Category: Lifeline

One of my mentors in the program gave me a beautiful gift one day in the form of a question. Since then it has evolved into one of my favorite metaphors, and I would like to share it with you. He said something like, “Shurone, look at that tree. What do you think about it?” Such a simple question couldn’t possibly have a simple motive attached to it, so I looked at the slightly mangled half-dead tree, immediately covered up my judgment, and said, “it’s perfect!” to which he replied, “exactly”. This brief discussion was followed by another half hour of hiking in silence, which gave me time to think about why the tree might be perfect and about why the question had been asked. I began to think about the tree and how it started out as a tiny seed, in that exact place in the forest, and how that place had shaped the trees life. Every storm, every bit of sunlight had impacted the tree based on its placement in the forest. The tree’s embattled appearance became something new when I considered all that it had endured. Then I began to consider the trees around the one in question. They too were perfect, having been created by a power that is greater than myself, and beyond my comprehension. Products of their own specific beginnings in the forest as well, I began to understand that like the trees in the forest, we as human beings are also perfect. Comprised of the same exact elements as every other living thing on this planet. We forget this fact when we buy into the definitions and expectations surrounding us as we grow and define truth based on our experiences. I, like most of us, had traumatic experiences with adults as a child, which led me to believe that I couldn’t trust anyone. That belief made me extremely independent, and I hid myself away from society, eventually drinking morning until night, everyday justifying my behavior with yet another belief, that I was broken, that I deserved to drink every day because of how I perceived reality. Up another thousand feet or so surrounded by aspens, I remembered learning that they are all really one tree connected underground by a single root system. I believe that humans are also connected, and that we are stronger together, like a forest comprised of human lives supporting each other, and I am very grateful that I am no longer a mangled tree standing alone without a grove of people surrounding me and lifting me up!

-Shurone

My name is Marnie and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is 1/21/2014 – which is definitely nothing to brag about since I came into the rooms of AA in April 1993. On 1/20/2014 I was arrested for the 26th time and booked into jail. Knowing I was on the run from drug court, I knew I would get roughly four months termination. I also had drugs on me and knew if I used them, I would never get sober again. While waiting to complete the booking process, I decided that no matter what happened I was not going to use again. I was literally terrified, prior to making the decision, but once I did, I went into the restroom and knelt down praying to my higher power to give me the strength and grace that was needed to not use today. I felt an actual calm and peace I had not felt in about 11 years since I began drinking again. Once I hit quarantine in jail, I traded the drugs to other inmates for hygiene and some commissary food items. I showered, then ate and went to bed. The next day was my first day clean and sober. I was getting ready to be released and new charges were filed on me out of a county I have never been in. They were two five to life’s, aggravated robbery and aggravated burglary. Literally terrified, I was transported to the county to await trial. I found out that a person I had sold drugs to beat up a lady and robbed her. vehicle. I was one hundred percent guilty, same as the co-defendant. I plead the charges down and went out to prison on a five year matrix. I spent the next three years staying sober in an environment I could not run from. I decided to make the absolute most of my time of incarceration. I applied and was accepted to a treatment program that was literally the most difficult thing I have ever completed, in an environment where most are not ready or willing to be sober or work a program. I completed that program and continued on with therapy and working directly out of the Big Book of AA the twelve steps, even doing a thorough fifth step with the chaplain of the prison facility. In this environment, I truly learned to pray, meditate, and become a worker among workers and a friend among friends. I learned that whether people are being honest, using, being hateful or acting however, I can still be kind, loving and tolerant to them, and most of all respectful. When you live 24 hours with the same woman, you learn that every action you make certainly affects those around you and with nowhere to run, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I returned to the board and was released immediately after a two year rehearing due to the way I had spent my time by being productive and working on me. I did individual therapy, yoga and anything else available to benefit myself. AA meetings were not readily available. They were sporadic at best due to many circumstances beyond my control. My goal upon release was to be able to give back to the community and especially my family through living daily amends for all the wreckage the last eleven years of using had caused. Just because I had been sober for a little over three years didn’t mean I hadn’t caused wreckage. I have been out of prison for almost one year. During this time, I have cleared up all financial amends, completed all requirements of my parole and my PO is going to take time to write a letter for early termination which is a huge miracle since I was ordered to 36 months. I expect to be free entirely from the system in the next couple months. I have made amends with the family and friends that were possible. I Have the lowest paying job I have ever had, but in return have excellent benefits and no one at my work knows of my criminal history. Through daily application of the twelve steps of AA and taking the principles of the twelve traditions and applying them to all my relationships, I am leading a healthy, happy and useful life. I have an amazing sponsor, who has a sponsor who also has a sponsor. An amazing dynasty of women in recovery all around me. I also get the opportunity of sponsoring women in recovery. I finally got off the fence, made an actual decision and backed it up with action. That is really all I did, and the gifts of sobriety in my life are endless. I wake up truly grateful to have a real bed and pillow to sleep on, knowing I have a family who truly loves me and I get to show up fully in their lives.

– Marnie

I met Jim Timmons at the 3:00pm misfit toys meeting at the Alano club in 2013. I honestly don’t think I would be sober or alive for that matter without this man! He took me under his wing. He was my sober and spiritual giant! He had a very kind but stern way about him that made me stop and think. Jim and I soon became very close. Father daughter type relationship. He always knew when I was feeling not so good, and always knew exactly what to do and say to put my thinking on a more positive path. His memory lives on in my heart! When I am feeling troubled about something all I have to do is think about what he would have said to me and my entire outlook changes. I owe so much of my strength to this man’s influence and impact he had on my life!! I will forever treasure my memories I have with him. I love and miss you Jim!

-Sandra M

I was raised in an LDS family. By the time I hit 15 I’d discarded Mormanism as a whole. That is about the time I started drinking as well. When I was arrested in 2006 I was an adamant atheist and raging alcoholic. It seems often that people find God in prison then leave Him here when they’re released. I was determined for a long time not to be one of those people. I suffered from that God hunger that plagues all addicts, so I began my spiritual journey. I studied many religions and spiritual paths, but I still struggled to accept many mainstream faiths. It was one of the A.A. volunteers that helped me find my higher power. The Big Book of A. A. that she quoted held the key, “A God of your understanding”. I don’t have to have a concrete perception of God. I just have to be “willing to believe” in that power greater than myself. Most peoples spiritual awakenings are not so dramatic. Mine was a torrent of divine inspiration that manifested in the people around me. It could be a coincidentally perfect piece of advice or the key words I needed to hear on a particularly hard day. God works through and around me every day as long as I work the steps! Service is a big part of that, but just being willing to believe is the key. -Michael S.

My name is Sandy and I am a grateful alcoholic. When I first walked through the doors of AA I could not for the life of me understand why people said they were grateful to be alcoholic. In my mind I couldn’t figure out why all of you were so damn grateful. I didn’t want to grow up and be an alcoholic, I didn’t want to grow up and go to AA meetings, I didn’t want to grow up and meet “those type people”. But today, I am truly, incredibly, and humbly GRATEFUL to be an alcoholic. If I wasn’t an alcoholic, I wouldn’t know bikers, people who have been to prison, people who have been to jail, people who are in rehab, people fresh out of rehab, homemakers, working women, working men, people who have literally lived on the streets due to their diseases. ME! On Thanksgiving, I was on my way to sister’s house with pies in the back seat of my car, excited to see family members from over the river and through the woods (26 of them to be exact) and before I knew what was happening, my car pulled into a parking space at the Alano Club. My second home some could say. I parked on North side of the building and the minute I got out of my car, I was met with hugs and love from those gathered on the picnic tables sharing stories and meals, then I made my way downstairs to the best dive joint in the world, the Alano kitchen, and was again met with hugs and love, (and let me tell you, if you donated cash and/or food it was well received. I have never seen so much food in my life.) My heart was full that peeps had a loving place to go to enjoy an excellent meal, served by excellent cooks, and enjoy family! A quick step outside to the picnic tables on the South side, up the stairs to the big room, hugs and love, then into the room on the East side where I attend some very special and incredible meetings with the type of people I mentioned above who, in my recovery, have become my AA family. All of sudden I felt the urge to look up on the wall and who’s faces did I see? Bill and Bob. I stopped short in my tracks and said a prayer of thanks to those two men and their wives, Lois and Anne, for the movement they created. I have always heard how grateful we are to have found a Power greater than ourselves, but I found myself thinking about the two men who gave so selflessly and two strong women who stood by their sides and how I have neglected to say a word of Thanks and Prayer for what they started. After all, if there was no AA Fellowship and the Steps, where would I be? Something to ponder for the day…hmmm, My name is Sandy, and I am a Grateful Alcoholic!! I am truly humbled that I was asked to share this story for the Lifeline. When I crawled through the doors a little over 2 years and 10 months ago, I never imagined how ALL of you would change and affect my life. If you are reading this, please know, that you have!!!

-Sandy B

In my early experience in AA I heard the expression, “My favorite drink was MORE.” I knew in that moment my problem was not alcohol, it was life. Whatever made me feel good, I wanted more of it. Before my first taste of alcohol it was food. But alcohol was a bit different. Oh, don’t get me wrong. A good pie or candy bar would soothe me alright but once I tasted hard liquor, that warm glow and feeling of comfort was unique. My father walked out on my mother, sister, and me when I was 3 years old. That started a longing in my gut that would last a life time. I wasted many hours wishing to be with him, but as I have found out, God has a plan and I don’t necessarily know all the details. By the time I was 9 years old I had become such a discipline problem for my single mother to deal with, the county child services department forced her to send me to live with my father in the country. I guess they thought I would cause less trouble for the community if I was out in the less populated rural farmland. The move was both good and bad. It did curb my juvenile delinquency but it exposed me to the adult world of alcohol. My dad was a drinker, and I still remember the night he and my step mother were having a party. I lived in the basement and as the night progressed I sneaked upstairs and watched all the fun they were having through a crack in the door. With no one watching the kitchen with all the supplies, I slipped in and grabbed a mostly empty bottle of Wild Turkey Kentucky Bourbon off the counter and headed back to my room in the basement. I was 10 years old. I stared at the bottle for the longest time because it was so beautiful, with a picture of a turkey on the label. What happened next can only be described as an awakening of the grand paradox. I took a drink and its taste was the most awful thing that burned my mouth and throat. Yet it began a tingling in my soul that finally made that pit in my stomach go away. I now knew what all the hubbub was about for alcohol. For the next 8 years I drank everything I could get my hands on as fast as I could drink it, which wasn’t all that often since I lived in a predominant Mormon culture, yet often enough to establish a pattern of alcohol abuse. At 18 years old, I enlisted in the Marine Corps. Now my fun with drinking turned into fun plus trouble. As a marine, I was expected to drink with restraint but I had no ability to do that. Many times, I awoke to find myself in trouble from what I had done the night before. Back from Viet Nam in 1968 I had no life skills and now as a civilian it didn’t take long to cross over from fun plus trouble to just plain trouble when I drank. I still drank like I had to sneak it and drink it as fast as I could. That had never changed. I never took a social drink in my life. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t even heard of social drinking until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I had my last alcoholic binge 21 November 1975. I was still trying to find that drink that actually tasted good. I saw an advertisement in a magazine for Hennessy Cognac that looked so appealing I thought I would try it. It still tasted like what I thought battery acid must taste like, however it didn’t stop me from consuming the whole bottle. I was sick the next day but my neighbor stopped by and invited me to come back to church. I had one of those “Come to Jesus” moments and I went. For the next 4 years I was a devout member of a church but I was hurting inside like never before. I had gained 100 lbs. and was failing in all aspects of my life. Suicide was a fairly dominate thought. A friend 12 stepped me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Food was kicking my ass and I didn’t know why. I had lost weight before but for some reason no diet could relieve the sense of doom I felt in my chest. My first AA meeting was a breath of fresh air. Well actually it wasn’t fresh air at all. I couldn’t see across the room because of the cigarette smoke. But the feeling of belonging was instantaneous and I began to learn. The concept of more finally hit home when I realized that feeling good using more and more was not helping, no matter what more was. It took a while for me to actually admit to being an alcoholic because I only came in to stop binging on recreational food. When I got to the part in the big book that refers to alcohol as not being the problem I was surprised that I related so strongly. I had to get down to the causes and conditions of my malady. After 6 years of being sober (2 years in program) I finally did my 4th and 5th steps. I had to actually be tricked into doing them by my sponsor. We met one afternoon to do some chatting about my day and he said out of the blue, “It’s time you did your 4th and 5th step.” He took a lined piece of paper out of a spiral notebook and a pen and said, “Now write your inventory down and hurry up because I have things to do.” He said it in such a matter of fact way that my defense mechanism was unavailable. I wrote what I thought was a lengthy moral inventory in all of 10 minutes. I then read it to him and we tore up the paper together. What a relief. I had finally crossed over to the other side of the 4th and 5th step. The world didn’t collapse around me and I felt a burden lift from my chest. To this day that hole in my soul I suffered with all those years has never returned. I still feel the pains of getting it wrong. It hurts when life gives me problems. It hurts when I do stupid things. But I now know that I don’t have to run from these problems with alcohol or recreational food. I can’t make the feelings go away but I do know that God can and will if I seek him by placing my ass in a chair in an AA meeting. Every time I do, I feel God’s influence in my life. God works on me through other people. I have come to rely on people physically close enough to me so that I can interact with them. I believe God has placed them close to me to be able to learn something. It relieves me of the need to judge others, and It focuses my attention on things I don’t want to go to the grave feeling like a victim. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me how to stand up for myself. I already knew how to run from uncomfortable events and people. The 9th step promises have taught me to rely on my instincts. “…you will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you.” I have learned to walk away from situations instead of engaging in actions that result in resentments. The bonus is that I have learned to stand my ground in situations where I need to act strongly. I owe that to myself. I had to be taught how to not run. Interesting lessons for a former combat US Marine. Now the MORE I seek is to more fully understand God’s will for me today. It’s a challenge most of the time but if I begin my daily journey with an AA meeting my chances of getting it right today just increased. May your heart be comforted. Semper Fi -H. Le

I am blessed to have gotten to know Sean when I started taking meetings out to the Utah State Prison in December 2016. Sean was released from Prison on Halloween, he had planned to go to a sober living facility in Salt Lake, but for whatever reasons he went up to Ogden, his old stomping grounds. I had so much hope that Sean had a change of heart and mind during his last stint behind bars (as he wrote in one of his articles for the Lifeline).

The last time I saw Sean was Saturday, November 11th. I picked him up from the Front Runner Station and took him to the 12:30 p.m. meeting at the Alano Club. When he got in to my car, I could tell he was high. This made me so sad. I was going to ask Sean if he wanted to come to my house to help winterize my trailer and watch the Utes game with my family after the meeting, but due to his state, I didn’t feel comfortable making the offer. During the meeting we wrote on a piece of paper “Call anyone of us first before picking up and using” with my name and number and passed it around and had 4 other members that each had 10+ years of sobriety, put their contact info on it. We stayed after the meeting and introduced him to more people. I wanted to show him how the fellowship really does work, if you want it.

After we were done at the club, I took him to a half-way house to get an application of some sort and then dropped him off at the Trax Station. Little did I know that this parting hug and good bye would be our last. The next morning Sean didn’t show to meet Craig and myself for the 10 a.m. Sunday Breakfast Meeting at the Alano Club and it was during this meeting I received a call from Ogden Medical, they had found Sean passed away in one of their waiting rooms. They had gotten my number off a piece of paper they found in his pocket.

I have had a lot of mixed emotions due to Sean’s death. I find comfort that he is no longer suffering and will not have to fight this disease on a daily basis. I also find comfort that he is out of prison and free in a place that will not judge him for being an ex-con, etc. But with all of that comfort, I do catch myself having guilt. Did I do enough? If only I had invited him to my house to watch the game? What if I had confronted him about relapsing?

When it is all said and done I have to remember AA’s Responsibility Statement: I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible. Rest easy my friend!

-Kristen P.

One morning, upon awakening

On a city bus bench…………. Angry, disoriented, disgusted and drenched

Too distraught to travel, another single inch

I didn’t know where I was going

Wasn’t quite sure where I had been

You see, I’d lost my ticket along the way

As hassles and plots thickened

Attempting to shift the blame

I justified every little thing

Implicating both foes and friends

As the reason the saga began


Then, reality struck, like lightening In the midst of stormy weather

A voice from the wind whispered “look within

For only you can chose to be better”.

So, I made a vow, with my head unbowed

To first pull my self together….

Empowered by choice, indecision was deposed

I took control of body, mind and soul….


Sam S. Wasatch Facility – Utah State Prison