A Unique Creature of Nature – R._Sept 2019

I was released from Federal Prison in August of 2013 and shortly after met the love of my life. It didn’t take long before I was using again and soon discovered that my job was getting in the way of my drug use and had to go. Me being self-supporting, or the sole supporter in our relationship I did whatever I could to make money for rent, food, but most importantly for drugs, mainly heroin. Low and behold our whole world started to crumble around us. We first lost the apartment, and therefore became a burden on our friends staying at their houses or needing to shower there when we just lived in our jeep. Things kept spiraling out of control until finally we had reached rock bottom, we had lost everything we had, and were living on the street. I had no self-worth and no self-esteem. I was allowing the woman I loved to risk her freedom by shop lifting for food and for merchandise to trade for our out of control heroin habit. We continued this way for quite some time with me committing crimes like forgery and dealing drugs to make sure we had our fix everyday so we didn’t get sick. We both caught numerous charges and were racking up more and more, in and out of jail constantly, but since our charges were just petty things, we were never locked up for more than just a few days. We were now both on the run and looking at some time when we got caught. We had exhausted all of our resources, we had no where left to go, we were hungry, on the street and had spent the only money from a lick I had pulled earlier on some heroin to keep us going. We had finally hit the end of the road. I can’t remember if it was her or I that made the suggestion that we end our lives together by doing, by that I mean injecting a large quantity of heroin, enough to overdose on. We both injected the drug holding on to each other and saying goodbye as we both faded into the deep, dark, oblivion. When I next opened my eyes, I was in the hospital. I was informed that a good samaritan had witnessed what we had done and called the paramedics. I immediately asked about my girl and nobody would give me any information at all. So, as I lay there in total anguish, hating myself, hating my life, hating the person that couldn’t mind their own business, I wondered if she was alive. What if she was dead, I wasn’t, how would she feel if I died and she didn’t, all of this raced through my mind over and over. As it turned out, we both survived, however shortly after we were both arrested and had to face the numerous charges that we had accumulated. She was sentenced to drug court where she is clean and safer today and set to graduate in a few months. Myself, I was sentenced to the Utah State Prison on numerous charges where I am today. I am in the Con-Quest program, thankful that I am alive. I have been working on my self-esteem and my self-worth, and have discovered that I am a unique creature of nature. Nobody that ever came before or that will ever come after will have my hair, my eyes, my nose, my ears, my hands or my feet. Nobody will ever walk like me, talk like me, or feel the way and things that I feel. I am a rarity and there is always value in anything that is rare. Therefore, I am valuable. I wasn’t put on this earth to shrivel into a grain of sand, rather to become a mountain. I was given a second chance for reasons I don’t understand. I can’t predict the future, I can only learn from my past, and my past has shown me that I can not ever allow myself to use again. To do so would be to disrespect the woman I love, my higher power, and most importantly myself, because with me one time is two many and a thousand times is not enough. – R

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