Hazmat – Sade Louise Killpack_Apr 2019


I am a hazmat, a has-been who is half-assed.
I’ve grasped that, and I get it.
Try to live a life of acceptance.
To move passed that; I’m glad that,
I’m here and where I’m at yeah.
Wouldn’t take anything back yeah, that’s a fact, and-
As I’ve come to understand,
all I can do is all I can.
And this moment is all I have.
To be my best, a better man.
And dive face first in foreign lands.
With blistered feet and bloody hands.
Beat down bones and broken back.
Bludgeoned brutal butcher slab,
of meat grinder panic attacks.
My mind collapses, synapses crash and-
Snap back to basic primal act.
To fight the world or get out fast.
And freeze if neither paves a path.
‘Til all that’s left is smoldering ash,
That fits a puzzle of my past.
And leaves my soul alone, at last.

To drink my weakness from a glass.
And marvel at the life I lack.
How could I keep it all intact?

When actually I should be doing the math.
But nothing makes sense, and it all hurts so bad.
Or is this some secret gift
I should grab while it lasts?

These are all questions I’ve asked.
These are hard times overlapped.
Overwhelmed and under-planned.

Why is this the way I am?
When do I get my great big chance?
Sealed deal settled in a single glance.
‘Lest my beating heart be stabbed,
and sabotaged by dreams I had.
Still not quite sure where I stand.
Slipping through the cracks like sand.
Tumbling through the abstract-
An avalanche of catastrophe…
Nuclear blast of reality, then flash back.
Round and round on the track.
Round and round on the track.
I tsunami, then collapse.
Wrecking all within my path.
Gravity suspends and laughs-
Everything I hold onto
just slips right through my grasp.
All I’ve ever had, and all I’ll never have…

Dancing around in my head
Until I’m dead.

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