Category: Lifeline

In our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book, the first thing it says on this matter is, “this is the step that separates the men from the boys.” I can’t tell you how frustrated I was upon reading that the first time. “How can these people judge me as not being a man?” I thought, “I’ve done so much work up to this point, there is no reason for this criticism. I’ll do a Step 6 when I’m ready. This book doesn’t have one up on me, and this motivation tactic is a flawed one.”

Surely some of you old timers reading this can see the hilariousness of this alcoholic irony. My thinking was still in a place where it needed DESPERATE help and love from the program of alcoholics anonymous. I had the character defect of pride dancing throughout my mind, and it was still preventing me from moving forward. I embraced it to an extent, because by holding on to it, and building a case against this step, I was able to have my will-power back. To a mind dealing with uncured alcoholism, what a treat this was!

We AA’s have a tendency to live a double-life. Exercising our will in the shadows gives us a feeling of “living on the edge”, an exciting place to be, but dangerously fatal. We feed our ego again this way, fueling the same beast that landed us in these rooms in the first place.

Up to this step, i had had a wonderfully freeing experience of raising the white flag and admitting i couldn’t go on fighting, finding a power greater than myself, and committing my new life to him, laying out my inventory in black and white, and sharing it with another human that I had trusted and well as God. It still wasn’t until I did this Step that I realized how the nooks and crannies of my alcoholism were still glossed over as unwilling. Not because of a desire to not do the steps, but because of the sheer power of how badly this disease had locked me into selfishness.

By the grace of God, however, once this was pointed out to me, it was obvious how desperately I needed this 6th step, and how much I still needed, need, and desire to grow. By offering myself to this Higher Power, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I emerged on the other side a stronger individual, with a keener eye into the dark caverns of my own alcoholism. God makes this possible. The question poised in the Big Book: “Can He now take them all – every one?” is a simple answer. Yes.  God also helps me use these character defects to light a path to ones I didn’t know existed within me. The rabbit hole is deep, but with God’s help, and willingness, it has a bottom that is not nearly as low as the one I used to live in. I am so grateful to share my experience with this step. I am truly blessed to have gone into Step 6 a boy, and to have emerged a man.

—Eric M

“We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all, everyone? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” A.A. Big Book p.76

Wow!  What a tall order for a woman like me.  How do I accomplish such a task?

Thank God the Steps are in order for a reason.  Steps 1 – 3 were about my acceptance and belief.  Steps 4 & 5 were about the discovery of the trend in my character defects.  Now, in Step 6 – I have become “entirely willing” to have a God, of my understanding, help me to be rid of them entirely.

Really?  How does this work in my crazy mind?  My experience is I had to take a look at what was driving my character defects?  Why was I angry?  Why was I judging the people around me?  Why was I envious of my friends?  Why did I want what others had to make me happy?  For me, at the end of the day, it all came down to fear.  I was an insecure little girl, scared to do life.  Once I realized the root of my character defects, it was recommended to me, by my sponsor, that every morning when I wake up I should ask myself this question…. Am I Ready To Do Business Today?  Am I ready to be “entirely willing” to have God, as I understand him, remove all my character defects?  Thank God for me this is progress not perfection.

With this in mind, I believe I have two choices today:

1). To actively seek and practice in a new way of living and thinking or 2). To wait until I am in so much pain that the choice becomes obvious, and then choose to participate only enough to get the pain to stop for a while.  I have had experience with both.

Today and on the days that I choose #1, something amazing happens!  I am able to get quite, invite God into my day, ask him to remove my character defects, and for me to stay out of the way. Then, I get to enjoy a happy, joyous, and free day!

I am grateful that I can choose to take the best possible attitude each day towards becoming a better me.  Step 6 is a lifetime job and I have the opportunity each day to work towards the woman God wants me to be.

My Heart Is Smiling today and I owe it all to God, the Steps of AA, and amazing sponsorship.  I am truly blessed to have a super Awesome life!

So, What Step 6 is to me?  It is the AA Spiritual Key – The Key to Willingness!

You Don’t Want To Miss It!

Much Love, Kimmi S

Chapter 6, titled “Into Action”, is in my experience a guide for the steps 5 through 11 in the program we call Alcoholics Anonymous.  This chapter, as its title suggests, is all about the recovering alcoholic physically reviewing his wrongdoings and setting them right.  In other words, getting into action.  While working the steps throughout this chapter with a sponsor I have experienced a freedom that, I believe, could not have been given me with any other means.  These 7 sequential steps are where, for me, the real recovery of this program lies.  It is about setting my past transgressions right and maintaining that standing.  My higher power, with which I call God, allows me the strength and willingness to follow through with the actions suggested in this chapter.  Step 5, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, allowed me to look at myself, with the help of another person, and see who I truly was inside.  After completing this step I moved to steps six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, and step seven, humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings, which then allowed me to take the visual that I had learned of myself and change my character with the help of God.  With my sponsor I then moved to step eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all, and nine, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, and set right the wrongs of my past emotionally and financially for those I had affected negatively.  And then I moved to the final two steps of this chapter which were steps ten, continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, and step eleven, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.  These two allowed me then, and now, to help me keep my relationships free from harm that I am capable of causing.

—Alex J.

I sobered up in a small group in West Louisiana with six folks who were sober from 2 to 32 years and who believed that everything they needed to know to stay sober was contained in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  They also believed that “sponsorship” was essential and they quickly assigned a woman who had been sober ten years to be my “temporary” sponsor.  She remained  my sponsor until she died.  She told me to show up at her house every Wednesday at 2:00 p.m. and we would “work” together.  I had no idea what “work” meant, but I soon discovered that “working” meant that I read the Big Book to her and when the book instructed “action,” I was to take that “action.” If I was unwilling to take the “action,” I was to leave and return when I was “willing.”

There is a lot of “action” in Chapter Six!  Chapter Six contains the instructions for taking Steps Five through Eleven.   Instructions for taking seven of the twelve Steps are laid out beginning on page 72 and by page 88 I am ready to go out and “help others.”

My first sponsor said that Chapter Six contained “the nuts and bolts” of the program.  She called the first three Steps the “Realization” Steps, Steps Four through Nine the “Clean Up” Steps and Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve the “Growth Steps.”  My gratitude that I walked into the Harbor Group of Many, Louisiana is boundless.  They told me, quite frankly, that all AA had for me were these 12 Steps and that the fellowship alone could not and would not keep me sober, but could keep me afloat until I did the “work” and that the “work” would set me free.  Because they all seemed to have done “the work” and seemed “happy, joyous and free,”

I believed them and with more than a little trepidation, became willing to do the “work.”

In Step Five I deal with all the “mind debris” of my life.  I find all the things that I have done that have haunted me and told me I was a “bad person.”  I take all that out of my mind’s storage locker admit it to my Higher Power and myself, then tell  it to “another human being.”  I took my Fifth Step with that first sponsor and we discussed everything: my guilt, shame and regret.  In Steps Six and Seven I became ready and willing to have all my character defects removed, I then asked my Higher Power to remove them.  I learned that I do not have to pick and choose what is to be removed or when.  I simply try to live in an attitude of “patience, tolerance, kindliness and love,” which, for me was a tall order.  In Steps Eight and Nine I “clean up the wreckage of my past” by making a list of all I have harmed and speaking to each one, setting things right and making financial restitution where owed.

Step Ten changed my life.  I learned to take a “spot” inventory.  If I am at odds with anyone or anything in my life I find my part in it, ask for help and set it straight by making amends.  An unfailing commitment to Step Ten enabled me to change my behavior.   Step Eleven gives instructions for asking for help each morning and reviewing my actions each evening.

In one sentence:  Chapter Six lays out a course of action that has given me a “life beyond my wildest dreams.”

BETTY H.

But what about the other victims of alcoholism?

What about the scars of those family members?

As alcoholics, we know of the heartaches and distress that our families have experienced because of the disease of Alcoholism. What a debt of gratitude we owe to these first women of the program now known as Al-Anon. Many of us have family members in Al-Anon presently.

Lois Wilson, the wife of Bill Wilson and a co-founder of The Al-Anon Family Groups, was born Lois Burnham on March 4, 1891 at 182 Clinton Street in Brooklyn Heights, New York. She lived to be 97 years old.

If you have ever had contact with Al-Anon, then you have been the benefactor of Lois Bumham Wilson. Lois W., as she often called, was the wife of AA Co-founder Bill Wilson. Her obituary reads: “As Lois W., she was revered as ”the first lady of Al-Anon,” and as a living reminder of the beginnings five decades ago of the Alcoholics Anonymous self-help movement.”

In 1951, Bill suggested that Lois create a program for the family and friends of alcoholics so they might receive similar help to that of the members of AA. At the age of 60, and with some reluctance, she followed Bill’s suggestion. She wanted to pursue some of her more artistic activities and her gardening. Nevertheless, Lois’ strong sense of service outweighed her personal interests, and at the end of the 1951 AA General Service Conference, she gathered the delegates’ wives and local family groups’ members to discuss the formal organization of Al-Anon. Al-Anon now has over 29,000 groups worldwide and a membership of over 387,000. Recent anonymous sources say that worldwide membership of Al-Anon is estimated now at about 500,000.

Sources too numerous mention here give homage to this amazing woman. Lois W. is an inspiration. Here are just a few of the quotes from her life:

“Hearts understand in ways our minds cannot.” 

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.”

“The world seems to me excruciatingly, almost painfully beautiful at times, and the goodness and kindness of people often exceed that which even I expect.”   

Lois Wilson was one of the 20th century’s most important women. Her life was, in some ways, shadowed by that of her husband, but more recently, she has been brought to light for her unique contribution to humanity. Her tireless efforts and vision made Al-Anon the strong organization it is today and are the reason why it continues to attract members through its message of hope and healing. Truly, there are no words that encompass debt of gratitude we owe to the selfless people like Bill and Lois that brought us together as members of AA and Al-Anon. For those interested in learning more about her, Mrs. Wilson wrote an autobiography, ”Lois Remembers,” first published in 1979.

—Nils J.

 ~For more information on the Al-Anon Family Groups, please visit the website at www.al-anon.alateen.org

Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

So there we were…coffee in hand, sitting across from each other at the park. I was staring awkwardly off into the distance as my sponsor was waiting patiently for me to begin. The moment had come for me to clean out my closet and expose years of resentment, fear, and poor moral behavior. I had spent several hours compiling an honest and thorough fourth step in the preceding couple of months, and though there was delay on my part, I was finally done! I was relieved and excited to begin step five, but that was somewhat shadowed by fear and insecurity for what I was about to disclose to this man that I had only known for six months. I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Is this really necessary to stay sober?” Then, without dwelling on that brief moment of doubt, I did what I had been doing since my first day of sobriety. I trusted in the process, I trusted all the people that came to AA before me, I trusted my sponsor, and most importantly I trusted that God would watch over me. So, I began reading off my resentments one by one. First the person/place/institution that I resented, why I resented them, how it affected me, and last, what my part was in the resentment. Followed each time by a brief discussion between my sponsor and me about how I was selfish, fearful, or concerned in matters that were not my business. It almost made me laugh to see how many things I resented that had no real bearing on my life and how much confusion and chaos goes on in my head on a daily basis. It really helped to get a new perspective on my thinking. Next, I read all of my fears aloud. I thought that I might be judged or that my sponsor would laugh at me, but to my surprise and comfort, he shared with me most of the exact same fears. We began talking about them and he helped me realize that my fears were not real, but just created in my mind. Last, I read several pages of my moral conduct inventory starting as early as I could remember in my childhood and finishing with that day. There were several things in my inventory that I was not proud of, but after my sponsor shared some items from his inventory, I knew I was not alone. When we finished I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted!  However, spiritually, I felt very connected to God and was overcome by a huge sense of relief. After a prayer and a hug, my sponsor sent me off to complete my sixth and seventh steps alone in the mountains overlooking the valley. As we parted ways, he said to me, “Welcome to AA, most people don’t make it this far.”

–Jeff F.

The language on the first page of Chapter 5 is dire.  It is filled with ominous worlds like ‘Will not completely, constitutionally incapable, naturally incapable, chances less than average, suffer, grave emotional disorder’. Whew!

These grave phrases may seem melodramatic to a non-alcoholic but to me they described the final years of my drinking perfectly.  I had been constitutionally incapable of being honest to myself, let alone my loved ones.  I suffered from grave emotional and mental disorders. I was a mess and I wanted out.

As I continued reading, the chapter summarized that I would need to hold nothing back. This was it. I could continue acting as I had and slowly dying, or I could face the music and live as the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is laid out.

That is the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous – the words read in the Big Book and uttered by other alcoholics in meetings made sense to me because I had lived those words.  Those stories were my story.   To outsiders they may be interesting, amusing and horrific, but to me they felt like pages ripped out of my diary.

This chapter opening may read like a downer to a person who has not suffered the ill effects of alcoholism, but it doesn’t to me.  I feel it summarizes what I had been through, the rough and utter hopelessness of being an alcoholic in the midst of my disease.

It also offers hope.  If I am willing to take the ‘easier softer way’ of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will have a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me this means I like myself, I am sober.

-Mike W.

Without it we have nothing!  As I began to put together the words that would make up this piece, I didn’t know exactly what it was I was going to say or even how I would say it. However, after a plethora of prayer & a maelstrom of meditation, I began to believe that I would be able come up with something that, by a recent experience, would indeed give someone else a bit of something which I had been completely out of for so long.

After having distanced myself from my father through irresponsibility, irrationality and inescapable fear, I was unable to get/cause myself to reconnect with a man whom I admire a great deal, love very much and have disappointed more than my share. I felt as though I had begun to exist within a circle of light that, as time passed, began to grow even darker and ever smaller. I felt like there wasn’t any and there was little chance of it there ever being any as the days became weeks, months, years and eventually decades.

Fear frolicked in my “magnifying mind” as I created scenario after scenario of what his reaction might be, words he might say and how, if at all I would be able to handle myself after doing something I’ve needed/wanted to for so long now. (As if I was handling it well at all.)  LOL

Daily a desire to re-establish a contact burned within me. Despite this, however, I remained unable (unwilling,) to bring myself to initiate contact with the man who brought me into this world (with my mother’s help). Friends and relatives would suggest that I just pick up the phone (the 100 lb. one) and call him.

My Mom (divorced 40 yrs.) would always ask me if I had called him. More than once I had told her I planned on calling him as soon as I was finished talking with her. (Actions speak louder than words) Yet she too had been left wondering about me for almost two years and knew that she’d believe it IF she SAW it!

It seems rather ironic to me that I had volunteered for this “assignment” (writing this – not calling him) when in fact I had little of it but knew there was some so I agreed to do my best at getting it done.

Christmas Day, at about two o’clock, I called my Mom to wish her a Merry X-Mas and to ask her if she had gotten the poem I had sent via e-mail to her earlier that day. I’d been unable to get and send her even a card so I did my best at putting my love for her into words and BELIEVED she’d appreciate it. She, after some resuscitation of her “dinosaur” tablet, said she thought it was there and after a short time she read it aloud back to me. After she was done reading it she said “Thank you it’s adorable. Have you called your father yet?”

Once again I told her that I planned to (remember God shows his sense of humor when I make plans) as soon as we finished our talk.

This time however was different. I DID CALL!!! Lo and behold he even answered this time. I’d called him a few weeks earlier (believe it or not), and come to find out he was out of the country. Here I thought he just didn’t want to speak with me (he would often tell me “that’s what you get for doing your own thinking).

After wishing him a Merry X-Mas and telling him how much I loved him I asked him how the weather was in Huntington Beach on Christmas. He said he didn’t know ’cause he was out at his brother’s house in WVC. I asked him if he had the means to come pick me up from Fellowship Hall and he said yes!  WOW!

After enduring more than twenty years of being afraid to tell my own Dad that I was in fact gay he began to tell me that his uncle “PAT-sy” was also gay. He said he didn’t give a damn if I was gay, straight or what have you. His ONLY concern was that I was happy being who I really was!

Wow! What a relief! Just as it was as I first came into A.A. I had little of it if any, now by the grace of God I have more HOPE than ever.

I am an alcoholic who happens to be gay & when ANYONE anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of A.A. to be there for that I am responsible.

Alan B.