Author: webservant

…So my concept of a Higher Power is probably much like that of others but I simply see mine a little differently.  My Higher Power simply supplies me with things. All kinds of things! They aren’t necessarily good nor are they bad.  They are just things.  Some things I like and some things I don’t like.  What I do about all those things, good or bad, whether I approve or disapprove, and how I conduct myself on a daily basis with regard to those things, is the connection I have to my HP and it is done through the practice of spirituality.

So what is Spirituality for me? Well, it is an inner path, which enables me to discover the essence of my being. Spirituality is not only discovering who I am, but also who I want to be.  It is nurturing my thoughts, emotions, words, and actions that are in harmony with my belief that the entire universe is, in some way connected.

It includes deep principles of love, caring, moral values, as well as kindness and consideration of my fellows.  It also carries with it life without prejudice.  It is a practice that includes meditation, prayer, and contemplation, and is intended to develop my inner life.  Spirituality is my connection to my Higher Power whether it is rooted in religion, nature, or some kind of unknown essence.

The challenge of being a spiritual person as I have described it is at best overwhelming for me.  Am I doing it perfectly?  Heck no, not necessarily, but it is a worthwhile goal toward which I need to endure and strive for in order to live a peaceful and serene life.

In conclusion, having a Higher Power in my life helps me to better understand, appreciate, and accept the steps… especially steps two, three and eleven.  I am now able to accept and understand that circumstance, situations, conditions, state of affairs, environment, and surroundings, has everything to do with my Higher Power and very little to do with me.  Today I use the key of willingness as pointed out in step three to accept and move toward a faith that works.

Today I can say beyond doubt and unequivocally, that daily living for me is much easier and more fulfilling now that I truly have a Higher Power in my life.   And most importantly to have a better understanding how my life fits within that Higher Power.

-Alan L.

To most of us, Alcoholics Anonymous has become as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar. We like to believe that it will soon be as well known and just as enduring as that historic landmark. We enjoy this pleasant conviction because nothing has yet occurred to disturb it; we reason that we must hang together or die. Hence we take for granted our continued unity as a movement.

But should we? Though God has bestowed upon us great favors, and though we are bound by stronger ties of love and necessity than most societies, is it prudent to suppose that automatically these great gifts and attributes shall be ours forever. If we are worthy, we shall probably continue to enjoy them. So the real question is, how shall we always be worthy of our present blessings?

Seen from this point of view, our A.A. Traditions are those attitudes and practices by which we may  deserve, as a movement, a long life and a useful one. To this end, none could be more vital than our 10th Tradition, for it deals with the subject of controversy — serious controversy.

On the other side of the world, millions have not long since died in religious dissension. Other millions have died in political controversy. The end is not yet. Nearly everybody in the world has turned reformer. Each group, society and nation is saying to the other, “You must do as we say, or else”. Political controversy and reform by compulsion has reached an all-time high. And eternal, seemingly, are the flames of religious dissension.

Being like other men and women, how can we expect to remain forever immune from these perils? Probably we shall not. At length, we must meet them all. We cannot flee from them, nor ought we try. If these challenges do come, we shall, I am sure, go out to meet them gladly and unafraid. That will be the acid test of our worth.

Our best defense? This surely lies in the formation of a Tradition respecting serious controversy so powerful that neither the weakness of persons nor the strain and strife of our troubled times can harm Alcoholics Anonymous. We know that A.A. must continue to live, or else many of us and many of our brother alcoholics throughout the world will surely resume the hopeless journey to oblivion. That must never be.

As though by some deep and compelling instinct we have thus far avoided serious controversies. Save minor and healthy growing pains, we are at peace among ourselves. And because we have thus far adhered to our sole aim, the whole world regards us favorably.

May God grant us the wisdom and fortitude ever to sustain an unbreakable unity.

Bill W.

From: Grapevine©, September 1948

How anyone can possibly stay married without practicing Step 10 is beyond me. My husband is also in recovery and we often go to our corners fixed on holding out to the death. We are like two rams from the Nature channel.  We butt our curled horns together and when our fight is exhausted, we squat on our respective stools with arms folded tight across chests. I don’t know about him, but I am resolutely waiting there until he admits to being utterly ludicrous, and upside-down in his priorities. I feel as tight and immobile as a puffer fish.  I am stuffed with righteous indignation, and it is very uncomfortable. Ironic that I am using so many animal references, but the reason is because I am speaking about instincts.

In the 12X12 Bill talks a lot about instincts. Our instincts are intended to serve us. They are meant to give us an intuitive response to certain stimuli. In alcoholics these instincts – fueled by fear – slam us straight into brick walls. He says when a man becomes a battle ground for the instincts, he can find no peace. He also says that sick alcoholics are incapable of forming a true partnership with another person. They always need to dominate people or cower beneath them. However, with the help of a higher power, we can experience a different reaction to life and to the people we love.

I know it is time for Step 10 when anger, fear or judgment fills my chest with heat. I use it when I need it, not at prescribed times of morning and night. I practice looking inward when I am about to shut-down, give up or say something I will regret. In the beginning, the best way to step back was simply going for a walk. It gave me just enough time and space to say a short prayer. Usually that prayer was something like this:

“Whatever Grace has brought me this far…please take this away.  I know this emotion is no one else’s fault.  This rage has been with me as long as I can remember, and it always defeats me.  I can’t do this alone.  Please help me.  I don’t know what to do.”

Now, when my husband tells me to put on my seatbelt, and I want to jump from the moving vehicle because he just insulted my autonomy,  I pause.  I pray.  I recognize that I am simply afraid he does not respect me because he is telling me what to do.  The problem is not his direction to put on my seatbelt.  It is my fear of what his statement means.  So I ask Grace to sit with me while I let the wave pass.  I ask for my fear to be removed, and my attention turned to what a higher power would have me be in that moment.  Would it have me punish my partner and pout in silence? Probably not. However I can ask to be softened and for the ability to tell the truth.  When I am ready I say,

“Can you ask me instead of tell me?  I feel  afraid you don’t respect me when you tell me.”

To which he responds with a smile to let me know I am being both ridiculous and cute,

“Sure.  Sarah, will you please put on your seatbelt?”

“Yes.  Of course I will.”

Problem solved.  We don’t have to get divorced.  Thank you Grace.

-Sarah K.

MY SEARCH  FOR HIGHER POWER AND SPIRITUALITY (2/3)

By: Alan L.

…Eventually, thanks to the power of the Hubble Telescope and science, I was able to make progress, finally, toward obtaining my own concept of a Higher Power.

There are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the universe, the nearest of which is the Andromeda Galaxy, whose light has traveled 2 million years to reach us.  The deep field Hubble telescope was aimed at a small portion of sky near the Big Dipper and collected light for ten days.  It was able to collect light from over 3000 galaxies, light that had traveled for over 10 billion years to reach us.  Each galaxy contained hundreds of billions of stars.  Subsequently, Hubble was pointed to another portion of sky near the constellation Orion.  This time the shutter was opened for 11 days and 400 orbits around the earth.  Over 10,000 galaxies were discovered. While these galaxies appear to be standing absolutely still, they are actually racing away from us, in some cases faster than the speed of light.  The Hubble only looked in two directions for all that information.  There are hundreds of billion’s galaxies in the universe, and my brain has no way to accurately put this in any meaningful perspective.

Further, when I consider that light travels at over 186,000 miles per second and that the light from galaxies has traveled over 13 billion years or more to reach us, the thoughts are so overwhelming that my mind simply goes blank trying to understand.  The only thing left for me is to accept that somewhere in the grand scheme of things; there most likely is a Power that has all control and that it most likely could be the Universe itself.  I don’t know!  That concept is easier for me to understand when I realize that this entire planet we live on, and probably our whole solar system, is much less than a pixel of light in the totality of the universe around us.  Therefore, I refer to my Higher Power today as the Totality of the Universe, or the Spirit of the Universe, if you will… In short I call it my HP!  And I have no problem calling it God.

When I shared this concept with one of my sponsors, he pointed out the possibility of turning the Hubble Telescope around in order to look into the space within myself.  To pose a question and ask; what is inside of me in terms of information, energy, talent, and knowledge that I have not yet discovered?  Like the galaxies that the Hubble showed me I did not know, turned inward, it can do the same thing, which brings me to a slightly different question.  How much more about myself is there yet to discover?

By looking inward I may discover that God or HP is not so far fetched or far away after all.  It is pointed out on page 55 of the Big Book that deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God.  It says that God is a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend, knowing that he was there, and was as much a fact as we were, and that we can find that Great Reality, deep down within us.

So maybe, just maybe, that untapped potential that lies within us will help us get better connected with ourselves.  Through that enhanced experience of our inner connection, we can discover how valuable we are, and think of connecting the best of who we are with the best in others, just as one alcoholic connects with another.  Was the connection of Bill and Bob in fact, the work of a Higher Power?  Is the connection between you and I the same thing?

To be continued…

Riding a motorcycle was something I never thought of. At 5 years sober, I met a guy in the rooms of AA, and after a long motorcycle ride on the back on his bike in April 2002, I knew I had to learn how to ride. Not only had I fallen in love with him (and married him), I fell in love with riding! I took the Riders Edge course through the Harley Davidson Shop in Salt Lake, got my first bike, and began to ride. By the time the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally rolled around, I had a few hours under my belt, so off we roared on an adventure of a lifetime. At first I was scared, thinking about 500,000 bikes and me in the Black Hills of Sturgis, South Dakota, but my guy assured me I was ready.

We rode 625 miles from Park City to Sturgis, and as we got closer to Sturgis, the energy started to build. It was so exciting as more and more bikes joined us along the way.

When we arrived, the streets were lined with bikes and bikers, venders, and all sorts of people. The roar of all those bikes can be a bit overwhelming at first, but I loved the feeling and the thrill of being with that many people and being a part of the largest biker party on earth! Still, not for one minute did I forget that I’m an alcoholic in recovery. I knew that meetings were going to be a big part of our Sturgis experience, but I didn’t realize that right in the middle of it all was The Serenity Clubhouse. My guy and I dropped into a meeting to get some Serenity. You could truly feel the peace as we walked through the door. I began to relax the moment I heard them start reading “How It Works.” You see, meetings during an event like this don’t only insure that I’m not going to drink but also insure that I’m going to have an amazing time! To be connected to my people is being connected to my spirit! It is the air I breathe, it is what lights me up! It is truly one of the greatest parts of Sturgis. I found that people who go to meetings while in Sturgis often have long-term sobriety, and the meetings in Sturgis just ROCK!!

I recently attended my 13th Sturgis Rally. Best Sturgis ever! They keep getting better and better as I grow in my sobriety. I’m a daily meeting goer and when in Sturgis I don’t take a vacation from AA. We’ve met lifelong riding buddies, and we see        familiar faces in the clubhouse each year. There are two meeting halls in Sturgis with meetings all day and into the night. WHAT A PARTY! Just because I gave up drinking doesn’t mean I’ve given up having fun. I truly have more fun now than I ever had in my whole drinking career. Riding all day, my husband on his bike and me on mine, through the Black Hills where the roads were made for motorcycles, eating great food, checking out all the venders, going to meetings—it’s all more fun than any one human being should be able to have. Thank God for AA, which allows me to go anywhere and have a GREAT time.

Laurie C.

Park City UT

My first Sturgis trip was a follow-up to the annual AA Serenity Run in Cedaredge, Colorado, in 1992. I had met a man there who was heading to Sturgis following the Serenity Run, so I asked to join him. That part was easy. But as I rode the 640 miles from Cedaredge to Sturgis, South Dakota, I started to become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. It had been conveyed to me by my fellow AA brothers that I had to be very careful and cautious during bike week in Sturgis—it could be very dangerous. Well, after hearing those messages and having the wonderful pleasure of riding 640 miles, you can imagine what I was thinking.
After a long ride beset with fear, I arrived about 12:00 pm and landed almost on the doorstep of the Sturgis Serenity Club House on the main drag. As we all know, there are no coincidences. I immediately went in and retrieved the meeting schedule for bike week. To my surprise, meetings were held every three hours. That was my first day of my first Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.
This year marked my 22nd Sturgis Rally, and I have become very comfortable with my sober experience over the years. I have met and created many long-term sober friendships with sober riders. I discovered in the meetings at Sturgis that the bikers I was so afraid of ere just like me—garden variety drunks who had to do the same things that I do to stay sober.
Today, my wife, who is sober and rides, and I go to meetings every day and share our experience strength and hope with other alcoholics. But we also love to ride through the Black Hills, which for us is an extremely spiritual experience—which means Sturgis has become a very important part of our program, rejuvenating our spiritual connection each year.
If you’re new to AA and like to ride but are afraid to go to Sturgis, I would encourage you to take the risk. It is safe if you take your AA program with you and, if you do, I know you will have the same experience that I did. So keep the rubber down and Happy Trails!

Gordo C.

MY SEARCH  FOR HIGHER POWER AND SPIRITUALITY

By: Alan L.

I have searched all my life for my place in the universe with regard to God and religion.  I gave up on religion many years ago because I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy I witnessed from those who practiced most religions.  I still continued my search for belief in God because I simply couldn’t understand why it seemed I was the only person who could not believe or understand in the concept of God.  As it turns out I am not.

The image I have of God is that of a supreme master who is in some sort of human form and manipulates the earth and all its living and non-living things as a puppeteer would.  God is referred to as Father or Lord and by the pronoun He and sometimes She. This God is very powerful and a lot like us with emotions.  He can be angry, loving, or jealous.

The AA program and Alcoholics Anonymous places a huge importance on the fact that in order to recover from alcoholism one needs to include God, or God of their understanding, a spiritual experience, or a Higher Power in their program of recovery. My desire to remove my self from the dark depths of alcoholism, to which I had plunged, was overwhelming.  I was truly ready to go to any lengths including believing in my feeble conception of a higher Power.  Had it not been for AA’s teachings, I would have given up the God concept long ago.

On page 12 of the Big Book, it asks: “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?”  I have always had a huge problem accepting the intangible that most people referred to as God.  To my knowledge, no one has ever seen God, some have said they heard God, and then there were others who said they had spoken with God.   To me, listening to them was like hunting for Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster.  All three were equally far fetched as far as I was concerned.  However, I continued to feel pressure for the need to have a Higher Power in my life, so I chose the doorknob in my room during treatment and subsequently changed it to the chair because I thought it would be more plausible.  Both were equally ridiculous to me, but at least I had a Higher Power, even if I really didn’t believe in it. The main thing is the fact I was able to acknowledge that I knew I was not God.  But I also felt there was the possibility that somewhere out in the great universe there just might be something that fits the bill.  However, the void still remained within me

So in spite of my skeptical thoughts, I was able to remain sober for well over thirty years.  I proved to myself that one could stay sober without a belief in God, but it just didn’t seem right to have a door knob, or a chair as a Higher Power, so my search continued for something that was conceivable and made more sense.

I read, asked questions and shared my thoughts and frustrations at meetings, but could never come up with the answers I needed. To my surprise, the more I shared my reservations, the more I found people who had the same thoughts, feelings, and doubts about the God concept as I had. This didn’t do much for helping me find the answers I needed but it did give me the confidence to continue my search.  Most importantly, it also gave me the comforting feeling that I wasn’t alone.

How many times have I read something in the Big Book and on the last reading it was as if I have never seen it before?  On page 46 there is an example. It says we need not consider another’s conception of God.  Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient and as soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence or Spirit of the Universe, we would have the support of a new power. Somehow I managed to grasp that power and I believe it is with that power that I have been able to continue my search for the answers I needed.

To be continued…(part 1 of 3)

An alcoholic reading through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time might be tempted to skip over Chapter 8 since it is titled “To Wives” but on further examination, will find that it was actually written by Bill W.  Skipping this chapter for any reason would be a serious oversight and one that might hinder, rather than help, the soon-to-be-recovering alcoholic.

Why would that be the case?  One constant among alcoholics is the tendency to believe that their problem, even after they admit there is one, is theirs and not anyone else’s.  Unfortunately this is not completely true.  As Chapter 8 points out, “…for every man who drinks others are involved—the wife who trembles in fear of the next  debauch, the mother and father who see their son wasting away.” (p. 104) This does not even include the children, friends, coworkers, neighbors, community members, doctors, police officers and others who are also suffering in some way from the effects of someone else’s drinking.  Chapter 8 can be helpful in revealing the impact someone else’s drinking can have and every alcoholic needs to be aware, in the process of recovery, that they are not the only ones affected.

What, then, should these other people do?  “To Wives” suggests many changes in the non-drinking person affected, but most of them boil down to not trying to solve another person’s drinking problems for them, since this will never work and may cause resentment from the alcoholic who sees other people “interfering” in his or her problem.

The ultimate solution is a spiritual awakening for these other people, use of the 12 Steps for themselves, and realization that they are dealing with someone who is seriously ill with a condition which may very well kill them if not controlled.  Chapter 8 suggests, in fact, that the non-drinking spouse or other remember “He (the alcoholic) is just another sick, unreasonable person.  Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia.”  (p. 108)

That this is a difficult thing to do is obvious from the content of Chapter 8.  These women have suffered along with their drinking spouse, have become angry, resentful, frightened, and desperate, just as the alcoholic has!  They may have made multiple attempts to control the disease for the drinker, may have enlisted others in the fight, even divorced or separated from the alcoholic, only to find that even extreme measures have not cured the problem.

Reason:  it is NOT their problem.  Only the alcoholic, with the aid of a Higher Power and the strength of Alcoholics Anonymous, can find the solution.  The affected others can only see to their own spiritual health, follow the precepts of the 12 Steps themselves, “Let go and let God” take care of the problem drinker and, perhaps, as is suggested on page 121, find an Al-Anon group of their own to support them through the struggle.

—Sandra D.