Category: Lifeline

I’m not so sure that we did ourselves any favors by creating coming up with a shortened version of the Twelve Traditions. The short form is what’s read at most meetings and often the only version members know. Consequently, our Third Tradition is often interpreted as “just say you don’t want to drink,” whether you drink or not. What is ignored is the need for identification. If the steps were all that was needed for recovery, we could sit at home and work them alone. Meetings would be irrelevant. But it doesn’t work that way. A necessary part of our recovery is identifying with other human beings who have been where we’ve been, done what we’ve done, and felt what we’ve felt … and have recovered. How can someone who doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, but doesn’t want to drink, identify with the alcoholic? Would I go to Gamblers Anonymous to treat my overeating? To Overeaters Anonymous to learn how to live, one day at a time, without crack cocaine? The Steps may be the same, but it’s not the same. Related: Probably. But not the same. Encouraging nonalcoholics to participate in A.A. creates problems for alcoholics and for the individual who is not addressing his or her real problem. By not guiding them to a program that more specifically addresses their problem, we may be signing their death warrant. As Bill says in “Problems Other than Alcohol,” “it has been learned that there is no possible way to make non-alcoholics into A.A. members.” Membership, no. But we can welcome them as observers at our open meetings. Bill goes on to warn that our first duty as a society is to insure our own survival; that we must avoid distraction and multipurpose activity; and that an A.A. group, as such, can’t take on all the personal problems of its members, let alone the problems of the whole world. When our primary purpose gets muddled with talk of drugs, pills, white flour, nicotine, or anything other than alcohol, what happens to the alcoholic? There are programs specifically for people with those other problems. But what about the alcoholic? Where will he go? Who can he find to identify with? A.A. groups have fallen apart because a few well-intentioned members insist that although the person isn’t an alcoholic, she should stay because for today, he or she doesn’t want to drink. I’ve seen a group censure their G.S.R. for taking a nonalcoholic aside to explain that it was a closed meeting for alcoholics only. Upholding the traditions is not an easy or popular stance to take in today’s A.A. Those who do are often characterized as rigid and out of touch with today’s reality or as uncaring and fearful bleeding deacons. I call them solid – and I hope to have the courage to be one of them.”

-Pg 16; General Service 2011 Report 

My name is Evan, I am an alcoholic. I wanted to share with you my unexpected experience at the area 69 pre-conference: Friday, April 7th. I arrived at the hotel and checked in with Devin C., the registrar cool guy, and was assigned to work with corrections in a round table fashion. Imagine being assigned to corrections, I had only been in Jail 17 times. We went over the items on the agenda with John w., the corrections chair. We concluded the evening with the responsibility declaration. Saturday, April 8th. We began the day with a moment of silence. Our secretary Kurt J. read the minutes from the February committee meeting, a financial report by Kristen D., then roll-call. This is when I realized the significance of my presence. To represent my home group and voice their opinion was an honor. I had a name tag. It was official. Never in my life has anyone asked me to represent any group. I was able to comment on all five of the agenda items that our group discussed. Information is so important. We do have a voice and it needs to be heard. That day we spoke about unity, safety in meetings, fellowship, love and tolerance, the importance of the 7th tradition, service at any level, working with newcomers and helping them feel welcome. We snuck in motions to be considered and voted on a few. The group went through all agenda items and listened to all opinions without any arguments. It was unreal. I learned how the voting process works at the group level. I was able to acquire a service sponsor who explained to me some of the terms and processes we go through. After dinner we re-convened and listened to a guest speaker. The evening ended with the responsibility declaration. Sunday, April 9th. Matt D. and Devin C. lead a GSR presentation; they reviewed duties, obligations and the importance of the GSR position. We had a sobriety countdown. There was close to a thousand years of sobriety in the room, almost an ice age. Next our guest speaker Devin C. shared his Experience, Strength and Hope. Devin seemed very passionate about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then the “Ask it Basket”, where we asked the board questions about either the program or sobriety. It was all from the heart. We ended the day before noon with the responsibility declaration. The experience was unexpected. There wasn’t a moment when I was uncomfortable, bored, or irritated. It was simple. More was revealed to me. I love service. The opportunity my home group provided was just what my program needed. Crazy how that works. Rad!!

Your Humble Trustee, Evan

By the Book (founded July 1989); an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with Alanon participation. This was the second AA meeting I attended back at the beginning of my sober journey. I remember walking into the room and seeing people laughing, slapping each other on the back, whispered conversations, and all of this going on before, during and after every meeting! I remember thinking that this was a very tight knit group, and that I might experience some difficulties with becoming a “part of” this group. I decided to put aside my doubts, and I can happily report that this is a very inclusive meeting with lots of big-hearted, long-term sobriety! So how did this meeting get started? I sat down with one of the founding members, Ernie R. and here is how it happened. In the late 1980″s, The Valley View group, which met at 8:30 pm. on Tuesday nights (and still does) at the Alano Club had a large turnout at every meeting. So much so that people had to sit on the stage. Remember that this was in the 1980’s and there were only around sixty meetings a month stretching from Bountiful down to the Point of the Mountain and from Park City out to Tooele. Also around this time the GSO in New York changed the birthday milestones by adding 60 days, and 18 months. With so many new comers taking time to celebrate milestones it often happened that alcoholics with years of sobriety were not able to do likewise. This, of course, created resentments!  As it happened there were about 15 members from the Valley View group who decided they wanted to go off on their own and start a new meeting. But they also wanted to include their Alanon wives. One member feared that would be breaking tradition. So they checked with GSO in New York and were told that it was not breaking tradition as long as the meeting was an open meeting, that no Alanon could hold a service position, and that all cash donated went to AA entities.   So now all they had to do was buy a coffee pot and find a place to meet! For the first two years they met in a room at the Redwood Multi-Purpose Center, and then the building was closed for remodeling. Next they were able to meet in a room in the Union Trades building on Redwood Road. After almost three years they had to move again. The county buildings on 2100 South and State Street had just opened and the meeting moved to the cafeteria in the south building, then to a break room behind the guard station in the north building. The meeting in the break room locale lasted for almost four years. The problem with this location was that there was heavy civilian traffic in the hallway outside. Some folks were taken aback by the language (LOL) they were hearing coming from that room! The county let us stay, but put us up in a room on the third floor and that is where By the Book group now meets.

Compiled by Laura C. and Ernie R.

I was leaving a meeting the other day and asked a friend “Will I see you tomorrow?” He replied, “God willing.” A little irritated, I said “Are you gonna be here or not? God is always willing”. Then, I had that ahha moment: what are other alcoholics favorite and not so favorite catchy AA slogans? ?

My first interview took place at 6:30 am service with a smile, this gentlemen pointed out that there are only three actual AA slogans which can be found on page 135 of the Big Book: First Things First, Live and Let Live, and Easy Does It.

His favorite slogan was “Live and Let Live” because, “I can let non– alcoholics live their lives and I can live mine. My interaction with other alcoholics is similar—just because I have to work a rigorous, honest program for my alcoholism doesn’t mean another alcoholic does. I can let them do what they need to do and not let that affect my serenity.”

I asked “How long did it take to get to the point of live and let live?”

“Probably like 15-18 years – it used to be the worst, I used to hate it. It took a long time for it to sink in, a lot of work, agony, meetings and reading literature until i found out what AA was and what AA wasnt’” he replied.

Onto his least favorite slogan, “It’s no where in any AA literature but somehow it made into the rooms. I have heard over the last 15 years or so, big in South Florida, Atlanta, and even a few times here in Park City. “Meeting Makers Make It”. He seemed disgusted: “I just think its a big dis-service to AA. My experience has been that meeting makers just make meetings. I just don’t like that little saying at all.”

I asked when you say dis- service what do you mean he replied ” When people come to AA they are searching for an answer they’re desperate; there needs to be a sense of urgency. The “meeting makers make it” phrase kinda just falls on deaf ears and that moment of clarity can pass by. Bill Wilson said ” Our chief responsibility was an appropriate definition of the program of AA to the newcomer”.

My second interview also took place at 6:30 am service with a smile. I asked a friend her favorite AA slogan and she replied ” Let Go and Let God because when I think that I am in control or when I think that I have the answers,  it has only gotten me into trouble .This saying reels me back in. I went out after 10 years of sobriety . I couldn’t let go of  stuff, I took charge, and eventually I drank . When I remember to let go and let god, it’s so much easier!  As soon as I say I’ve got this, there’s a problem . Learning to let go and let god at the right time is a process;  Progress not Perfection.

My least favorite AA slogan was KISS. She said “A long time ago a old codger said to me ‘just kiss’ and I was like yuck! Then he explained to me what it meant , “Keep It Simple Stupid”. Then of course I was resentful that he would call me stupid , but that was my ego. It was good for me to hear. I needed to learn every day that sometimes I can have an attitude—I’m not stupid, but I do stupid things. This is what it is and this is the reality: keep it simple, stay in the moment . I  like it now, but it was a hard one for me at the time.

It’s been a real honor to sit down with these two friends and share stories of sobriety together. It takes a lot of courage to do what we do…life is definitely better than it was!

Your Humble Trustee , Evan

What a gargantuan task this initially seems. Whenever I attempted introspection before recovery, I became anxious and full of self loathing, which led to heavy drinking and often suicidal thoughts. Throughout my life I generally thought of myself in negative terms. I knew that I had the capacity for love and kindness, but to mine own eyes that was always overshadowed by consistent acts of cruelty and self centeredness. Actions which I imagined would someday land me in prison. I hardly knew myself when I got sober, and to begin a fearless and moral inventory, which would later be discussed in its entirety with another person, seemed terrifying. This is one reason it took me a year to finish my first fourth step. That, and I’m lazy. It was suggested that I write at least a sentence or two every day until it was finished.  A wise suggestion, which I didn’t take.

I did my first fourth step as outlined in the book, which was read to me by a sponsor, who learned how to take his inventory from his sponsor. My first fourth step was almost honest and complete, just as I was almost sober when abstaining from alcohol but continuing to abuse pain pills. There were a couple items that I wasn’t willing to disclose at that time. I’ve since talked about them with my current sponsor, who to my satisfaction declared me “one of the sick ones who has to work this program harder than others”.

My fourth steps have been divided into four sections. First was my grudge list; those people, principles, and institutions with which I had resentments. I took perverse delight in taking other’s inventories, and have dozens of pages of people whom I was burned up against. I was taught that there were only two people who had to be on my resentment list. The first person on my resentment list was me. The second was God. The former was easy. I had more resentment towards myself than any other person on my list. The latter was more difficult. I hadn’t spent much time lately thinking why I resented God, but upon closer inspection, with guidance from my sponsor, I realized I had plenty that I blamed and resented God for. God didn’t give me this, God took that away from me, God made me bald! I’ve since learned God isn’t Santa Claus and has given me more than I need in this life to be happy. I believe if I had always gotten what I wanted, I’d be dead.

After listing my resentments towards everyone and thing, I listed what was affected. Was it my finances, romances, pride, ambition, or personal relations? And then I looked at my part in it. I can’t recall a single resentment where I didn’t play a part in it, although I would still rather look at somebody else’s part in it, which tells me I don’t do this step often enough.

I then listed my fears, and realized that fear had been the predominant emotion behind most of my actions and emotions throughout my entire life. It compelled me to lie, cheat, still, harm, and violate everyone I came in contact with, subtly or overtly. I realized my laziness, lying, manipulation and selfishness were all forms of fear. I didn’t even know what anxiety (fear of the future, real or imagined) was until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, but as I listened to people share about it, I realized that was what I had felt for as long as I can remember. I now try and practice living in the present moment (I’m not good at this yet) rather than dwelling on tomorrow, which is the root of my anxiety, and living in the past, which is the root of my resentment. AA has given me the tools to do this.

Finally on my list was my sexual relationships. I’m fortunate that my list wasn’t as long as some people I know, as women were one of my fears. Every now and then my desires would conquer my fears and I’d find myself involved (usually briefly) in a relationship; then catastrophe commenced. My jealousy, dishonesty, and selfishness lead to a relationship bottom that prompted me to complete the twelve steps. Pain humbled me to ask another man to be my sponsor at 2 yrs and I soon realized that I was entirely incapable of having a healthy relationship with the skills that I brought to AA. Today, I am slowly developing the tools to one day have a happy, loving and successful relationship with a healthy partner.

In truth, step 4 should be continued for a lifetime, as more is discovered the more I work at my recovery. I know now that my demoralizing behaviors were desperate attempts for power, security, acceptance, and love; natural desires taken to ugly extremes. My fourth steps have mostly uncovered the negative about me, but there is an abundance of good in me as well. I have an amazing capacity for love and kindness, and have always had this. It is God given, and explains why I was in so much pain earlier in life. I ignored the quiet urgings of my soul, my conscience, and God, and instead would heed the screaming desires of my disease. The remaining steps have helped me to be more of the person I’ve always wanted to be, to seek God’s will, and to see myself and others in a new light, when I work them. I am very grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous in helping me to grow into the man God wants me to be.

Patrick R

I recently I asked a newcomer if he would be willing to answer a few question about his experience thus far in sobriety. My intentions of this short interview was to get a different view on early sobriety. Also, a chance for other newcomers to identify with this man’s journey this far. Lastly, possibly helping sponsors identify with  new sponsees.  I want to thank our interviewee for being of service, for being vulnerable and for sharing his experience.

Humbly, Evan

“How long have you been sober?”

My sobriety date is 06/17/2016 . Coming up on 8 months.

“Do you have a sponsor and do you find this helpful?”

I found it to be life changing to share with another man what exactly has been going on with me and my life. I have never done that, not even close. My life couldn’t get much worse, so why not trust the system. I found that the program has totally accepted me, I am not unique , I have learned that I hurt a lot of people. I am no where near making amends, but I am making a living amends by my actions . I am showing them that I am trying to get this right. I still have thoughts about drinking socially, but am quickly reminded there is no doubt I will die from disease. I drove drunk countless times- I am an un–convicted felon. It feels like I don’t have anymore of those passes.

What do you think has been your biggest challenge in sobriety?”

My biggest challenge is time, its a slow process, I want to be fixed way quicker. I want everyone to come back to me with open arms. My sponsor shared with me that you have to live in acceptance of who you are at this moment. Live life on life’s terms. This is God’s time not mine. I had God in my life only when it was convenient for me. All of this is completely different now. I pray about it.

“What are some of the freedoms you have experienced in sobriety?”

Living life in the moment, learning to live life in the present. When I was drinking I could only think about the future and worry, worry ,worry, when was my next drink. Right now the program is teaching me how to live my life in the present. I have done bad things in the past and I can’t change the future. Which gives me peace and gratitude for everyday living. 

My wife of 35 years has noticed a huge change in my attitude, I am grateful , I have late night conversations with her sober, I am engaged, I make eye contact and I listen.

The return of loved ones back into our lives, learning about ourselves and learning how to love, are just a few gifts that sobriety has to offer- it’s a way of life.

In early sobriety, I could not understand the reasons and effect of the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous. In fact, I was much concerned with stopping drinking that I saw little to none application of these into a solution to my problem. Nonetheless, I was so desperate that decided to follow the steps as instructions as far as it would help me have my resolve the repertoire of problems and suffering I was into. In a sense I had surrendered and was open to try anything.

My conception of God while growing up was merely more of the understanding of a story rather than a belief. S/He was far away and I could relate much to this notion. It was like knowing that China exists, but I am actually in the US and China is way far to the other side of the planet. I do not relate to it at all other than seeing labels with a legend “Made in China” in clothing, food and products.

When I was to practice the third step for the first time, I had no idea of how God could take care of my problems, destiny and myself. But there was a small part of me that believed that something good had to come out of this notion. I guess, I was “willing” and that was enough to start the process.

The decision to turn my life over the care of God came in time. I rationalized and convinced myself that I had made it, but the truth was that I had not fully. My ego and my will still controlled part of the equation. Thru years of sobriety, my practice of the 3^rd step had its ups and downs. In many occasions, I just forced my way to have things turn out the way I thought was best. Most times, it didn’t happen but in some others-it actually did. In some other occasions, I came to a point of “letting go” trusting in my heart-not my mind, that things were to be ok. In a way, I had “acceptance” and the fear and worry vanished. However, I had never being truly able to trust no matter in all instances. Something was missing and I was still white knuckling to have destiny turn my way. It was an actually an obsession of the mind driven by ego and fear.

On the eve of the 12th year of sobriety, I was apart from my family of origin and my love life was somewhat broken. I came to extremely painful circumstances which resulted on what I describe an spiritual awakening of strenuous proportions.  During this episode, I came to understand the real meaning of the third step. I heard that pain is the cornerstone of growth and in this instance, I was able to experience the love I was always seeking for and could never fully find. I then understood that I was not longer in charge and that that love was coming from a source outside of me. I had turned the corner. My believe turned into a conviction.

Since that event, I’ve practice to the best of my ability doing just what I have  to do and what is right and in front of me. It does not mean that I can’t plan and have a target, but it means that I just need to take action as long as it is based on goodness and then leave the results up to a higher power. If it happens, great! It was meant to be, If it does not, then I did my part. Something better will be coming around the corner.  That has been my experience.

Evidently, this new dimension I strive to live every day takes work to maintain strong. After years of struggle and reluctance with meditation, it has become a regular practice of mine. I found it quite powerful and helpful to maintain a refreshed and lively view of the conviction that I made.

As any other human affair of mine, I miss the beat and fail at practicing such conviction at all times. When I do, I just go back to basics and try it again. Eventually, things get back on track. In the end that was the way it was supposed to be anyway…, and that, is turning it over to a higher power in itself.

Jorge F

My journey in Alcoholics Anonymous started in February 2005. And like most of us, I was fairly beaten up when I arrived at AA’s doorstep.  I was hopeless, helpless and by most other peoples account – heartless.   My world had become very “small” since I had pushed everyone who cared about me away and I was hiding from everyone else.  I had gotten to a point where life was unbearable and consequences of drinking were compounding daily.  My job and family were way too much for me to handle and I was to a point where death by ingestions (via alcohol or its various forms) seemed likely and preferable.

An intervention from my place of work was the culminating event from years of active alcoholism.   And while this event appeared at the time as the worst possible day of my life, I have subsequently come to realize this was the most blessed event in my life.  This was the outset of a spectacular (and sometimes not so spectacular) spiritual journey that seems to continue to advance as long as my willingness and open-mindedness continues to broaden.

I should mention, as to not paint an inaccurate picture of my sobriety path, that while the AA promises (pages 83-84 of the Big Book) have come true for this Alcoholic, I had to learn the hard way about half measures.   My progression from calamity to glimpses of serenity was by no means a linear path.  In fact, it was very fragmented and there were stretches where it felt as if I was moving backward.  But when you are riddled with self-centered fear, the idea of doing things the AA way seems absurd and quite unreasonable. Therefore, left to my own thinking, I did not succumb to the concepts of surrender, acceptance and turning it over very efficiently.  My early days in AA consisted of going to meetings daily, however I was not willing to get a sponsor and work the steps.    I refused to accept the premise that I had to do the AA program as outlined in the book.  It was not until the emotional pain got so bad that I knew I was either going to drink or I had to surrender to the fact that I needed to get a sponsor and work the steps.  This is where the principle of Hope in all its magnificent forms took over – but only once I let it!

Those early days of sobriety has proven that fears unchecked (or dealt with the same “old “way) are powerful enough to block oneself from receiving the gift of hope.  Until I truly conceded that I was an alcoholic and that I must do the AA program like every other “recovered” alcoholic it seemed I was hopeless.  But once I started to connect with others I began to open the door for hope to take over.  It all started with the building of a relationship with my sponsor. It then quickly expanded to friends of my sponsor and his sponsor.  Before I knew it, the walls began to fall and I was connecting with people in whole new and exciting way.  Not only was I connecting but hope was creeping in and I did not even notice it.

A careful review through my days in AA has revealed some amazing changes in my attitudes, my beliefs and most importantly my actions.  My personal pathway of “coming to believe” started with me changing my go it alone attitude.  It was apparent that my attitudes were blocking me from receiving the gifts of the program.   When I started to show my weakness (the beginning stages of honesty and humility), God began to show his strength through others who had walked the path before me.  It was the hope I saw in others that led me to make the decision, and overcome the huge fear, to ask another man to be my sponsor.  It was the hope I saw in others that allowed me to start to identify and stop judging.  It was the hope I saw in others that permitted me to go from contempt to maybe this can work for me. And finally it was the hope I saw in others that allowed me to transition from:

Hope  ->   Belief  ->  Faith

-Jerry F from Park City, UT