Author: webservant

Love is the answer, now what was the question?!!

On May 31, 2015, I met a man for coffee at Starbucks that I had met on-line.  Yes, on-line dating!  At my age?  What?  Well, why not?!!  I had just re-entered my Utah lifeon May 1st from living in California for a project the past year, commuting back and forth as I have for so many years.

That coffee date lasted for 2 1/2 hours. I listened to him tell me about his life. I had convinced myself to tell him about myself, and my sobriety. I was a little scared at first, and thought it would be a “deal breaker”.  The time flew by, and we were both surprised how long we had been there. We agreed to call and go out again.

Skeptical at first, I went home thinking that may not happen, but there was something about him that was different.  He texted later, called, we made a lunch date two days later, laughed and talked some more.  We continued to have lunch, dinner, take long rides and stop for sushi or BBQ or whatever we wanted to, kissed goodnight and made plans to meet for breakfast.  We held hands, we talked about our lives, we enjoyed the music, and the era we grew up in, our childhoods. We were thoughtful with each other.  We had fun!  We started cooking together, making green smoothies in the morning and swimming before work.  He was pleasantly surprised about my zest for swimming to stay active with my knee recuperation, and didn’t let on that he was a PRO until we were swimming with my grandsons much later on!!

I began to trust him and feel comfortable sharing my life, my heart and my space. He is a committed, selective, thoughtful, compassionate, strong and funny man.  He didn’t want a fly by night relationship.  He is present, has direct eye contact, and believes in connection with one other person.   He has attended many AA meetings with me and has fun with our friends.

On New Year’s Eve he asked me to marry him at the stroke of midnight, and of course I said “yes”, and I’m so excited!  We have met each other’s families and our kids have given their blessing!

I’m so grateful to God and my sobriety to be experiencing this at this time of my life.  I have become softer, and more loving to those around me.  I feel loved and cared for.  It was worth every single minute of whatever it was that brought us here; for our life experiences, for the tears and joy of a lifetime.

—Rebecca R

Home Groups – That Sufficient Substitute by Pete G.

On page 166 of the 75th Anniversary Reprint of the First Edition, our wonderful pioneers wrote of a sufficient substitute.  That substitute is the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I have come to understand that being a Home Group Member and participating in Home Group activities is precisely what they were referring to as a suitable substitute.

I do not believe we can talk about Home Groups enough.  On pages 166 and 167 of the 75th Anniversary Reprint of the First Edition, we are told of how and where to find these future friends and what to expect of them.  We find these ‘future fellows’ in our own community which is where the Home Group is totally effective.  Sobriety begins at the Home Group level.

The Big Book goes on to describe what to expect from a Home Group.  It promises that it is here that you will make lifelong friends, being bound to them with new and wonderful ties.  To have friends by which you escape disaster and trudge shoulder to shoulder on your common journey is a Promise fulfilled as a Home Group member.

My first Home Group was a humble group of alcoholics that gathered nightly in an isolated community.  There were literally one hundred or more bars, liquor stores, grocery stores and convenience stores between this group and the next closest meeting. The question whether to become a part of this common solution or try to face my alcoholism alone really was not that much of a decision. The Home Group is where I found strength to face my alcoholism began

The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not so much in the dry parchment of the thousands of pages of AA literature. That is simply a written reference.  My experience suggests that the Program that saved my life and made it worthwhile is alive in the members of a Home Group.

Each member invests themselves into and makes a draw from the group- much like a cell simultaneously supports and is supported by the host in which it is attached to.  Books, pamphlets or E-readers have never cried or laughed – especially in the same breath.  An hour of honesty and compassion can be exponentially more persistent and durable than an hour of

Home Groups provide living, breathing, crying, cursing, laughing, shouting, caring and humble examples of sober living.  Through the process of communion with others, the ‘suggestions’ become habits.  Like ancient languages, many vital principals simply never make it to printed form – being passed on through generations of alcoholics by word of mouth and example.

One of our most effective methods of teaching and helping other alcoholics involves living examples and sound guidance.  Home Groups provide guidance and examples to instill the Principles. Guidance on 13th Stepping  is followed up with supplying the newcomer with a contact list of suitable members who will not take advantage of them.  Guidance on Anonymity is reinforced by the examples of the Home Group members both inside and outside of the meeting rooms.  Guidance on Sober Living is reinforced with the example of service to others.

Guidance on Respect for others is reinforced by the example of turning off your cell phone.  Guidance on Supporting AA as a whole is reinforced by the example of purchasing AA literature with 7th Tradition contributions.  Guidance on Change is reinforced by the examples of Informed Group Consciences, Substantial Unanimity and Minority Appeal.

Just like becoming a member of AA, you are a Home Group Member if you say you are and begin to be of service to your Home Group.  Be a greeter, make the coffee, chair a meeting, clean up the meeting room and give of yourself so that others may live.

To adapt a common parable …’ Give an alcoholic a Big Book and keep them sober for an hour.  Teach them to live sober and they will be sober for a lifetime … and pass it on to others.’

Our Greatest Danger: Rigidity by Bob P.

This is my 18th General Service Conference — the first two as a director of the Grapevine and A.A.W.S., followed by four as a general service trustee. In 1972, I rotated out completely, only to be called back two years later as general manager of G.S.O., the service job I held until late 1984. Since the 1985 International Convention, of course, I have been senior adviser. This is also my last Conference, so this is an emotionally charged experience. I wish I had time to express my thanks to everyone to whom I am indebted for my sobriety and for the joyous life with which I have been blessed for the past nearly 25 years. But since this is obviously impossible, I will fall back on the Arab saying that Bill quoted in his last message, “I thank you for your lives.” For without your lives, I most certainly would have no life at all, much less the incredibly rich life I have enjoyed.

Let me offer my thoughts about A.A.’s future. I have no truck with those bleeding deacons who decry every change and view the state of the Fellowship with pessimism and alarm. On the contrary, from my nearly quarter-century’s perspective, I see A.A. as larger, healthier, more dynamic, faster growing, more global, more service-minded, more back-to-basics, and more spiritual — by far — than when I came through the doors of my first meeting in Greenwich, Connecticut, just one year after the famous [July 1960] Long Beach Convention. A.A. has flourished beyond the wildest dreams of founding members, though perhaps not of Bill himself, for he was truly visionary.

I echo those who feel that if this Fellowship ever falters or fails, it will not be because of any outside cause. No, it will not be because of treatment centers or professionals in the field, or non-Conference-approved literature, or young people, or the dually-addicted, or even the “druggies” trying to come to our closed meetings. If we stick close to our Traditions, Concepts, and Warranties, and if we keep an open mind and an open heart, we can deal with these and any other problems that we have or ever will have. If we ever falter and fail, it will be simply because of us. It will be because we can’t control our own egos or get along well enough with each other. It will be because we have too much fear and rigidity and not enough trust and common sense.

If you were to ask me what is the greatest danger facing A.A. today, I would have to answer: the growing rigidity — the increasing demand for absolute answers to nit-picking questions; pressure for G.S.O. to “enforce” our Traditions; screening alcoholics at closed meetings; prohibiting non-Conference-approved literature, i.e., “banning books”; laying more and more rules on groups and members. And in this trend toward rigidity, we are drifting farther and farther away from our co- founders. Bill, in particular, must be spinning in his grave, for he was perhaps the most permissive person I ever met. One of his favorite sayings was, “Every group has the right to be wrong.” He was maddeningly tolerant of his critics, and he had absolute faith that faults in A.A. were self-correcting And I believe this, too, so in the final analysis we’re not going to fall apart. We won’t falter or fail.

At the 1970 International Convention in Miami , I was in the audience on that Sunday morning when Bill made his brief last public appearance. He was too ill to take his scheduled part in any other convention event, but now, unannounced, on Sunday morning, he was wheeled up from the back of the stage in a wheelchair, attached with tubes to an oxygen tank. Wearing a ridiculous bright-orange, host committee blazer, he heaved his angular body to his feet and grasped the podium — and all pandemonium broke loose. I thought the thunderous applause and cheering would never stop, tears streaming down every cheek. Finally, in a firm voice, like his old self, Bill spoke a few gracious sentences about the huge crowd, the outpouring of love, and the many overseas members there, ending (as I remember) with these words:

“As I look over this crowd, I know that Alcoholics Anonymous will live a thousand years — if it is God’s will.”

Bob Pearson (1917-2008) was General Manager of the General Service Office from 1974 to 1984, and then served as Senior Advisor to the G.S.O. from 1985 until his retirement. His story is in the Big Book as “AA Taught Him to Handle Sobriety,” 3rd edit. (1976) pp. 554-561, 4th edit. (2001) pp. 553-559. During the 1986 General Service Conference, Bob gave a powerful and inspiring closing talk to the conference at the closing brunch on Saturday morning, April 26. It was an especially significant occasion, because he knew that he was going to retire early the next year, and that this would be his last General Service Conference. This excerpt was taken from that farewell speech, as published in the Conference’s final report:  The Thirty-Sixth Annual Meeting of the General Service Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous 1986 (Roosevelt Hotel, New York City, April 20-26, 1986), Final Report.

Soon you’ll be back out there in the real world again. You’ll find it’s the same old world with the same old problems.

No matter where you live, you’ll still have your full share of those problems. Plus the one problem that can make all the others seem a lot bigger than they really are.

You’re not the only one who has come face to face with a drinking problem. There are about 2,000,000 of us who are not alone anymore.

Back in 1935, two men saw that alcohol had ruined their lives. They knew it would kill them if they didn’t stop drinking it. They wanted to stop, but couldn’t do it alone.

Their families and friends and doctors couldn’t do it for them. There was no personal loss or calamity big enough, no threat, treatment, or cure strong enough to make either of them stop drinking. Willpower didn’t work, either. The countless and sincere promises they had made to themselves were broken over and over again—over that first drink.

Each of the two men had been diagnosed as hopeless alcoholics. Worse yet, they saw themselves as hopeless. Until they saw each other.

By strange coincidence, they met and began to share their common experience with alcohol. They found they understood each other’s problems better than their families and friends and doctors did. This mutual understanding gave them the strength each desperately needed to pass up the first drink that had always paved the way to disaster.

Very gradually, their new strength restored their hope for life and a future. They survived to share their experience with other so-called hopeless alcoholics.

Today, Alcoholics Anonymous is made up of an estimated 2,000,000 men and women who once felt just as hopeless. We still meet regularly to share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. Our everyday lives are a lot better now than they used to be. And each of us once had to ask ourselves that question: “Where do I go from here?”

We live and meet everywhere now and at many different hours of the day. And we hope you’ll want to talk to one of us when you get out. We’ll be waiting, because somebody waited for each of us. And that made all the difference.

This is A.A. General Service Conference-approved literature. Look for “A.A.” or “Alcoholics Anonymous” as listed in the local telephone directory. If you cannot reach A.A. in your community, just write to A.A. General Service Office Box 459, Grand Central Station New York, NY 10163 www.aa.org

From BS to IS by Lisa O.

I  like  to  divide  my  life  into  two  periods, before  sobriety  which  I  term  “BS”  and  in  sobriety, for  which  I  use  “IS.”  While  I  was  living  in  my  BS, I  would  read  metaphysical  books  and  study philosophy,  religion  and  esoteric  subjects  like biofeedback  and  how  to  make  wine.  I  considered myself  an  expert  in  all  these  areas,  and  would  sit at  the  bar  pontificating  with  my  vast  amount  of intelligent  knowledge.  In  my  BS  period,  I  would take  hostages,  many  of  whom  were  willing  to  lend me  their  ears  for  the  price  of  another  round.  We would  talk  and  dream  and  make  plans  to  visit  the bastions  of  mankind’s  spiritual  and  philosophical centers:    climb  the  holy  Mt.  Kailas  in  Tibet,  see  an ashram  and  bathe  in  the  Ganges  in  India,  stop  by the  Vatican  in  Rome  to  hear  what  the  Pope  had  to say  and  check  out  the  Shinto  shrines  in  Japan.  I thought  if  I  immersed  myself  in  geographically spiritual  locations,  I  would  gain  guru  status  just by  osmosis.

But  for  all  my  studies,  my  dreams  and  my plans,  I  never  ventured  too  far  from  that  bar  stool. (Bar  Stool=BS)  Well,  actually,  I  did  end  up  away from  it,  in  a  dark  room,  curled  up  with  my  bottle, angry  and  disillusioned  with  my  entire  existence.

The  way  I  describe  it  IS  that  God  reached into  my  life  and  propelled  me  into  Alcoholics Anonymous.  Early  on  I  had  a  period  of  trial  and error–of  learning  that  I  could  no  longer  imbibe spirits  in  my  quest  for  spirituality.  I  read  in  the Big  Book  that  to  continue  in  my  BS  was  to  shut myself  off  from  the  sunlight  of  the  spirit.

Through  practicing  AA’s  12  steps,  I  have had  a  spiritual  awakening.  And  I  didn’t  have  to  go to  India  or  Japan.  Just  what  IS  a  spiritual awakening?  My  spirit,  which  was  dulled  in  my  BS days,  IS  alive  now.  I  have  awareness  that  there  IS a  Higher  Power  that  cares  about  me  and  you  too. There  IS  another  spiritual  book  that  lists  gifts  of the  spirit:    love,  joy,  peace,  forbearance,  kindness, goodness,  faithfulness,  gentleness  and  self-control. These  characteristics  came  to  replace  the shortcomings  and  defects  of  character  I  asked God  to  remove  in  steps  6  and  7.  In  AA  we  have  the promises,  spiritual  gifts  like  intuition  and  no  more regret,  a  new  attitude  and  outlook  on  life  and awareness  that  God  does  for  us  what  we  could  not do  for  ourselves.

Another  aspect  of  spirituality  is  the understanding  that  I  am  perfectly  okay  just  as  I am  and  just  as  I  am  not.  I  can  give  up  every struggle  that  I  engage  in,  because  when  I surrender,  and  accept  what  IS,  I  gain  serenity. Somehow  the  idea  that  I  am  a  small  part  in  a much  bigger  picture  brings  comfort  to  me.

I’ve  heard  in  meetings,  and  I’ve  come  to believe,  that  I  am  a  spiritual  being  having  a human  experience.  If  this  IS  true,  that  I’m  a spiritual  being  who  manifested  as  the  person  I  am, then  I  came  here  for  the  contrast.  I  showed  up here  on  Earth  not  just  to  experience  love  and  joy, but  also  for  the  sorrow  and  sadness,  anger  and grief  and  pain  and  the  rest  of  the  gamut  of emotions  that  make  up  the  human  experience. During  my  BS  days,  I  did  whatever  I  could  so  I didn’t  have  to  go  through  what  I  thought  were “negative  emotions.”  Today  I  realize  that  each emotion  I  get  to  feel  IS  a  gift.  When  I  feel  sad,  it generally  doesn’t  last,  but  I  tell  myself,  “Oh,  this IS  sadness.

Why  did  I  run  from  this?” At  my  morning  meeting  today,  a  man  who shared  was  animated  as  he  spoke:  “I  see  God everywhere,  in  people,  places  and  things…and  I also  see  where  He  is  not:  in  people,  places  and things.”    That’s  real  spiritual  awareness.  I  wonder if  he’s  been  to  Tibet?

How many of you have seen the picture titled: “The Man on the Bed”?

I hope you have, we own it.  It is an illustration that was done by a Grapevine volunteer illustrator and presented to Bill W. in 1955.  It is a depiction of that first visit to St. Thomas hospital in Akron, where Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob talked to Bill D. – AA #3. When Bill W. received this picture, he said this illustration CAPTURED THE ESSENCE OF AA.  I believe this picture also captures the ESSENCE of BRIDGING THE GAP.

Bill W. and Dr. Bob instinctively knew that in order to stay sober, they must immediately begin work with other alcoholics, alcoholics of our type.  In 1935, there existed many places where alcoholics are temporarily stored on their journey through hell.  Before AA, that was all they could do for them.

Prior to Bill and Bob making that fateful connection, alcoholics of our type faced incarceration, asylum or insignificant oblivion.  Dr. Bob’s access to a hospital fighting, and losing, the hopeless battle against alcoholism was pure serendipity.

Look back to the Man on the Bed, we see three people in this illustration. Two men are wearing suits and looking intently, but kindly, at the third man.  The third man is the ‘man on the bed’, Bill Dotson.

Are you anywhere in this illustration?  I am.

I have been the man on the bed.  I have been delivered from a ‘seemingly hopeless state of mind and body’ that is alcoholism. I know Bill D. like a brother.  We have shared the same unkind womb. I embrace those memories today – more than 17 years later, knowing that without those experiences I would not be the miracle I am today.

The miracle today is that I am able to be the ‘suits’ in this illustration – carrying the message back to those who need it.  I get to be a part of their miracle as it unfolds before my eyes.

AA members are a part of this picture in every way imaginable, even if you are not aware that you are. We are the ‘suits’ that carry the message into the myriad of alcoholic storage facilities, now called Treatment Facilities or some other term.  We are the first face at a meeting, extending our hand and leading the way to the coffee pot. We are the contributors placing the ‘buck in the basket’ that provides OUR literature to uncertain prospects.

One key thing this picture does not show is what happened AFTER Bill D. was released from the hospital – they met up with him and continued to show him this ‘new way of living’.

Bill and Bob didn’t just abandon their newfound friend.  They didn’t hand them a meeting list or tell him to go to their web page or text me, of course, or even say ‘Call Me’.  Nope.  They incorporated him and his family into their world, into their sober life. Reaching out to the shaky newcomer.

However shaky it is, it is likely more than what the newcomer has ever known. The thoughts of spending a day or even a portion of a day – sober – with others who are sober is more than the newcomer ever dares to dream of having.  It makes the difference.

Everyone can be a part of this.  If you can’t be the ‘suits’ going in to a place, you can be the ‘greeter’ that takes the time to meet up with them and light the path into their new life.  You can make a difference.

When a candle shares its flame to light another candle, it is not diminished.  You simply have more light.

-Peter G.

GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEBSITES; Facebook  and  other  social  networking  websites  are  public  in  nature. Though  users  create  accounts  and  utilize  usernames  and  passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where A.A.  members and non A.A.s mingle. As long  as  individuals do  not  identify  themselves  as  A.A. members,  there is no conflict of interest.  However, someone using their full name and/ or  a  likeness,  such  as  a  full-face  photograph,  would  be  contrary  to  the spirit  of  the  Eleventh  Tradition,  which  states  in  the Long  Form  that,  “… our [last] names and pictures as A.A.  members  ought not  be  broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.” Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh  Tradition not to disclose A.A. membership on social networking sites as well as on any other website, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely  of  A.A.  members  and not password protected, or is  accessible  to the public. Websites social networking offer individuals the chance to post a great deal  of personal  information  about  themselves  (and  others).  Our  experience suggests that some A.A.  members do not post anything that is “A.A.  jargon”  on their personal profiles and in  “status updates,”  while others feel it is alright to do so as long as A.A.  or Alcoholics Anonymous specifically  is not mentioned. These  websites often allow  users to create  social networking  “groups” and the ability to invite others to  “events”  for like-minded individuals. Some A.A.s have chosen to create A.A.-related groups.  Since this is a relatively new medium, A.A.  members are frequently  “learning as they go,”  and technology and applications change practically on a daily basis.

Our experience has shown that the evolving nature of social networking platforms makes it difficult to provide specific guidelines for using such resources for A.A.  purposes.   Any A.A.  group or member that is thinking about entering this public arena should closely consider the privacy policies of such sites, in light of A.A.’s tradition of anonymity.   For example, social networking sites often provide full  names and pictures of group  members,  contrary  to  A.A.’s  practice  of  avoiding  such  disclosures in public media.   Even  “closed”  or  “private”  groups might still reveal an individual’s  identity.    Being  well-informed  prior  to  joining  or  starting  such a group is the key to protecting your own anonymity, and that of others. G.S.O.  has received numerous complaints from concerned A.A.  members  regarding  anonymity  breaks  online,  inappropriate  use  of  the  A.A. name, and copyrighted materials and protected trademarks being improperly used on Facebook and other social networking websites.  No local online A.A.  or non-A.A.  entity should purport itself to be a spokesperson for A.A.  or act as if they represent the General Service Office, A.A.W.S.,  or  the  General  Service  Board.  Each  A.A.  entity  is  autonomous and encouraged to make decisions by informed group conscience decision in light of the guidance provided in our  Twelve  Traditions. A.A.  members sometimes contact G.S.O.  for suggestions on how to remain within the  Traditions on Facebook and other social networking websites.  Keep in mind that G.S.O.  staff members are not  “special workers”  of the  “technological wizards”  variety, but they can act as a resource regarding  A.A.’s  Twelve  Traditions  and  the  shared  experience  of  the Fellowship in the U.S.  and Canada.  How A.A.’s spiritual principles play out in new technologies needs to be carefully discussed by each A.A. individual or entity creating an online presence.

So You Think You’re Different by John T.

I’m an alcoholic! I was working for a large beer distributor and I was very successful in sales. What a great job, everyone drank. At least that’s how I saw it! That’s why when people would say to me; do you think you might have a problem with alcohol; I couldn’t understand; I’m no different from the other people working here. I’m just doing my job like everyone else.

It was suggested that I should maybe contact a clinic to ask them if they thought I might have a problem with alcohol. Well I could, and would never respect their opinion because I had a job and insurance so I just knew their opinion would be bias. They would just want my money and insurance to pay them so that was out of the question.

I continued on with my normal drinking as I understood it to be. As things got worse my world start to come apart rapidly. Problems at home; family, kids and a third car accident that landed me in the hospital for three months stay with extended rehab was still not enough to stop my pattern but it did get my attention. So, I remembered my long time friend Larry D that I did a lot of my drinking and partying with. Larry had lost his job because of the things we used to do. I remember seeing Larry and something was different about him; I knew he was in some program that was helping him get his life back together.

I contacted Larry and asked if he could meet me for lunch and he agreed. I knew nothing about AA but I could see his life was turning around and getting better. So at lunch, I asked him if he could me into this AA. I asked him the next time you go to one of those meetings, let me know. His response was, “John, I go every night” “I said, okay, next time. Larry said “Okay, how about Thursday night?” Thursday night came and I didn’t show up. A few days later, Larry called and I told him I was sorry and would be there next Thursday night.

The AA meeting was called Grass Roots and it met in a large church. When I walked into that meeting I don’t know what I expected but I knew I WAS DIFFERENT! I looked around and my thoughts were I don’t know what Larry’s been doing with his life but this is not for me. Some of these people were motorcycle guys, some looked like they didn’t have jobs, some older people, some young kids, white, DIFFERENT FROM ME.

I was ready to bail but I stayed for the meeting just to be polite, but couldn’t wait for it to end and that was going to be the last time I would see Larry D. Before I could escape Larry D. and another man asked me to have coffee with them. I agreed. During our conversation they told me about 90 meetings in 90 days and if at then end of that time if it seemed like it was something that would not work for me, I could go on with my life. Well, that appealed to me because I knew I could do the 90 days; then if anyone asked I could respond that I did 90 in 90 and there was no problem here.

Larry took out a meeting schedule and marked a meeting for every day for me to attend and he showed up to the meetings too. When I started going I was full of fear because I WAS DIFFERENT! After every meeting we would go have coffee and talk. About the third time while having coffee, Larry said, “John, the next time you’re in a meeting of AA I want you to listen for all of the things you did do instead of all the things you didn’t.” Well, they say this program of AA is a GIFT. “Some people get it, some people don’t.” I can honestly say that allowed me to get the gift of sobriety when I started looking at the similarities not the differences.