Author: webservant

They say connection is the opposite of addiction. Serving others has given me a sense of community and comradery nothing else has. As alcoholics, even those not physically incarcerated find themselves locked deep in the dungeons of their mind. I have never felt more alone than at the peak of my alcoholism. It wasn’t just because I’d alienated all of my friends (though I had). My obsession of self shackled me long before those iron bars clinked behind me. I was bound for jails, institutions, and death. My only comfort from the pain was to drink into oblivion, or at least incoherence. In prison I found two tools that freed me from the prison of self. The 12-steps and service. This may come as a surprise to some, but there are many opportunities to serve behind the razor wire. Custodial duties for which you are not compensated, hobby craft for charities like Primary Children’s, mentoring new inmates to help them avoid a wreck, being a friendly ear for a struggling cell mate, or using the knowledge you have to educate those who struggle academically. You may worry about being taken advantage of, but no one can take what you freely give. In the program I’m in, the chances to serve others have increased. I teach classes, tutor individually, and work to make sure the section is clean. I am receiving just as much or more than I give of the key to my long-term sobriety. I feel more at ease. I feel clarity of mind. My higher power has blessed me exponentially and on a daily basis. These are habits I can carry with me to the streets. I believe it is by divine design that the easiest way to feel connected to someone is to serve them.

Mike S.

When I first came into the AA Fellowship I did not know what to expect. I just knew that I had to do something. I was 54 years old and had been drinking for 39 years. My drinking started normally, kegs in High School, weekend parties in College and drinks after work. In my generation drinking at lunch was accepted. I had an old boss of mine tell me if I was going to drink at lunch to drink scotch not vodka. He wanted customers to know I was drunk and not stupid. Drinking was the norm in my business environment. It was the glory years of telecommunications, cellular phones, the internet etc. Every accomplishment or failure we had was celebrated with drinking. I was expected to entertain either customers or out of town visitors with great dinners and booze. When I was out of town, roughly 50% of the time, more dinners and more drinking. And all on expense account. What a great deal! It never dawned on me that I was going down a slippery slope to becoming an alcoholic. I had put myself on a pedestal because I wasn’t doing drugs. I didn’t know that coke helped you drink more until I came into AA. My sponsor told me I just would have been here sooner. I had done well enough that I retired at 48. I had some great plans, get my Master Degree, teach, travel, hunt more and enjoy myself. Those were all things on my “to do” list. All hard to do from a bar stool. I just thought I was a heavy drinker that I would start my great plans tomorrow. Surprise, surprise tomorrow never came. At some point in time I knew I was out of control. I was drinking from when I got up in the morning to when I passed out at night. No matter how hard I tried to stop I couldn’t. I hated myself, every morning I swore I wasn’t going to drink that day but by 10am I was off to the races again.The real eye opener was going on a fishing trip with three lifelong friends. My buddy said he would buy the booze for us for the trip. He called me the day before we left and said I owed him $20.00 for my share of the alcohol. I thought BS that amount wouldn’t cover an entire day for me so I brought my own. I had hit bottom, I was morally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. So now what? Luckily my son had been in recovery for five years from heroin.I asked him what I could do and he said “Dad go to an AA meeting with me.”What did I have to lose I thought. Maybe the program would work for me. I asked my son at my first meeting what I was supposed to do. ‘He said sit down and shut the f#$@ up. These people all know how to drink and use. You have absolutely nothing they need or want to hear” As hard as it was I did. The first person that reached his hand out to me was Gentlemen Jim. He said “Son if you follow the principals of AA you’ll never have to drink again.” I thought yea right but what did I have to lose? I had already lost my soul to alcohol.Even though I wasn’t incarcerated I was locked up in alcohol hell. The advice given to me sounded too simple: 1.Go to meetings 90 meetings in 90 days. 2.Get a Sponsor – a. Listen to your Sponsor 3.Work the steps. 4.Change your playgrounds and playmates. 5.Talk to a non-practicing alcoholic every day. It couldn’t be that easy. And it wasn’t. I had to embrace the fellowship and the people in it. I attached myself to the people who were successful. The experts in sobriety. Step one was easy. I knew I was an alcoholic and my life was definitely unmanageable. Step two was a bit tougher, to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. But Step three was a struggle.“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.”Even though I was raised in a religious home I didn’t buy off on this organized religion stuff. So now what? My Sponsor explained to me that I could define my own understanding of a Higher Power. I told him I struggled with that. His advice was to pray about it. I did and it was a real struggle to connect. Two things changed that. A dear friend of mine in the program told me to stop praying and start talking to God. Talk to him like he is a friend not an unknown. I call that a Lonny-ism. Another friend had me read the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. One paragraph really stood out for me in the chapter on the third step. “Practicing step 3 is like the opening of a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked. All we need is a key and the decision to swing the door open. There is only one key and it is called willingness. Once unlocked by willingness, the door opens almost of itself and looking through it, we shall see a pathway beside which is an inscription. It reads: “This is the way to a faith that works” I was making a connection, I had the willingness and the desire to ask God to remove my obsession to drink and help me work the program. Unbeknownest to me because it was happening so gradually I was having a psychic change. Sometime between my 60th and 90th day of sobriety my obsession to drink was gone.Unbelievable!!! Every day God and I have a chat at least in the morning and at night. I thank him for keeping me sober and to remove my obsession to drink and to use. (I never did use but what the hell let’s cover all the bases) I also pray for all the other alcoholics and addicts in and out of AA. If I need it I can talk to God anytime I want, he’s always there to help me through anything.And I do mean anything. I have never experienced anything He and I can’t handle. Regrettably my son that brought me into AA stopped following the principals. He thought he had this disease figured out. He started drinking, smoking pot and it eventually led him back to heroin. He was killed almost four years ago because of this hideous disease. I didn’t drink over his death (it did cross my mind for a second) because I had a solid AA foundation and more people that I can count that put their hand out to me to offer condolences, hugs and cry with me. The AA fellowship was my rock in the worst moment in my life. God bless those people that helped me through his death. I learned there is nothing you will ever go through in life that someone in AA hasn’t experienced and survived. One thing I know is that as an alcoholic or an addict we have three options: 1.Get and stay clean. 2.Be incarcerated. 3.Die. The only way I can repay the people that helped me is to help someone else. Oh that’s right, that’s step 12. Thank you for letting me share.

-Rob S

As I write this I am 41. Yes I’m in prison, but that does not matter. My friend is on the 90 meetings in 90 days kick and that’s good for him. I’m on the meetings everyday and sometimes 2. That way when I get released it is part of my thinking. People say that in prison it’s easy to go to meetings cause there is nothing else to do! Well, that’s true, except, I’m in this program and also High School, and some other programs so I’m pretty busy. So I go cause I need to. I first came into A.A. 30 years ago, so, by the time I was 11 I was already an alcoholic and on my way to being a drug addict. I see the board soon and want to make sure that A.A. is a major part of my life upon release! Let me explain my reasoning. I can go to a meeting a day or whatever I need to remain sober, which amounts to about 7 hrs a week, or I can sit in Prison for 24 hrs a day for however long until my release, and I do know that the stays usually get longer and longer. And I am sick and tired of holidays and birthdays locked up. I am sick and tired of expensive phone calls. But mostly, I am sick and tired of being controlled by chemicals. Thank you God for keeping me sober today. I have been stuck on step 4 for, oh, 30 years and I am happy to finally say that I have completed it as of today, 1/7/2018. And it was by me letting God guide me instead of the other way around that this was possible. And as a result I have forgiven myself, thus opening the door for me to love myself! Now I can truly love everyone else in my life, and society.

-Aaron T.

Hello! My name is Riley and I’m an addict. 🙂 I’ve said this countless times in my life. I have attended more meetings than I will ever know. I’ve been a meeting secretary with my treasurer girlfriend, had a dozen sponsors, and I’ve even been on a service committee. Relapse, after relapse, after relapse as I tried still to find an “easier softer way”. I must have tried to figure my way around doing the steps a million ways at least! The only direction this led me was to prison, where I’ve lived for a third of my life. An old Celly once told me “The lazy man always works twice” which has been my experience. I have been humbled (thank God), taken the steps and have been sober ever since. I smile now, thinking of words that still ring over and over in my head… “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path”

. Riley D. 1/7/18

Tick tock, tick tock like a clock but stuck in the same spot, while LIFE is the hand that continues to pass you by.

Stuck where minutes turn to hours, hours to days, days to years and I’m still HERE…where drug use and criminal pride is accepted, and you fit in by glorifying your crime, what kind of society is this?

Tick tock, tick tock like a clock stuck in the same spot. The men in BLUE seem to think we’re all alike, cut by the same cloth because of the matching word inmate we all have on our backs. Ha I agree…NOT. Identified by a number, not a name; we are not the same, this is the life I once chose but it’s not who I choose to remain.

I have a name. I am strong, beautiful, and independent. My heart beats just like any other human, can you hear it? Feel it? See it pounding through my chest? Am I worthy? Am I one that is a queen in my own kingdom? Do not judge me by my crimes or my past. I deserve to be loved, I am loved, I am a woman of worth, strong and powerful…hear me ROAR!

Tick tock… No longer will I allow self-hatred and doubt to own me, control me, or lock me away. The word that reads inmate on my back isn’t who I am. I am free, free to be whoever I choose to be. To live, laugh, love, cry. To make memories. To have my dreams come true.

Tick tock. I am to be whoever I want to be, whoever I dream to be. LIFE will no longer be the hand to pass me by; Stand up, get up, FIGHT.

Who am I? I am a Mother, a friend and a grand-daughter. But no really who am I? I am a survivor, a queen, a warrior. My past doesn’t define me; it’s time to scream, to shout, to let it all out. I have a VOICE and I will be HEARD.

Tick tock Stand Tall, Refuse to Fall I am ME!

-Elicia C.

One of my mentors in the program gave me a beautiful gift one day in the form of a question. Since then it has evolved into one of my favorite metaphors, and I would like to share it with you. He said something like, “Shurone, look at that tree. What do you think about it?” Such a simple question couldn’t possibly have a simple motive attached to it, so I looked at the slightly mangled half-dead tree, immediately covered up my judgment, and said, “it’s perfect!” to which he replied, “exactly”. This brief discussion was followed by another half hour of hiking in silence, which gave me time to think about why the tree might be perfect and about why the question had been asked. I began to think about the tree and how it started out as a tiny seed, in that exact place in the forest, and how that place had shaped the trees life. Every storm, every bit of sunlight had impacted the tree based on its placement in the forest. The tree’s embattled appearance became something new when I considered all that it had endured. Then I began to consider the trees around the one in question. They too were perfect, having been created by a power that is greater than myself, and beyond my comprehension. Products of their own specific beginnings in the forest as well, I began to understand that like the trees in the forest, we as human beings are also perfect. Comprised of the same exact elements as every other living thing on this planet. We forget this fact when we buy into the definitions and expectations surrounding us as we grow and define truth based on our experiences. I, like most of us, had traumatic experiences with adults as a child, which led me to believe that I couldn’t trust anyone. That belief made me extremely independent, and I hid myself away from society, eventually drinking morning until night, everyday justifying my behavior with yet another belief, that I was broken, that I deserved to drink every day because of how I perceived reality. Up another thousand feet or so surrounded by aspens, I remembered learning that they are all really one tree connected underground by a single root system. I believe that humans are also connected, and that we are stronger together, like a forest comprised of human lives supporting each other, and I am very grateful that I am no longer a mangled tree standing alone without a grove of people surrounding me and lifting me up!

-Shurone

My name is Marnie and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is 1/21/2014 – which is definitely nothing to brag about since I came into the rooms of AA in April 1993. On 1/20/2014 I was arrested for the 26th time and booked into jail. Knowing I was on the run from drug court, I knew I would get roughly four months termination. I also had drugs on me and knew if I used them, I would never get sober again. While waiting to complete the booking process, I decided that no matter what happened I was not going to use again. I was literally terrified, prior to making the decision, but once I did, I went into the restroom and knelt down praying to my higher power to give me the strength and grace that was needed to not use today. I felt an actual calm and peace I had not felt in about 11 years since I began drinking again. Once I hit quarantine in jail, I traded the drugs to other inmates for hygiene and some commissary food items. I showered, then ate and went to bed. The next day was my first day clean and sober. I was getting ready to be released and new charges were filed on me out of a county I have never been in. They were two five to life’s, aggravated robbery and aggravated burglary. Literally terrified, I was transported to the county to await trial. I found out that a person I had sold drugs to beat up a lady and robbed her. vehicle. I was one hundred percent guilty, same as the co-defendant. I plead the charges down and went out to prison on a five year matrix. I spent the next three years staying sober in an environment I could not run from. I decided to make the absolute most of my time of incarceration. I applied and was accepted to a treatment program that was literally the most difficult thing I have ever completed, in an environment where most are not ready or willing to be sober or work a program. I completed that program and continued on with therapy and working directly out of the Big Book of AA the twelve steps, even doing a thorough fifth step with the chaplain of the prison facility. In this environment, I truly learned to pray, meditate, and become a worker among workers and a friend among friends. I learned that whether people are being honest, using, being hateful or acting however, I can still be kind, loving and tolerant to them, and most of all respectful. When you live 24 hours with the same woman, you learn that every action you make certainly affects those around you and with nowhere to run, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I returned to the board and was released immediately after a two year rehearing due to the way I had spent my time by being productive and working on me. I did individual therapy, yoga and anything else available to benefit myself. AA meetings were not readily available. They were sporadic at best due to many circumstances beyond my control. My goal upon release was to be able to give back to the community and especially my family through living daily amends for all the wreckage the last eleven years of using had caused. Just because I had been sober for a little over three years didn’t mean I hadn’t caused wreckage. I have been out of prison for almost one year. During this time, I have cleared up all financial amends, completed all requirements of my parole and my PO is going to take time to write a letter for early termination which is a huge miracle since I was ordered to 36 months. I expect to be free entirely from the system in the next couple months. I have made amends with the family and friends that were possible. I Have the lowest paying job I have ever had, but in return have excellent benefits and no one at my work knows of my criminal history. Through daily application of the twelve steps of AA and taking the principles of the twelve traditions and applying them to all my relationships, I am leading a healthy, happy and useful life. I have an amazing sponsor, who has a sponsor who also has a sponsor. An amazing dynasty of women in recovery all around me. I also get the opportunity of sponsoring women in recovery. I finally got off the fence, made an actual decision and backed it up with action. That is really all I did, and the gifts of sobriety in my life are endless. I wake up truly grateful to have a real bed and pillow to sleep on, knowing I have a family who truly loves me and I get to show up fully in their lives.

– Marnie

I met Jim Timmons at the 3:00pm misfit toys meeting at the Alano club in 2013. I honestly don’t think I would be sober or alive for that matter without this man! He took me under his wing. He was my sober and spiritual giant! He had a very kind but stern way about him that made me stop and think. Jim and I soon became very close. Father daughter type relationship. He always knew when I was feeling not so good, and always knew exactly what to do and say to put my thinking on a more positive path. His memory lives on in my heart! When I am feeling troubled about something all I have to do is think about what he would have said to me and my entire outlook changes. I owe so much of my strength to this man’s influence and impact he had on my life!! I will forever treasure my memories I have with him. I love and miss you Jim!

-Sandra M