggestions on how to better carry the message to our professionals and youth. Debate and disagreement are the essence of round table discussions so that competing and converging ideas yield the best pathway forward, which is ultimately in God’s hands. Once the business of AA had wrapped up, with Rule 62 foremost in my thoughts, it was time to hit the blackjack table before retiring for the evening. Reno or bust, indeed.

Saturday’s panel discussions and open mic time slots were the highlight of my first PRAASA experience because the general service structure of Alcoholics Anonymous does not evade controversy or new perspectives, but instead directly confronts them. For instance, I was until this point unaware of a growing number of alcoholics who have lobbied for a pamphlet aimed at our atheist and agnostic members so as to ensure they are not dissuaded on the program based on its frequent use of the word “God”. Perhaps the most emotionally fulfilling moment of open mic time was when a young Navajo woman tearfully expressed her joy and appreciation for the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous being played to all of us in her native tongue. I was hard-pressed to find a dry eye throughout the assembly hall.

Now, a word on the contentious issue with which I was faced. To my dismay, but not to my surprise considering the geographic area in which our region is located, I discovered a serious effort to offer “alternative versions” of the first 164 pages of our basic text because–according to some–it is not progressive or forward-thinking in its content. The argument was that if a young newcomer picked up a Big Book, he or she might take offense if said person is a woman, homosexual, employer, or any other number of minority groups. After listening to what I determined were nonsensical arguments, I felt inspired to approach the microphone so that I might share my own experience and thoughts on the subject. Unfortunately, our time was cut directly after the person next in line from me concluded her thoughts. So, I will share with you–the local reader–what I intended to say at PRAASA because my feelings have not changed in the slightest.

I don’t believe in tribalism. In other words, I don’t believe in separating us into different “types” of alcoholics. We are not straight alcoholics, gay alcoholics, white alcoholics, black alcoholics, male alcoholics, or female alcoholics; We are all alcoholics. We have suffered the same affliction, and we seek the exact same solution. As a so-called young person in AA, I can tell you with conviction the information contained in the first 164 pages of our book got me sober, as it has done for millions of others. So, I have no desire to change the Big Book or offer alternate versions because the Big Book changed me. I left PRAASA with a burning passion to carry the message of our program, as it currently stands, to as many alcoholics who are ready to listen.

Yours in Service, Shilo P,GSR of the South Enders Group

They say connection is the opposite of addiction. Serving others has given me a sense of community and comradery nothing else has. As alcoholics, even those not physically incarcerated find themselves locked deep in the dungeons of their mind. I have never felt more alone than at the peak of my alcoholism. It wasn’t just because I’d alienated all of my friends (though I had). My obsession of self shackled me long before those iron bars clinked behind me. I was bound for jails, institutions, and death. My only comfort from the pain was to drink into oblivion, or at least incoherence. In prison I found two tools that freed me from the prison of self. The 12-steps and service. This may come as a surprise to some, but there are many opportunities to serve behind the razor wire. Custodial duties for which you are not compensated, hobby craft for charities like Primary Children’s, mentoring new inmates to help them avoid a wreck, being a friendly ear for a struggling cell mate, or using the knowledge you have to educate those who struggle academically. You may worry about being taken advantage of, but no one can take what you freely give. In the program I’m in, the chances to serve others have increased. I teach classes, tutor individually, and work to make sure the section is clean. I am receiving just as much or more than I give of the key to my long-term sobriety. I feel more at ease. I feel clarity of mind. My higher power has blessed me exponentially and on a daily basis. These are habits I can carry with me to the streets. I believe it is by divine design that the easiest way to feel connected to someone is to serve them.

Mike S.

When I first came into the AA Fellowship I did not know what to expect. I just knew that I had to do something. I was 54 years old and had been drinking for 39 years. My drinking started normally, kegs in High School, weekend parties in College and drinks after work. In my generation drinking at lunch was accepted. I had an old boss of mine tell me if I was going to drink at lunch to drink scotch not vodka. He wanted customers to know I was drunk and not stupid. Drinking was the norm in my business environment. It was the glory years of telecommunications, cellular phones, the internet etc. Every accomplishment or failure we had was celebrated with drinking. I was expected to entertain either customers or out of town visitors with great dinners and booze. When I was out of town, roughly 50% of the time, more dinners and more drinking. And all on expense account. What a great deal! It never dawned on me that I was going down a slippery slope to becoming an alcoholic. I had put myself on a pedestal because I wasn’t doing drugs. I didn’t know that coke helped you drink more until I came into AA. My sponsor told me I just would have been here sooner. I had done well enough that I retired at 48. I had some great plans, get my Master Degree, teach, travel, hunt more and enjoy myself. Those were all things on my “to do” list. All hard to do from a bar stool. I just thought I was a heavy drinker that I would start my great plans tomorrow. Surprise, surprise tomorrow never came. At some point in time I knew I was out of control. I was drinking from when I got up in the morning to when I passed out at night. No matter how hard I tried to stop I couldn’t. I hated myself, every morning I swore I wasn’t going to drink that day but by 10am I was off to the races again.The real eye opener was going on a fishing trip with three lifelong friends. My buddy said he would buy the booze for us for the trip. He called me the day before we left and said I owed him $20.00 for my share of the alcohol. I thought BS that amount wouldn’t cover an entire day for me so I brought my own. I had hit bottom, I was morally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. So now what? Luckily my son had been in recovery for five years from heroin.I asked him what I could do and he said “Dad go to an AA meeting with me.”What did I have to lose I thought. Maybe the program would work for me. I asked my son at my first meeting what I was supposed to do. ‘He said sit down and shut the f#$@ up. These people all know how to drink and use. You have absolutely nothing they need or want to hear” As hard as it was I did. The first person that reached his hand out to me was Gentlemen Jim. He said “Son if you follow the principals of AA you’ll never have to drink again.” I thought yea right but what did I have to lose? I had already lost my soul to alcohol.Even though I wasn’t incarcerated I was locked up in alcohol hell. The advice given to me sounded too simple: 1.Go to meetings 90 meetings in 90 days. 2.Get a Sponsor – a. Listen to your Sponsor 3.Work the steps. 4.Change your playgrounds and playmates. 5.Talk to a non-practicing alcoholic every day. It couldn’t be that easy. And it wasn’t. I had to embrace the fellowship and the people in it. I attached myself to the people who were successful. The experts in sobriety. Step one was easy. I knew I was an alcoholic and my life was definitely unmanageable. Step two was a bit tougher, to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. But Step three was a struggle.“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.”Even though I was raised in a religious home I didn’t buy off on this organized religion stuff. So now what? My Sponsor explained to me that I could define my own understanding of a Higher Power. I told him I struggled with that. His advice was to pray about it. I did and it was a real struggle to connect. Two things changed that. A dear friend of mine in the program told me to stop praying and start talking to God. Talk to him like he is a friend not an unknown. I call that a Lonny-ism. Another friend had me read the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. One paragraph really stood out for me in the chapter on the third step. “Practicing step 3 is like the opening of a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked. All we need is a key and the decision to swing the door open. There is only one key and it is called willingness. Once unlocked by willingness, the door opens almost of itself and looking through it, we shall see a pathway beside which is an inscription. It reads: “This is the way to a faith that works” I was making a connection, I had the willingness and the desire to ask God to remove my obsession to drink and help me work the program. Unbeknownest to me because it was happening so gradually I was having a psychic change. Sometime between my 60th and 90th day of sobriety my obsession to drink was gone.Unbelievable!!! Every day God and I have a chat at least in the morning and at night. I thank him for keeping me sober and to remove my obsession to drink and to use. (I never did use but what the hell let’s cover all the bases) I also pray for all the other alcoholics and addicts in and out of AA. If I need it I can talk to God anytime I want, he’s always there to help me through anything.And I do mean anything. I have never experienced anything He and I can’t handle. Regrettably my son that brought me into AA stopped following the principals. He thought he had this disease figured out. He started drinking, smoking pot and it eventually led him back to heroin. He was killed almost four years ago because of this hideous disease. I didn’t drink over his death (it did cross my mind for a second) because I had a solid AA foundation and more people that I can count that put their hand out to me to offer condolences, hugs and cry with me. The AA fellowship was my rock in the worst moment in my life. God bless those people that helped me through his death. I learned there is nothing you will ever go through in life that someone in AA hasn’t experienced and survived. One thing I know is that as an alcoholic or an addict we have three options: 1.Get and stay clean. 2.Be incarcerated. 3.Die. The only way I can repay the people that helped me is to help someone else. Oh that’s right, that’s step 12. Thank you for letting me share.

-Rob S

As I write this I am 41. Yes I’m in prison, but that does not matter. My friend is on the 90 meetings in 90 days kick and that’s good for him. I’m on the meetings everyday and sometimes 2. That way when I get released it is part of my thinking. People say that in prison it’s easy to go to meetings cause there is nothing else to do! Well, that’s true, except, I’m in this program and also High School, and some other programs so I’m pretty busy. So I go cause I need to. I first came into A.A. 30 years ago, so, by the time I was 11 I was already an alcoholic and on my way to being a drug addict. I see the board soon and want to make sure that A.A. is a major part of my life upon release! Let me explain my reasoning. I can go to a meeting a day or whatever I need to remain sober, which amounts to about 7 hrs a week, or I can sit in Prison for 24 hrs a day for however long until my release, and I do know that the stays usually get longer and longer. And I am sick and tired of holidays and birthdays locked up. I am sick and tired of expensive phone calls. But mostly, I am sick and tired of being controlled by chemicals. Thank you God for keeping me sober today. I have been stuck on step 4 for, oh, 30 years and I am happy to finally say that I have completed it as of today, 1/7/2018. And it was by me letting God guide me instead of the other way around that this was possible. And as a result I have forgiven myself, thus opening the door for me to love myself! Now I can truly love everyone else in my life, and society.

-Aaron T.

Hello! My name is Riley and I’m an addict. 🙂 I’ve said this countless times in my life. I have attended more meetings than I will ever know. I’ve been a meeting secretary with my treasurer girlfriend, had a dozen sponsors, and I’ve even been on a service committee. Relapse, after relapse, after relapse as I tried still to find an “easier softer way”. I must have tried to figure my way around doing the steps a million ways at least! The only direction this led me was to prison, where I’ve lived for a third of my life. An old Celly once told me “The lazy man always works twice” which has been my experience. I have been humbled (thank God), taken the steps and have been sober ever since. I smile now, thinking of words that still ring over and over in my head… “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path”

. Riley D. 1/7/18

Tick tock, tick tock like a clock but stuck in the same spot, while LIFE is the hand that continues to pass you by.

Stuck where minutes turn to hours, hours to days, days to years and I’m still HERE…where drug use and criminal pride is accepted, and you fit in by glorifying your crime, what kind of society is this?

Tick tock, tick tock like a clock stuck in the same spot. The men in BLUE seem to think we’re all alike, cut by the same cloth because of the matching word inmate we all have on our backs. Ha I agree…NOT. Identified by a number, not a name; we are not the same, this is the life I once chose but it’s not who I choose to remain.

I have a name. I am strong, beautiful, and independent. My heart beats just like any other human, can you hear it? Feel it? See it pounding through my chest? Am I worthy? Am I one that is a queen in my own kingdom? Do not judge me by my crimes or my past. I deserve to be loved, I am loved, I am a woman of worth, strong and powerful…hear me ROAR!

Tick tock… No longer will I allow self-hatred and doubt to own me, control me, or lock me away. The word that reads inmate on my back isn’t who I am. I am free, free to be whoever I choose to be. To live, laugh, love, cry. To make memories. To have my dreams come true.

Tick tock. I am to be whoever I want to be, whoever I dream to be. LIFE will no longer be the hand to pass me by; Stand up, get up, FIGHT.

Who am I? I am a Mother, a friend and a grand-daughter. But no really who am I? I am a survivor, a queen, a warrior. My past doesn’t define me; it’s time to scream, to shout, to let it all out. I have a VOICE and I will be HEARD.

Tick tock Stand Tall, Refuse to Fall I am ME!

-Elicia C.