Author: webservant

Fearless

 It hasn’t been long since this has begun

But this feeling makes me feel strong

Started out a skeptic, but came out of my shell

Now I’m open and I feel I belong

 

I never knew this could be easy

Didn’t know these feelings I could feel

But at last I have opened my eyes

A now I know that this is real

 

I thought I’d hold back and just listen

But I will stand and share my burning desire

I feel closer than comfort will allow

And inside I’ll feel the heart of the fire

 

The return of memories, but I’m okay today

I can look inside of me at what I couldn’t before

The time has come to get through this

Now it’s time to unlock and open that door

 

Turning the key I will remember

When it’s in my face I will not resist

It’s time to face the pain inside

I realize now, these things do exist

 

I will look at it now even if I can’t let go

I will hold on tight for the gentle release

Slowly approaching the darkness contained

Knowing that the fear will finally cease

 

The strength is around me I’m safe from harm

I will search inside I will find my buried soul

I will pray today, “God it’s in your hands

Over how this turns out, I give you control”

 

-Aimee M, 90th & 32nd

 

 

 

My last drink was October 16, 2015. I had convinced myself after a year of sobriety that I was non-alcoholic. I was just what the book refers to as a “heavy drinker” because all of my partying occurred between the age of 12-21.  I believed wholeheartedly that I could drink again because I was 21. In hindsight, not a good argument against alcoholism. I drank for about 10 days before I was crying to God for help. I was alone in my one bedroom apartment, drunk, sobbing.  About 10 minutes after I said the taboo God word, someone came and knocked on my door as a 12-step call. Something was looking out.

I called the sponsor I worked with the year prior and told her, I got a newcomer chip, and stopped calling her. It was easy to not call and still say I had a sponsor because she moved out of state. I white knuckled it for 90 days. While I was still active in my service commitments, social world, relationship, and hobbies, my connection with god was absent.

At 90 days an AAer from another state posted that he needed a place to stay. The good AA I was I told him he could stay on my couch that night. I got brutally raped that night. The one thing I didn’t think could happen in sobriety, happened. I thought that I was safe from that horror because I wasn’t blacking out and putting myself in dangerous situations anymore. It happened in the living room of my own home. The next month one of my best friends overdosed on heroin and died. Circumstances threw me off the mental deep end and shattered my perception of the universe. My already existing Major Depression Disorder and Bipolar Disorder swan dove off a cliff. I acquired PTSD. I became gravely suicidal.

I was so afraid, but after being around AA for a few years I had hope that I was not alone. I began reaching out in meetings, asking if anyone could help me because I wasn’t going to drink, I was going to kill myself.

I got hooked up with a new sponsor. She didn’t keep me sober, but she kept me grounded. We got to work immediately. She picks up the phone when I am afraid of myself. She helped me pray again. She does NOT proclaim to be my mental health doctor and highly suggested outside help. She is a woman in recovery who shares her experience strength and hope with me and guides me through the work as it is laid out in the big book. Outside help has looked like going to talk therapy, quitting talk therapy, going to UNI sober, finding an EMDR specialist, starting med management and getting a service dog.

Something has helped me stay sober through everything. No matter what happens, I don’t have to pick up a drink today. If you are in pain, PLEASE REACH OUT. Someone will catch you! You need to yell when you are falling. I am learning to not let someone else’s darkness cast a shadow on my heart. I pray for light to illuminate the darkness in others.

Stay gold.

-Maggie

 

Step #3…my experience with step 3 goes something like this, there is a God (HP) and its not me – Never has been! I might have believed it once or twice but today I’m convinced it is in no way shape or form me! I’ve been sober for 31 years and believe me I have spent mucho time in what my sponsor calls “Spiritual Wilderness” where I had no feeling of my God’s presence…. a very lonely – dark kinda place!

Today I know that my God never leaves me, it’s my defects that separate me from God, you and eventually myself.

OK….This is not to everyone’s liking but has worked fabulously for me! My sponsor told me that in the 3rd step we enter into a partnership with our higher power. That God has his (or Her) responsibilities and I have mine! Also that God is ALWAYS bringing it! The rub is me! See its easy for me when things are going well to feel grateful, participate in recovery, etc. It’s when my defects – yes they have been greatly reduced over the years but they still can raise their ugly head – arise that I can have problems participating in my partnership. Fear – self pity – anger…Those self absorbing traits that still lay deep inside can take me out of a shared experience with my God, then I’m back to that very lonely – dark kinda place. I find through practice, prayer and sharing that this gets better.

I have a routine that I am getting really good at in the morning of consciously communicating with God about the days events about to unfold. I ask to be relieved “Of The Bondage of Self”, that I live this day according to what He would have me do! I ask for help with accepting what transpires today, that its all happening just the way it’s supposed to. Even if I don’t like it! That I am loved beyond my mortal thinking by that same God. A wise man in AA once said “It’s in the constant seeking” that life changes for the better.

-Gregory

 

The only thing an alcoholic may find more boring than a group business meeting is reading about a group business meeting.  With that in mind, I will try to make this as painless as possible and stick to my experience and the experiences of the groups I have belong to.

During my first years of sobriety, I could have cared less about how my group was functioning.  I just wanted to stay sober and I was glad that my sponsor and the group were there.  Then, after a couple of years I became more interested in what was going on in my group.  It was then that I realized that my group had its own shortcomings just like any alcoholic.

After switching groups around 4 years sober, I got involved with a group that was conducting regular business meetings and group inventories.  Once a quarter, they would hold a group inventory and ask the group inventory questions from the pamphlet “The AA Group … Where it All Begins”.  The pamphlet suggests holding group inventories and periodically asking questions such as “What is the basic purpose of our group?” and “Do new members stick with us or does the turnover seem excessive?”

I found these group inventories to be a little boring, yes but also comforting.  It was nice to know that there was a place for our group to explore our shortcomings together.  If I don’t continue to take a personal inventory, my defects are not going to do away.  And the same is for the group.

Of course, now I had found the “right way” to hold business meetings and how to conduct a group.  I moved to a couple of different states over the next few years and I learned that groups that had been around for 10 – 20 years were not so interested in learning about the “right way” to do Alcoholics Anonymous.  There were a few painful business meetings where I voiced my minority opinion with self righteous fervor.  Luckily, most of the other members just listed patiently.

As I learned I could not completely change a homegroup, I could positively influence by acting in a positive way and voicing my opinion when appropriate.  I also learned that I did not need to change every group I belonged to.  I also learned that if I did not really like the group, I could always change homegroups.

Today, I am part of a homegroup that also has regular business meetings.  We have business meetings once a month where we elect for coffee, greater, set-up, and take-down positions.  And then once a quarter, we meet at a members house to go over our group inventory.  We typically make it a fellowship event that last for about 2 hours.  The first hour is spent socializing and eating.  And then the second hour we have the meeting.

During the first half hour of the meeting, we go over minutes from the last group conscious meeting and any group business.  And then for about 20 minutes we will ask the questions from the AA Group pamphlet or from The Traditions Checklist from the AA Grapevine.  It is an open group format and everyone is encouraged to participate.  It is the chairperson’s responsibility to keep the meeting on topic.  We have recently transitioned to using the Traditions Checklist from the AA Grapevine and only going over one tradition at a time.

In this way, our group as a channel for members to voice their frustrations and hopes for the group.  It is also a great way for the group to reflect how we are doing on meeting the checklist.

That is the way my group does it today.  I did not invent this system.  I am just lucky enough to be a part of it. And I am also luck enough to remember most of the time that this is not the only right way to conduct a group business meeting and inventory

 

– Mark

 

This is part of that advice that we all receive as newcomers that accompanies, “Get a sponsor, work the steps.” Fortunately, I had the openness and willingness to follow that advice and for that I am very grateful.

I have a different meeting that I regularly attend for each day of the week. Some days alternate between a meeting during the day or an evening meeting, depending on work and other commitments. In a certain sense, each of these meetings acts as a kind of home group for me. My home group meets 5 days each week, but I attend at least once or twice each week.

These descriptive phrases help me understand what a home group is- there could be certainly be more:

1. I am regularly there
2. I miss only when it cannot be helped
3. I have developed close relationships with others who attend
4. I take positions of service at the meeting or in the name of the group
5. I come early when possible and stay late at times
6. I care about the meeting
7. I celebrate lengths of sobriety at this meeting (mine and others)
8. I encourage others to attend my home group

While I try to bring each of these to every meeting I attend, they are most particularly present at my home group.

I think each person should have the chance to hospitable, welcoming and of service in his or her own home group. It makes sense to me that each group is determined by its own group conscience. Every group I attend does not necessarily need my input to their conscience. I like the idea of benefitting from each group as they wish to have a meeting.  Each group should be confident in its own way of doing things.

We hear at meetings that no one person speaks for AA. I also think that no one meeting speaks for AA. Pick a home group and contribute to its carrying of the message. Work to make the carrying of the message in your home group the best it can be. I have also learned that it is foolish for me to think that each meeting I attend has to meet my expectation of a meeting. I should accept to group’s hospitality, contribute graciously and willingly and depart gratefully.

When I am asked to introduce myself at a meeting as an out of town visitor, I am always excited to say, “My name is John and my home group is the 5:15 Happy Hour in Salt Lake City, Utah.”

-John

 

Early in my sobriety, my sponsor was constantly encouraging me to volunteer for every little thing that came up, so when they were looking for AA volunteers for prison, I felt that familiar elbow in my ribs. I knew where I was headed and I soon found myself at the Fred House training center at the Utah State Prison for an indoctrination class. It didn’t look too bad.  After waiting for months without a response to my application, I called, only to learn that I had been denied because I had a relative, unknown to me, in the area I would be going into and that was not allowed. After three or four more attempts, I decided to forget it. Nineteen years later, after I got one of my sponsees involved in service, he wondered why I was not going into the prison, as well. I explained the problem and he suggested I try again. How’s that? The sponsee is telling the sponsor what to do. Ok. I’ll do it! Amazingly, it went right through and I was soon walking through the gates of the Lone Peak Facility for my first prison meeting. One of the inmates there had written to World Services and had the Life Elevated Group recognized as an official AA meeting. That first meeting quickly fueled my passion and I accepted the responsibility for the Sunday night meetings. Some nights there were only two of us, but on others, there were up to 16 men. It is never the same, but everyone always has a chance to share. I have been fortunate to take some of these men to their first meetings after being released, and have also seen them accept additional chips for years of sobriety.

Unfortunately, as we know, some people just can’t seem to get it, and I have seen some back behind the fence shortly after being released. Perhaps next time will be different!

After three years, due to a dwindling population and budget cuts, the Lone Peak Facility and other small sections are being shuttered. Most inmates will move to the Wasatch Facility, others to the Gunnison Prison and some to local jails or halfway houses. I have been assured that once everyone has been transferred, we can resume our Sunday meetings at Wasatch. Not soon enough! These people think we go out there just for them, but these meetings have certainly helped to keep me sober. Thanks for the opportunity to serve.

–John E.

 

Okay, so the first eight steps were behind me. I felt as if I had already given so much of myself in the previous steps, but was now faced with moving from behind the shield of protection that surrounded me in AA, to the firing line of reality.  Could I do it?

 

I had felt protected.  I had felt safe.  All the things that I had shared or accomplished to this point were conducted in AA meetings, or were shared with my sponsor in working the steps, in safe and protected rooms.  The people I had harmed were still just in written form, on a piece of paper.  I knew the harm had been done, but it seemed distant and less real, even though I had just completed a thorough eighth step.  They were names on paper, that’s all.  Standing in front of a piece of paper with a list of names on it did not seem threatening in any form.

My sponsor was great at bringing me back to reality.  I won’t say he was a big book thumper, but he knew that if I wanted to truly get over drinking, that Step Nine must be completed.  We read and reread pages 76-84 in the Big Book, which provide the primary instructions for making amends to those we harmed, and then he set me free to go make amends.  I found that I could do it, but more importantly, that I WOULD do it.  Willingness: the word that leads to honesty and open-mindedness, and ultimately ACTION.

 

My experience boils down to this:  First – pray for courage before meeting with any individual that you are going to make direct amends to (you must stay spiritually fit).  Second – keep it honest and simple and stay on task, never get defensive.  Third – disclose directly the reasons you are making amends as you understand the situation.  Fourth – ask the person what harm you have caused them (it is easy to express what you believe happened, but entirely different to know what they experienced, or how they felt when we harmed them)..  Five – ask not for forgiveness, but make a sincere apology to the one you harmed and ask specifically what you can do to ‘make it right’, and if it is not immoral or unethical, do all you can to heed their request.  Six – accept that you did all you are required to do to make amends, regardless of the outcome.  Surprisingly you will find that most amends end positively.

 

My strength boils down to this:  The ninth step promises are real.  My favorite promise from working this step is that I will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace, followed by not being afraid of people anymore, especially those I harmed.

My hope boils down to this:  I hope you pray for the courage to do this step.  The freedom is immeasurable and the promises are life-changing.  I hope you lean on your sponsor for direction and take advantage of their experience and guidance along with the suggestions found in pages 76-84 of the Big Book and complimented by the suggestions in the Twelve and Twelve on step nine.  Taking AA from the rooms of AA into action is life changing.  You want to quit drinking for good?  Then take this step completely and thoroughly.   Remember: Half-measures avail us nothing…..

 

– Lloyd R

 

Tradition Nine is astonishing, “AA as such ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.” In the words of Bill W, “The least possible organization, that’s our universal ideal. No fees, no dues, no rules imposed on anybody, one alcoholic bringing recovery to the next; that’s the substance of what we most desire, isn’t it?”

As an alcoholic, recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, I’m still riddled with character defects… the biggest one is the idea that “I know what’s right for other people.”  Even after a few 24 hours, those defects crop up most often in situations I am passionate about. The 9th tradition helps keep me right sized, keep me in the center of the heap instead of trying to climb to the top of it or hide underneath it. The 9th Tradition reminds me I am just a person amidst a sea of people. That was something my sponsor really drove home… that I am unique but not different.

Like the actor in The Big Book, I am sometimes tempted to run the whole show. If everyone would just play the role I assigned everything would turn out fine. There are cautioning words later in working with others… Bill stresses that we do not know what’s right for other people… only what is right for me.

It was in my first business meeting in a home group with several hundred members I had my first encounter with the 9th tradition. A hot topic was being called to vote, there were many passionate views being expressed on both sides… things were getting heated. It was those Elder Statesman that gently reminded the group of tradition and concept, and then allowed the chips to fall as they may.  And while there were members sober much longer than me, my vote counted just as much. That’s the group conscience working in Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I’m just another Bozo on the bus, period- not better than or worse than.

Today I seek to see myself as one in the family, a worker among workers, just another driver on the highway of life. The 9th tradition taught me that.

-Anna S.