Author: webservant

I was leaving a meeting the other day and asked a friend “Will I see you tomorrow?” He replied, “God willing.” A little irritated, I said “Are you gonna be here or not? God is always willing”. Then, I had that ahha moment: what are other alcoholics favorite and not so favorite catchy AA slogans? ?

My first interview took place at 6:30 am service with a smile, this gentlemen pointed out that there are only three actual AA slogans which can be found on page 135 of the Big Book: First Things First, Live and Let Live, and Easy Does It.

His favorite slogan was “Live and Let Live” because, “I can let non– alcoholics live their lives and I can live mine. My interaction with other alcoholics is similar—just because I have to work a rigorous, honest program for my alcoholism doesn’t mean another alcoholic does. I can let them do what they need to do and not let that affect my serenity.”

I asked “How long did it take to get to the point of live and let live?”

“Probably like 15-18 years – it used to be the worst, I used to hate it. It took a long time for it to sink in, a lot of work, agony, meetings and reading literature until i found out what AA was and what AA wasnt’” he replied.

Onto his least favorite slogan, “It’s no where in any AA literature but somehow it made into the rooms. I have heard over the last 15 years or so, big in South Florida, Atlanta, and even a few times here in Park City. “Meeting Makers Make It”. He seemed disgusted: “I just think its a big dis-service to AA. My experience has been that meeting makers just make meetings. I just don’t like that little saying at all.”

I asked when you say dis- service what do you mean he replied ” When people come to AA they are searching for an answer they’re desperate; there needs to be a sense of urgency. The “meeting makers make it” phrase kinda just falls on deaf ears and that moment of clarity can pass by. Bill Wilson said ” Our chief responsibility was an appropriate definition of the program of AA to the newcomer”.

My second interview also took place at 6:30 am service with a smile. I asked a friend her favorite AA slogan and she replied ” Let Go and Let God because when I think that I am in control or when I think that I have the answers,  it has only gotten me into trouble .This saying reels me back in. I went out after 10 years of sobriety . I couldn’t let go of  stuff, I took charge, and eventually I drank . When I remember to let go and let god, it’s so much easier!  As soon as I say I’ve got this, there’s a problem . Learning to let go and let god at the right time is a process;  Progress not Perfection.

My least favorite AA slogan was KISS. She said “A long time ago a old codger said to me ‘just kiss’ and I was like yuck! Then he explained to me what it meant , “Keep It Simple Stupid”. Then of course I was resentful that he would call me stupid , but that was my ego. It was good for me to hear. I needed to learn every day that sometimes I can have an attitude—I’m not stupid, but I do stupid things. This is what it is and this is the reality: keep it simple, stay in the moment . I  like it now, but it was a hard one for me at the time.

It’s been a real honor to sit down with these two friends and share stories of sobriety together. It takes a lot of courage to do what we do…life is definitely better than it was!

Your Humble Trustee , Evan

What a gargantuan task this initially seems. Whenever I attempted introspection before recovery, I became anxious and full of self loathing, which led to heavy drinking and often suicidal thoughts. Throughout my life I generally thought of myself in negative terms. I knew that I had the capacity for love and kindness, but to mine own eyes that was always overshadowed by consistent acts of cruelty and self centeredness. Actions which I imagined would someday land me in prison. I hardly knew myself when I got sober, and to begin a fearless and moral inventory, which would later be discussed in its entirety with another person, seemed terrifying. This is one reason it took me a year to finish my first fourth step. That, and I’m lazy. It was suggested that I write at least a sentence or two every day until it was finished.  A wise suggestion, which I didn’t take.

I did my first fourth step as outlined in the book, which was read to me by a sponsor, who learned how to take his inventory from his sponsor. My first fourth step was almost honest and complete, just as I was almost sober when abstaining from alcohol but continuing to abuse pain pills. There were a couple items that I wasn’t willing to disclose at that time. I’ve since talked about them with my current sponsor, who to my satisfaction declared me “one of the sick ones who has to work this program harder than others”.

My fourth steps have been divided into four sections. First was my grudge list; those people, principles, and institutions with which I had resentments. I took perverse delight in taking other’s inventories, and have dozens of pages of people whom I was burned up against. I was taught that there were only two people who had to be on my resentment list. The first person on my resentment list was me. The second was God. The former was easy. I had more resentment towards myself than any other person on my list. The latter was more difficult. I hadn’t spent much time lately thinking why I resented God, but upon closer inspection, with guidance from my sponsor, I realized I had plenty that I blamed and resented God for. God didn’t give me this, God took that away from me, God made me bald! I’ve since learned God isn’t Santa Claus and has given me more than I need in this life to be happy. I believe if I had always gotten what I wanted, I’d be dead.

After listing my resentments towards everyone and thing, I listed what was affected. Was it my finances, romances, pride, ambition, or personal relations? And then I looked at my part in it. I can’t recall a single resentment where I didn’t play a part in it, although I would still rather look at somebody else’s part in it, which tells me I don’t do this step often enough.

I then listed my fears, and realized that fear had been the predominant emotion behind most of my actions and emotions throughout my entire life. It compelled me to lie, cheat, still, harm, and violate everyone I came in contact with, subtly or overtly. I realized my laziness, lying, manipulation and selfishness were all forms of fear. I didn’t even know what anxiety (fear of the future, real or imagined) was until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, but as I listened to people share about it, I realized that was what I had felt for as long as I can remember. I now try and practice living in the present moment (I’m not good at this yet) rather than dwelling on tomorrow, which is the root of my anxiety, and living in the past, which is the root of my resentment. AA has given me the tools to do this.

Finally on my list was my sexual relationships. I’m fortunate that my list wasn’t as long as some people I know, as women were one of my fears. Every now and then my desires would conquer my fears and I’d find myself involved (usually briefly) in a relationship; then catastrophe commenced. My jealousy, dishonesty, and selfishness lead to a relationship bottom that prompted me to complete the twelve steps. Pain humbled me to ask another man to be my sponsor at 2 yrs and I soon realized that I was entirely incapable of having a healthy relationship with the skills that I brought to AA. Today, I am slowly developing the tools to one day have a happy, loving and successful relationship with a healthy partner.

In truth, step 4 should be continued for a lifetime, as more is discovered the more I work at my recovery. I know now that my demoralizing behaviors were desperate attempts for power, security, acceptance, and love; natural desires taken to ugly extremes. My fourth steps have mostly uncovered the negative about me, but there is an abundance of good in me as well. I have an amazing capacity for love and kindness, and have always had this. It is God given, and explains why I was in so much pain earlier in life. I ignored the quiet urgings of my soul, my conscience, and God, and instead would heed the screaming desires of my disease. The remaining steps have helped me to be more of the person I’ve always wanted to be, to seek God’s will, and to see myself and others in a new light, when I work them. I am very grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous in helping me to grow into the man God wants me to be.

Patrick R

I recently I asked a newcomer if he would be willing to answer a few question about his experience thus far in sobriety. My intentions of this short interview was to get a different view on early sobriety. Also, a chance for other newcomers to identify with this man’s journey this far. Lastly, possibly helping sponsors identify with  new sponsees.  I want to thank our interviewee for being of service, for being vulnerable and for sharing his experience.

Humbly, Evan

“How long have you been sober?”

My sobriety date is 06/17/2016 . Coming up on 8 months.

“Do you have a sponsor and do you find this helpful?”

I found it to be life changing to share with another man what exactly has been going on with me and my life. I have never done that, not even close. My life couldn’t get much worse, so why not trust the system. I found that the program has totally accepted me, I am not unique , I have learned that I hurt a lot of people. I am no where near making amends, but I am making a living amends by my actions . I am showing them that I am trying to get this right. I still have thoughts about drinking socially, but am quickly reminded there is no doubt I will die from disease. I drove drunk countless times- I am an un–convicted felon. It feels like I don’t have anymore of those passes.

What do you think has been your biggest challenge in sobriety?”

My biggest challenge is time, its a slow process, I want to be fixed way quicker. I want everyone to come back to me with open arms. My sponsor shared with me that you have to live in acceptance of who you are at this moment. Live life on life’s terms. This is God’s time not mine. I had God in my life only when it was convenient for me. All of this is completely different now. I pray about it.

“What are some of the freedoms you have experienced in sobriety?”

Living life in the moment, learning to live life in the present. When I was drinking I could only think about the future and worry, worry ,worry, when was my next drink. Right now the program is teaching me how to live my life in the present. I have done bad things in the past and I can’t change the future. Which gives me peace and gratitude for everyday living. 

My wife of 35 years has noticed a huge change in my attitude, I am grateful , I have late night conversations with her sober, I am engaged, I make eye contact and I listen.

The return of loved ones back into our lives, learning about ourselves and learning how to love, are just a few gifts that sobriety has to offer- it’s a way of life.

In early sobriety, I could not understand the reasons and effect of the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous. In fact, I was much concerned with stopping drinking that I saw little to none application of these into a solution to my problem. Nonetheless, I was so desperate that decided to follow the steps as instructions as far as it would help me have my resolve the repertoire of problems and suffering I was into. In a sense I had surrendered and was open to try anything.

My conception of God while growing up was merely more of the understanding of a story rather than a belief. S/He was far away and I could relate much to this notion. It was like knowing that China exists, but I am actually in the US and China is way far to the other side of the planet. I do not relate to it at all other than seeing labels with a legend “Made in China” in clothing, food and products.

When I was to practice the third step for the first time, I had no idea of how God could take care of my problems, destiny and myself. But there was a small part of me that believed that something good had to come out of this notion. I guess, I was “willing” and that was enough to start the process.

The decision to turn my life over the care of God came in time. I rationalized and convinced myself that I had made it, but the truth was that I had not fully. My ego and my will still controlled part of the equation. Thru years of sobriety, my practice of the 3^rd step had its ups and downs. In many occasions, I just forced my way to have things turn out the way I thought was best. Most times, it didn’t happen but in some others-it actually did. In some other occasions, I came to a point of “letting go” trusting in my heart-not my mind, that things were to be ok. In a way, I had “acceptance” and the fear and worry vanished. However, I had never being truly able to trust no matter in all instances. Something was missing and I was still white knuckling to have destiny turn my way. It was an actually an obsession of the mind driven by ego and fear.

On the eve of the 12th year of sobriety, I was apart from my family of origin and my love life was somewhat broken. I came to extremely painful circumstances which resulted on what I describe an spiritual awakening of strenuous proportions.  During this episode, I came to understand the real meaning of the third step. I heard that pain is the cornerstone of growth and in this instance, I was able to experience the love I was always seeking for and could never fully find. I then understood that I was not longer in charge and that that love was coming from a source outside of me. I had turned the corner. My believe turned into a conviction.

Since that event, I’ve practice to the best of my ability doing just what I have  to do and what is right and in front of me. It does not mean that I can’t plan and have a target, but it means that I just need to take action as long as it is based on goodness and then leave the results up to a higher power. If it happens, great! It was meant to be, If it does not, then I did my part. Something better will be coming around the corner.  That has been my experience.

Evidently, this new dimension I strive to live every day takes work to maintain strong. After years of struggle and reluctance with meditation, it has become a regular practice of mine. I found it quite powerful and helpful to maintain a refreshed and lively view of the conviction that I made.

As any other human affair of mine, I miss the beat and fail at practicing such conviction at all times. When I do, I just go back to basics and try it again. Eventually, things get back on track. In the end that was the way it was supposed to be anyway…, and that, is turning it over to a higher power in itself.

Jorge F

My journey in Alcoholics Anonymous started in February 2005. And like most of us, I was fairly beaten up when I arrived at AA’s doorstep.  I was hopeless, helpless and by most other peoples account – heartless.   My world had become very “small” since I had pushed everyone who cared about me away and I was hiding from everyone else.  I had gotten to a point where life was unbearable and consequences of drinking were compounding daily.  My job and family were way too much for me to handle and I was to a point where death by ingestions (via alcohol or its various forms) seemed likely and preferable.

An intervention from my place of work was the culminating event from years of active alcoholism.   And while this event appeared at the time as the worst possible day of my life, I have subsequently come to realize this was the most blessed event in my life.  This was the outset of a spectacular (and sometimes not so spectacular) spiritual journey that seems to continue to advance as long as my willingness and open-mindedness continues to broaden.

I should mention, as to not paint an inaccurate picture of my sobriety path, that while the AA promises (pages 83-84 of the Big Book) have come true for this Alcoholic, I had to learn the hard way about half measures.   My progression from calamity to glimpses of serenity was by no means a linear path.  In fact, it was very fragmented and there were stretches where it felt as if I was moving backward.  But when you are riddled with self-centered fear, the idea of doing things the AA way seems absurd and quite unreasonable. Therefore, left to my own thinking, I did not succumb to the concepts of surrender, acceptance and turning it over very efficiently.  My early days in AA consisted of going to meetings daily, however I was not willing to get a sponsor and work the steps.    I refused to accept the premise that I had to do the AA program as outlined in the book.  It was not until the emotional pain got so bad that I knew I was either going to drink or I had to surrender to the fact that I needed to get a sponsor and work the steps.  This is where the principle of Hope in all its magnificent forms took over – but only once I let it!

Those early days of sobriety has proven that fears unchecked (or dealt with the same “old “way) are powerful enough to block oneself from receiving the gift of hope.  Until I truly conceded that I was an alcoholic and that I must do the AA program like every other “recovered” alcoholic it seemed I was hopeless.  But once I started to connect with others I began to open the door for hope to take over.  It all started with the building of a relationship with my sponsor. It then quickly expanded to friends of my sponsor and his sponsor.  Before I knew it, the walls began to fall and I was connecting with people in whole new and exciting way.  Not only was I connecting but hope was creeping in and I did not even notice it.

A careful review through my days in AA has revealed some amazing changes in my attitudes, my beliefs and most importantly my actions.  My personal pathway of “coming to believe” started with me changing my go it alone attitude.  It was apparent that my attitudes were blocking me from receiving the gifts of the program.   When I started to show my weakness (the beginning stages of honesty and humility), God began to show his strength through others who had walked the path before me.  It was the hope I saw in others that led me to make the decision, and overcome the huge fear, to ask another man to be my sponsor.  It was the hope I saw in others that allowed me to start to identify and stop judging.  It was the hope I saw in others that permitted me to go from contempt to maybe this can work for me. And finally it was the hope I saw in others that allowed me to transition from:

Hope  ->   Belief  ->  Faith

-Jerry F from Park City, UT

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

My first recollection of Step Two was while sitting in an AA meeting in the basement of a church reviewing the large print of the 12 steps on the wall in front of me.  To me this was like any other task list to accomplish, to do, get done and have it behind me.  When I read Step Two all I saw was the word “insanity”.  I thought well I’ve never been insane so why would I need to be “restored” to sanity.  So I could skip that STEP and move on.

Decades later when I review this step I realize that much of the time I am still insane.  Today I equate sanity with maturity.  I believe that the 12 steps have given us are our guide to “growing up”, or “maturing”.  Maturity is not gained with time, it is gained through hard work, self-assessment and a commitment to a continued self-review, trusted feedback and positive change.  All tools within the twelve steps.

A mature person, a sane person, acts with integrity, with thoughtfulness, is well-meaning and unselfish.  I have been incredibly blessed in my life to know people who have and continue to act in a mature manner even in the face of all that life can through at them.  Behaving in mature ways brings us and those that surround us happiness, peace and a sense of wellbeing.  All the lives we touch are improved when we respond in mature ways.

Insanity is what my sponsor calls Alcoholism, the ISM.  It’s the lack of integrating the steps into our lives.  Many of us have heard the notion that our “maturing” stopped the day we started drinking.  I tend to forget that the quitting is only the first half of the first step. There are 11 and 1/2 other steps required if I want to strive for maturity, for sanity.

I don’t do this work because it’s easy but because it’s worth it.  It’s not painless but this pain is nothing compared to the pain of being one of the real “walking dead”.  I want the promises to be true in my life all of the time.  I want to be “happy, joyous and free all the time. But I’m thrilled when I get some of these things some of the time.

I want my actions to reflect a high level of integrity which has been my life’s goal.  Since I’m human, much to my disappointment, only on rare occasions do I hit that mark, but on those rare occasions when I do hit that mark I experience an overwhelming feeling of grace.  A true sense of love and wellbeing that surpasses anything of this world.  I strive to be the person who says what I mean and does as I say.  I believe we are great people who do hard things but mostly that we can do great things.

Maturity is defined by having an appropriate response to the events at hand.  When I’m acting “immature” Step Two tells me I’m acting insane and only through continued work towards spiritual fitness can I begin to act mature more times than I act immature.  If you don’t know what an appropriate response is, it’s in the book, the BIG BOOK.

My sanity relies on using all of the tools of recovery.  All of which are discussed and explained in the first 164 pages in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Read it with someone who cares. Read it with someone you care about.

—Linda B, A Vision For You

At the time of his passing a month ago, I believe Ronnie to be the most tenured member of Alcoholics Anonymous in Utah. My memory is partial and probably not exact but I believe he joined Alcoholics Anonymous in about 1947, and fully committed in 1952. My father joined in 1948 in the same city of Midvale Utah. Ronnie’s wife Marjorie worked close to my shop and I was familiar with her charm and her immaculate vintage 1953 Chevrolet. Ronnie made sure the car was always perfect. She parked behind my shop in the gravel parking lot. Ronnie grew up on a farm. His story is that after he lost his driver’s license he would still drive to the Midvale liquor agency in his tractor and buy quarts of liquor – He claimed he quit drinking before they had fifths – a story I cannot confirm. He was easy-going, affable, and a great storyteller.

After a few years of my own personal tenure in AA, I became interested in the organizations history and how the organization grew.. up in Utah. Ronnie had wonderful stories and was willing to talk. AA was much different then. It didn’t rely so much on the book as it did the fellowship. 12 stepping was prominent as treatment centers were rare. Ronnie, Marjorie, my mother and father would often venture to Provo on Friday nights for Chinese dinner and an AA meeting held at the Protestant church in the center of town. Ronnie knew my dad well, and told stories from a point of view that I’d never heard. My respect for both of these men is long and deep as they genuinely loved each other. After 15 years my father started drinking again. Ronnie put no shame on the slip, Of course he called it what it was, a return to insanity and a tragic mistake. Later my father quit again and remained sober the rest of his life.

At my father’s funeral, I was introduced to some old-time AA members that joined in the 40s and early 50s. As a history buff and one who likes first-hand accounts I pursued friendship with all of these men and one woman. Nobody was more interesting or free to tell stories like Ronnie. We had the added advantage that he lived just a half a mile from my shop. When he would visit, I would figuratively dust off the chair and make him as comfortable as possible and encourage him to spool out story after story. He was a goldmine of first-hand accounts of early AA in Utah.

Somewhere in the 1990s, Ronnie started taking his neighbor, an equally old man to a few AA meetings in attempt to help the neighbor get sober. Ronnie could’ve been a patriarch, but with a genuine humility he was one among his fellows – no better – no worse – tenure did not matter. The neighbor never took the bait, but as we have witnessed before, helping others is what keeps us sober. I took Ronnie to a few meetings, and wanted to show him off, but he demurred any stardom. He listened intently and loved what he saw and the direction AA had gone.

The last few years he was a bit fuzzy and his mind could hardly focus. My affection for him only grew despite the fact that the early stories of Utah AA and his sobriety were rarely talked about. He was focused on his love for his family and grandchildren. He would tear up every time he thought of his beloved Marjorie. He was a sentimental man with a big heart and the long history that he was anxious to tell. I am glad I knew him.

Clark P

In the early 1990’s a Newcomer was looking at the AA Literature Catalog and saw the Big Book being sold in foreign languages.

“Wow”, he thought, “we should get those for our Central Office!”  Into Salt Lake Central Office he marched and stated to Arlene (our Central Office Saint/Manger). Let’s buy all the languages and stock them in our Central Office.

Arlene sighed and responded that “they might not sell and they would have to be carried on the Central Office inventory”.

Within two or three years the same man returned to ask the same question again.  The answer remained the same: “they might not sell and they would have to be carried on the Central Office inventory”.

Each few years this persistent/stubborn Alcoholic would return and try again.

In 2007 headed down to ask Ron, the Central Office Manager at the time, the same question. While driving, the Alcoholic thought, ”they will never buy these books and this is a waste of time.”  But then the thought came, “Why don’t I buy the books and donate them to Central Office for display?”  It wouldn’t cost them a dime and would never need to be counted on the inventory.

Off he drove to see if Ron would go along with a donation. Through some dialog, Ron agreed; the only stipulation being that Central Office required is that if the Central Office sells one of the foreign books, they must replace it.

The Alcoholic started buying the books a few at a time.  One day driving to Central Office he thought, “You selfish SOB, Why don’t you let AA join in?”

Thus began the project of buying Big Books around the world.  A “Carry the Message” can was created and AA members stepped forward to offer pennies, dollars and much, much more.  The list of names of the languages were put on the wall of a local club and members stepped forward to donate or buy a book that had some sentimental touch to their hearts.  The books were ordered and a couple of six shelf book cases were offered to display the books.  As the books came in they were added to the collection.

Now, the stubborn Alcoholic wanted more.  “Let’s build a display and put it on the wall,”  he suggested. This was not supported at that time, but luckily the new Central Office management in 2012 was receptive to the idea. Again, the Carry the Message can came out and AA’s were asked to support the display idea. Members stepped up and raised over $600 that  first month.

Now you know the history of the “Small World Big Book” display! If you have not been to Central Office please go and look.

-Charlie T.