Author: webservant

In my experience Step 1 was the hardest for me to come to terms with. Even before I started drinking it was necessary for me to perpetuate the illusion that I could control and handle my environment. Alcohol assisted me in following this delusion and had warped into my only solution to life’s problems. The idea that I could no longer control the one thing that had brought me so much relief or that I could not handle what my life had become was beyond frightening.

I hadn’t suffered many of the external consequences of drinking that I heard of in my first AA meeting. I excelled in my career, had my own place and hadn’t ever been arrested. I never considered that my bottom could be an emotional one. I rebelled against the notion that I couldn’t handle this and chose to go at it on my own.  I’d hit a wall, pick myself up, then carry on as if nothing had happened. I lived in this cycle for many dark and pain filled years.

My alcoholism lead me to believe that my only problem was you and the rest of the world. If only I could manage this well then I could be happy. The more unbridled my drinking became and the more chaotic my life was the harder I tried to exert my will upon things. Still operating on old ideas, I was defiant to seek help. The only solution I could see was to make my world smaller. I took a position that allowed me to work from home and began to recede from any real contact with the people I cared about most. Slowly the gravity of not being able to master the world, you or even my own drinking sank in. Alcoholism had annihilated all the things I had once found pleasure in.

I was gifted a moment of clarity one night while crying alone in bed. I could see my life playing on the same way for the next 10 years as it had been for the last 10. The image of continuing on this path was bleak at best. Thoughts of ending my life were the strongest they had been in a long while. What struck me with fear most was that the will to fight them was no longer there. A voice of a friend, who had taken me to my first meeting, popped into my head and asked two simple questions: Are you still having fun? How much more do you want to dig?

At this time of desperation I was able to be a little more honest with myself as to the true state of my life. I was now willing to concede that I what I had been attempting to do wasn’t working and that perhaps those AA’s might be able to help. I am forever grateful to the fellow alcoholic who answered my call.  In the past, I would have never imagined that an act of surrendering would be so empowering. I now see that a seed of hope was planted that night. The hope that what had worked for you could, just perhaps, work for me too.

-Anonymous

“You need to know, you are in sudden danger of dying at any moment.”   Not necessarily the words one wants to hear from his doctor, but there they were.  The next thing I knew I was being rushed to Cedar Siani Medical Center in Los Angeles and promptly landed in their Cardiac Critical Care Unit.  The feeling was surreal.  There were all these specialists running around, poking and prodding me with various tubes, hooking me up to several monitors, taking countless blood samples, rushing things to the lab, and it was all so serious.  The intake nurse came to my bedside and began to ask the basic questions: my name, where I lived, phone numbers, insurance, and then she asked me my birthday.  I simply said, well if you do a really good job, I’ll be 43 next month.  December 12th to be exact.

Then the attending doctor came in.  He was quiet and pensive.  He looked me right in the eye and said, “You need a heart transplant.  And you need to get your affairs in order, as we don’t know if we can do the protocol in time to get you one.”  Then turned and walked away.

Upon hearing those words, something extraordinary happened.  I had a spiritual awakening.  No big flash of light or burning bush mind you.  It was clear, visceral and quiet.  I became acutely aware that I was not my body.  It’s important to note, this was not an intellectual assessment, it was simply my knowing.  I distinctly thought, well if it’s time to go I am perfectly OK with it.  I got that I was not this physical apparatus, with arms and legs and organs and skin and bones.  I had this keen sense of knowing that I was an eternal spirit, that I was simply inhabiting those things temporarily.

And at the same time I recall thinking, well if I was to stay here on planet earth, I was OK with that too.  I honestly wasn’t attached to either way.  It’s like I became an observer of this drama that was playing out in the emergency room.  I was filled with peace, a peace that was beyond anything I had ever felt before.  It’s like when our book talks about being rocketed into the fourth dimension.  Talk about freedom from bondage!  My conscious contact was as though I had become one with this Infinite Intelligence, with my Higher Power.  I don’t know how long I was in this euphoric state, but it lasted quite a while.  And then I made a decision, that I was going to find a way to heal my heart.

It’s like when I walked into the rooms of AA and made a decision to get sober.  I didn’t know how that was going to happen, but you told me all I had to be was willing, open and most importantly, honest.

So if it worked for one fatal disease, I decided to approach this in the exact, same way.  The fact that it was my heart told me that something was off with my personal integrity.  That I was not in alignment with my core values and therefore God.  And in hind sight, I clearly had not been for a long, long time.

After 30 days in the hospital, with my trial medications and a pacemaker /defibulator firmly implanted, they sent me home to wait for my new heart.  Over the next several months I began another rigorous moral inventory, one that rivaled my cardiac rehabilitation.  I had to dig deep and see where I was not being honest with myself.  I was in a relationship for over a year and a half which was very unhealthy, where I compromised my values.  And my body was trying to get my attention.  The anxiety, loss of energy, stress, unhappiness, frustration, etc. were all early signs that I had ignored.  The irony that it was my heart that became sick had not escaped me.

This is a much bigger story than can be told in 650 words, but I will tell you this. Through the 4th Step inventory, I became very clear about my part.  I realized I was not a victim of the circumstances.  I took full responsibility for my actions, cleaned house (sound familiar), trusted God and kept going to my morning meetings.

Fast forward to my 9-month cardiac check up.  The doctor sat me down and said the following: “ In my 28 years of being a cardiologist, I’ve never seen this.  Not only do you not need a new heart, you no longer need your pacemaker.  And quite frankly, I’ve never taken one out!”

Well, to the point, I did end up healing my heart.  But I am under no illusion.  I believe just like with recovery from alcoholism, it is a daily reprieve, based on my spiritual condition.  I must continue to clean house, trust God and help others.

What an amazing and powerful program we have.  It truly is a way of life.  For Real!

Love, Joe : )

Oh the holidays. “Festivus for the rest of us” stems from the show “Seinfeld”. George’s dad explains one Festivus tradition as “After Christmas dinner you gather all the family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!” Oh, how my family loves doing that, only it’s not just the past year, it’s everything you have ever done wrong since the day you where born.  I’m sure if your like me, you like to remind yourself of every way you have disappointed everyone you know in the past year.

Character defects and asking the God of our understanding to remove them are a big part of our sobriety and step work. I my self viewed my family as one big character defect, my Higher Power as not removed them. Of course, my Higher Power and I seem to have different ideas about what my character defects are and are not. Its a good thing. When I did my first 6th step and tried SO hard to be willing and ready to give up all my short comings I beat my self up pretty hard. At the same time, I realized that I seemed to be just as hard on the people in my life as I was on me. We are all human, everyone of us, and being imperfect is a part of it. Drinking always seemed to fool me into thinking that all my problems where not me; I was a victim. It was not my fault they do not understand me, I’m awesome. They are the jerks. Once I started to gain a little more sobriety and clarity through working this program, I realized I was not perfect, and I could not expect the people in my life to be perfect either. I could let go of my defects, but that also meant letting go of theirs as well. Spending any amount of time with them without drinking my self blind drunk and finding the purse that I’d puked the next day depended on it! So here it is, your guide to character defects, brought to you by someone wrought with them…but ok with it and letting them go one defect at a time.

Yep, you screwed up. A bunch. the secret is, look at it, own it and knock it off. People will bring it up. Over and over again. You do not have to react, because you know you are not that person anymore. Smile nod and accept. If you show that you let it go, they will too because they are not getting the reaction they anticipated. With that…oh my gosh! you have changed!

Everyone has them. Alcoholic or not. I’ve been told, I don’t know how many times “ The things people do that bug you the most are the same things you do.” This as been told to me by people with far more time in the program than me.  Yeah right. I do not leave my car blinker on for six straight blocks while driving 25 miles and hour in a 40 mile and hour area, only to turn right instead. Then of course a few days later there I am, radio turned up singing my heart out and I look down. Crap: blinkers be going for the last ten minutes. Whoops. So I have learned that if I want the right to be mad at someone for leaving the blinker on, I better make sure its because its something I’ve never done. This has given me the ability to notice my own behavior and defects of character and not only forgive and correct my self, but give the same treatment to others.  Disappointments are going to happen throughout life.

It’s up to you how you choose to let them go.

-Jill F.

When most people hear Chapter 11, they think of bankruptcy. According to bankruptcy law, filing a Chapter 11 bankruptcy puts an “automatic stay” on the actions of creditors. That stay provides a person or company with a new chance to prioritize their responsibilities and move forward. Chapter 11 in the Big Book, A Vision for You, provides a summary of a remarkably similar plan of action in the lives of alcoholics.

“For most normal folks, drinking means…release from care, boredom, and worry… But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking…As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settle down”

Before I sobered up for good, I had spent almost ten years in and out of the program.  Each time I drank again, I felt more and more isolated. Shame and guilt kept me from reaching out to my friends in recovery. My wife had long since disallowed me to drink at home, so I had to drink by myself in secret. Every day was shrouded in that chilling vapor. As I approached the jumping off place, I slowly shrugged off every connection I had to humanity. Every failed attempt at turning my life around weighed on me like a backpack full of stones. And when I finally reached the end, I found that I no longer wanted to live, but didn’t have the spiritual energy to end it all. I wasn’t actively suicidal, but I wouldn’t have minded an errant bus hitting me, either. So I did what I knew how to do; I turned back to Alcoholics Anonymous. When I did, I noticed a remarkable thing: I was experiencing meetings like it was brand new to me.

We go to these meetings and people seem normal. They smile, and laugh, and they look good. They have jobs, and cars, and houses; and we think, “I am not like these people.” Then they start telling their stories: tragic and horrifying stories — awful stories — stories like ours. And maybe someone gets up and tells a story of driving drunk. And they get pulled over. And the officer comes up to their car. The officer can see they’ve been drinking and tells them to step out of the car. But when they get out, they are too drunk, so they fall onto the ground at the officer’s feet… and then they throw up on the officer’s shoes.

For some strange reason, this story of humiliation strikes everybody as HILARIOUS. And they laugh. At horrible things like this, they laugh. And when somebody does an everyday thing like get insurance for their car or get their driver’s license, they applaud. And at first we don’t get it. We think, “What are these people laughing at? Why, exactly, are they clapping?” Then one day somebody gets up and tells our story. Some of the details are different, but it’s our story. They talk about missing births and disappointing their family. They talk about the pain and the loneliness. And we realize that we aren’t alone. These people, we think, have been where I have been. And it slowly dawns on us that these people seem normal. They are happy. They have been in the darkness that we are in and have found a way out. And if they have found a way out, they can show us the way out. And for the first time in months, if not years, we have hope. We are not alone, and hope is suddenly not lost. And so we keep coming back… I kept coming back.

“there is a substitute…It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous”

In the 2 years since I’ve come back, I’ve been reminded how important the fellowship is in my recovery. Of course working the 12 steps, the program, is imperative; but having friends to trudge the road with is also vital. They keep the loneliness at bay, and help me stay on the beam. Through their example, I learn how to register my car, pay my bills, and walk through life with dignity. Shame and isolation prevents action. Knowing I’m not alone gives me incentive and motivation to act towards a better life.  The fellowship literally puts an “automatic stay” on the shame and fear to act, because I realize I’m not alone. Chapter 11 reminds me that, through spiritual bankruptcy, I am given a chance to live a life worth living; to be a man of substance. And for that, I am endlessly grateful.

-Troy M.

…So my concept of a Higher Power is probably much like that of others but I simply see mine a little differently.  My Higher Power simply supplies me with things. All kinds of things! They aren’t necessarily good nor are they bad.  They are just things.  Some things I like and some things I don’t like.  What I do about all those things, good or bad, whether I approve or disapprove, and how I conduct myself on a daily basis with regard to those things, is the connection I have to my HP and it is done through the practice of spirituality.

So what is Spirituality for me? Well, it is an inner path, which enables me to discover the essence of my being. Spirituality is not only discovering who I am, but also who I want to be.  It is nurturing my thoughts, emotions, words, and actions that are in harmony with my belief that the entire universe is, in some way connected.

It includes deep principles of love, caring, moral values, as well as kindness and consideration of my fellows.  It also carries with it life without prejudice.  It is a practice that includes meditation, prayer, and contemplation, and is intended to develop my inner life.  Spirituality is my connection to my Higher Power whether it is rooted in religion, nature, or some kind of unknown essence.

The challenge of being a spiritual person as I have described it is at best overwhelming for me.  Am I doing it perfectly?  Heck no, not necessarily, but it is a worthwhile goal toward which I need to endure and strive for in order to live a peaceful and serene life.

In conclusion, having a Higher Power in my life helps me to better understand, appreciate, and accept the steps… especially steps two, three and eleven.  I am now able to accept and understand that circumstance, situations, conditions, state of affairs, environment, and surroundings, has everything to do with my Higher Power and very little to do with me.  Today I use the key of willingness as pointed out in step three to accept and move toward a faith that works.

Today I can say beyond doubt and unequivocally, that daily living for me is much easier and more fulfilling now that I truly have a Higher Power in my life.   And most importantly to have a better understanding how my life fits within that Higher Power.

-Alan L.

To most of us, Alcoholics Anonymous has become as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar. We like to believe that it will soon be as well known and just as enduring as that historic landmark. We enjoy this pleasant conviction because nothing has yet occurred to disturb it; we reason that we must hang together or die. Hence we take for granted our continued unity as a movement.

But should we? Though God has bestowed upon us great favors, and though we are bound by stronger ties of love and necessity than most societies, is it prudent to suppose that automatically these great gifts and attributes shall be ours forever. If we are worthy, we shall probably continue to enjoy them. So the real question is, how shall we always be worthy of our present blessings?

Seen from this point of view, our A.A. Traditions are those attitudes and practices by which we may  deserve, as a movement, a long life and a useful one. To this end, none could be more vital than our 10th Tradition, for it deals with the subject of controversy — serious controversy.

On the other side of the world, millions have not long since died in religious dissension. Other millions have died in political controversy. The end is not yet. Nearly everybody in the world has turned reformer. Each group, society and nation is saying to the other, “You must do as we say, or else”. Political controversy and reform by compulsion has reached an all-time high. And eternal, seemingly, are the flames of religious dissension.

Being like other men and women, how can we expect to remain forever immune from these perils? Probably we shall not. At length, we must meet them all. We cannot flee from them, nor ought we try. If these challenges do come, we shall, I am sure, go out to meet them gladly and unafraid. That will be the acid test of our worth.

Our best defense? This surely lies in the formation of a Tradition respecting serious controversy so powerful that neither the weakness of persons nor the strain and strife of our troubled times can harm Alcoholics Anonymous. We know that A.A. must continue to live, or else many of us and many of our brother alcoholics throughout the world will surely resume the hopeless journey to oblivion. That must never be.

As though by some deep and compelling instinct we have thus far avoided serious controversies. Save minor and healthy growing pains, we are at peace among ourselves. And because we have thus far adhered to our sole aim, the whole world regards us favorably.

May God grant us the wisdom and fortitude ever to sustain an unbreakable unity.

Bill W.

From: Grapevine©, September 1948

How anyone can possibly stay married without practicing Step 10 is beyond me. My husband is also in recovery and we often go to our corners fixed on holding out to the death. We are like two rams from the Nature channel.  We butt our curled horns together and when our fight is exhausted, we squat on our respective stools with arms folded tight across chests. I don’t know about him, but I am resolutely waiting there until he admits to being utterly ludicrous, and upside-down in his priorities. I feel as tight and immobile as a puffer fish.  I am stuffed with righteous indignation, and it is very uncomfortable. Ironic that I am using so many animal references, but the reason is because I am speaking about instincts.

In the 12X12 Bill talks a lot about instincts. Our instincts are intended to serve us. They are meant to give us an intuitive response to certain stimuli. In alcoholics these instincts – fueled by fear – slam us straight into brick walls. He says when a man becomes a battle ground for the instincts, he can find no peace. He also says that sick alcoholics are incapable of forming a true partnership with another person. They always need to dominate people or cower beneath them. However, with the help of a higher power, we can experience a different reaction to life and to the people we love.

I know it is time for Step 10 when anger, fear or judgment fills my chest with heat. I use it when I need it, not at prescribed times of morning and night. I practice looking inward when I am about to shut-down, give up or say something I will regret. In the beginning, the best way to step back was simply going for a walk. It gave me just enough time and space to say a short prayer. Usually that prayer was something like this:

“Whatever Grace has brought me this far…please take this away.  I know this emotion is no one else’s fault.  This rage has been with me as long as I can remember, and it always defeats me.  I can’t do this alone.  Please help me.  I don’t know what to do.”

Now, when my husband tells me to put on my seatbelt, and I want to jump from the moving vehicle because he just insulted my autonomy,  I pause.  I pray.  I recognize that I am simply afraid he does not respect me because he is telling me what to do.  The problem is not his direction to put on my seatbelt.  It is my fear of what his statement means.  So I ask Grace to sit with me while I let the wave pass.  I ask for my fear to be removed, and my attention turned to what a higher power would have me be in that moment.  Would it have me punish my partner and pout in silence? Probably not. However I can ask to be softened and for the ability to tell the truth.  When I am ready I say,

“Can you ask me instead of tell me?  I feel  afraid you don’t respect me when you tell me.”

To which he responds with a smile to let me know I am being both ridiculous and cute,

“Sure.  Sarah, will you please put on your seatbelt?”

“Yes.  Of course I will.”

Problem solved.  We don’t have to get divorced.  Thank you Grace.

-Sarah K.