I’m 5 months into a ten month sentence at the Utah State Prison. This is my 4th time back in since I first came here back in July of 2017. Before that I had only done county time. The truth is drugs and alcohol have been the driving source in my life for many years. I’m not gonna say that I didn’t have any fun, cause that would be a lie. I had a lot of fun for a few years, and had a lot of really cool experiences and met some of the most amazing people! But I’m tired of letting everyone down including myself. The depths of depravity that I have allowed to be my life, are a constant reminder of why I don’t ever wanna return to drugs and alcohol.
Every time I return to active addiction I reach a whole new bottom, a low I never thought possible. After everything I’ve been through, I’m lucky to be alive. Back in 2014 I was sprayed with acostic lye, and it destroyed the surface of my left eye. For the past five years I have fought to try and restore my vision, only to be told recently that they can’t help me.
Everything bad that has happened to me correlates with using drugs and alcohol. After I was sprayed with acid, my addiction was my means of escape. I didn’t know how to live life anymore. It was a dark time. In 2015 I decided to go to detox for probably the 4th or 5th time after being stabbed four times at a trap house. I was sick of living a life full of misery and despair. And the fact that I wasn’t a part of my son’s life was destroying me inside.
At the hospital after going through the intake process, they told me that I most likely have hep-c, and my liver was distended and swollen. Instead of putting me in the detox part, they kept me in the emergency unit for three weeks. After I was released, I knew I needed treatment, or I would return to drugs, so I went to a dual diagnosis treatment center in Ontario, CA. Thus I started on my long road to recovery.
I was introduced to the rooms of AA in treatment. Ever since then I’ve been in and out of the rooms, with little bouts of sobriety. And just like it says in the Big Book, always followed by a worse relapse. My whole adult life I’ve found some success, then I relapse, go to jail, and now prison. I got it into my head that I could just use once, and before you know it, I lost my job, I was shooting meth and heroine. I resorted back to selling drugs, and I’m on the run, with three new felonies.
I never really put a lot of effort into working a program of recovery until just recently. I started working the twelve steps, got a sponsor, and I started building a solid foundation. I’m truly blessed to be where I am. My higher power has placed me in a place where I can transform my life. My relationship with my higher power has never been better, and I’m no longer afraid of tomorrow. I have confidence and love for myself, and others. Today I work a program of recovery daily, I attend meetings daily, and work the twelve steps with a sponsor.